I was a good kid growing up.

I did what my parents said, followed their rules, ate what they put on my plate,

Maybe a bit too well, flashback to the green bean incident (0.0)

My mom told me that when I was a small toddler, sometimes I'd have horrible tantrums

and rip all the sheets off my bed and sweep everything on my shelves onto the floor in an emotional outrage.

She'd have to crack my door open afterwards and say "are you done?" so she could help me put everything back

If I wasn't she'd lock me in my room for a bit longer as I continued being

an indignant little tornado and try again in ten minutes.

I've grown out of that phase, luckily.

I'm so conditioned to want to follow the rules and not do anything bad that people on multiple occasions have told me,

Jaiden, you're so good all the time. You've got to be rebellious every once in a while. And I say,

No... is that a start?

I was such an obedient kid. I've only been grounded once in my entire life, and that story is...pretty pathetic.

I was maybe six at the time and my parents were going out for a date night or whatever to get out of the house.

Understandable. Jaxon was a pretty exhausting kid to deal with.

So they left us with a babysitter.

Now as a kid, having a babysitter is emotionally conflicting.

On one hand, you don't want this Rando middle school kid to be telling you what to do

Go to bed, you're not my mom. You're not even old enough to go to the bathroom at school without asking for permission.

Don't tell me what to do. But on the other hand,

Babysitters let you get away with way more than your parents.

Oh, yeah, Mom always lets us have three Oreos. It's okay, it's fine. Don't worry...

Normally, we only get two Oreos. (Me: Wouldn't Jaxon know that?) Hehe, we're so sneaky.

It was getting late that night and before it was my bedtime,

I wanted to play outside on our rickety little playset.

Now I'd already gotten ready for bed.

I was in my pajamas and brushed my teeth, but I figured it's not past my bedtime yet, so everything's fair game.

So the babysitter watched me swing on the swings for like five minutes and then go down the slide one time.

In the morning when my parents were back, I woke up and they were like, "You're in trouble".

Did I do something?

What do you think you did? >:C

I don't know. D:

Why do adults say that to children by the way?

What do you think you did?

I don't know, seems like you don't even know what I did and they're trying to get me to rat myself out.

The babysitter told us,

that last night,

you played in the backyard in your pajamas.

Wat..?

We don't want you playing outside in your pajamas.

You're grounded tomorrow.

What the fu---

So I was grounded for a day because I played outside in my pajamas...

But I cheated like five minutes of TV by sneak watching from around the corner, so who's the rebellious one now?

There's this golf course a block or two down from my house that had a little lake,

and my dad and I would ride our bikes to it every once in a while to feed the ducks.

Also yes, I know ducks shouldn't eat bread. If you didn't know that, don't feed wild ducks bread.

Give him candy bars.

We were feeding the ducks, minding our own business, when all of a sudden we hear from across the lake:

Mable!

Mable!

There's a neighborhood of houses next to the golf course so people could look out and see the golfers.

And in the distance across the lake some lady was yelling, Mable! Mable!

Huh, wonder where Mable is.

Mable, get over here! What are you doing?

Sh...she---Oh!

She's talking to me!

MABLE, YOU'RE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE!!

My dad and I didn't know what to do.

This lady in the distance thought I was Mable, when...I was not Mable.

I am Jaiden, but she didn't know that.

MABLE, what are you doing?! Get back here---

We pedaled away.

Now, let's put ourselves in the point of view of this lady across the lake.

She walks out into her backyard...

Huh, what a wonderful evening?

I think I'm gonna treat myself to some relaxation time out in my backyard.

Working my nine-to-five job and managing three children as a single mom sure is hard work,

Especially since my doctor says I need to lower my stress because it's starting to take a toll on my depression... (Me: jaiden something wrong?)

Okay, maybe a bit too much creative interpretation.

She's in the backyard, she looks out across the lake, and what?

Who's that? Is that is that little old Mable across the lake? How'd she get there?

And, wait, is that a strange man with her?

What the---Mable! What are you doing? Get over here!

That girl is in so much trouble when she gets back home...

I've told her so many times about the dangers of---is she pedaling away with him?!

I hope Mable wasn't in too much trouble when she got back home.

Uh...Sorry Mable. (Me: that's a parenting method...)

This story didn't happen necessarily during my childhood,

More teenagehood...but I think it's kind of funny, so I'm telling it.

I went ice skating with a couple of friends one winter maybe, when I was fifteen, sixteen.

It was busy, but not too busy.

Sidenote: One time my friend invited me to go ice skating and we were the only two there.

It was dope, but also felt like a weird ice rink Twilight Zone...

Anyway, so we were skating around. You know...like what we went there to do.

I'm not anywhere near close to a good ice skater,

but I hadn't fallen on my butt or head so I considered it a successful day.

After a while we decided to do one more loop around the rink, and right before we were done,

this little boy skates up to me.

I wasn't very old at the time, but he was definitely younger than me, maybe 13 or something, I don't know.

I looked down at him confused, and he goes,

I like your hat.

Oh, by the way, I was wearing a knitted hat that looked like a raccoon,

So, hehe, it was a good hat.

"Will you hold something for me?

Uh, oh, okay.

And I'll never forget what he says.

This is possibly one of the smoothest things I've ever heard from a little thirteen-year-old boy.

So he goes, "Can you hold something for me?", and I go like, Okay? What is it? And he goes...

My hand.

(Jazz music)

I had no expectations on what he was gonna say, but that one definitely caught me off guard. I was so startled by his...

What would you even call that? Pick-up line? Request?

that I stumbled back, forgetting I was on ice skates...

I didn't fall,

But I definitely did one of those weird

twisty maneuvers that your body pulls when it's off balance and trying not to fall down.

The boy skated off because I think he wasn't expecting to actually, physically, startle me.

Thinking about it, if you were to try and use a pick-up line on someone, and their immediate response is to be

so surprised they almost fall backwards...that...

I don't know how to interpret that.

Obviously it's not what you want, but I mean...that's gotta be some sort of achievement.

I wonder what would have happened if I decided to say yes to that kid, instead of... being a freaked out spaz.

Maybe there was something there, and we could have had a whole future with each other and had great times together,

and I'll never know. (laughs) (Me: I can just hear the longing...)

He's out there in the world right now, and I'm talking about him, and he probably doesn't even know it.

Do you like to make up fake life scenarios for other people?

I'm gonna pretend he's going to university to be an orthopedic surgeon. Look it up.

Okay, I'll just tell you.

It's a doctor who specializes in hands. See where I'm...yeah.

What if he tells his story every once in a while to his friends

Dude no, like, this one time when I was like, 13

I ice skated up to this random girl in an ice rink and asked her to hold my hand, even though I didn't know her.

Lol, random. She slipped on the ice though, and it was weird. I just skated away.

Meh. Yeah, nah, I..I actually don't really care, my life is pretty fine without him.

Have fun with your hand surgeries my dude.

Bye. :3