was when he walked out the front door

是他走出大門

on his way to school.

準備去學校的時候。

He called out one word in the darkness:

他在黑暗中大喊了一個字：

"Bye."

「掰！」

It was April 20, 1999.

那天是 1999 年四月二十日。

Later that morning, at Columbine High School,

後來那天早上在科倫拜高中，

my son Dylan and his friend Eric

我的兒子迪倫和他的朋友 艾瑞克在自殺之前，

killed 12 students and a teacher

殺害了十二名學生及一名老師

and wounded more than 20 others before taking their own lives.

並傷了超過二十個人。

Thirteen innocent people were killed,

十三位無辜的人被殺，

leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma.

留給他們摯愛的人悲慟與創傷。

Others sustained injuries,

其他受傷的人，

some resulting in disfigurement and permanent disability.

有的毀容或終身殘疾。

But the enormity of the tragedy

但這滔天巨難，

can't be measured only by the number of deaths and injuries that took place.

無法僅用傷亡的數字來衡量。

There's no way to quantify the psychological damage

我們無法量化

of those who were in the school,

當時在校的人，

or who took part in rescue or cleanup efforts.

或參與搶救及善後的人 所受到的心理傷害。

There's no way to assess the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine,

我們無法評估像科倫拜 這種慘劇的嚴重性，

especially when it can be a blueprint

特別是它之後成為

for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their own.

其他槍手起而效尤的藍圖。

Columbine was a tidal wave,

科倫拜的事件就像一股浪潮，

and when the crash ended,

在巨大的衝擊過後，

it would take years for the community and for society

被影響的社區及社會要花好多年

to comprehend its impact.

才能理解這波衝擊的影響。

It has taken me years to try to accept my son's legacy.

我花了好多年去試著 接受兒子遺留下來的慘劇。

The cruel behavior that defined the end of his life

他在結束生命前所做的殘酷行為，

showed me that he was a completely different person from the one I knew.

讓我了解這不是我所認識的他。

Afterwards people asked,

在那之後有人問：

"How could you not know?

「你怎麼可能不知道？

What kind of a mother were you?"

你是什麼樣的母親？」

I still ask myself those same questions.

我至今仍問自己同樣的問題。

Before the shootings, I thought of myself as a good mom.

在槍擊案之前， 我以為自己是好媽媽。

Helping my children become caring,

協助我的孩子成為有愛心、

healthy, responsible adults

健康、負責任的大人，

was the most important role of my life.

是我生命中最重要的角色。

But the tragedy convinced me that I failed as a parent,

但是這場悲劇讓我認為 自己是一位失敗的母親，

and it's partially this sense of failure that brings me here today.

而這種失敗的感覺也是 我今天站在這裡的部分原因。

Aside from his father,

除了他父親之外，

I was the one person who knew and loved Dylan the most.

我是最瞭解最愛迪倫的人。

If anyone could have known what was happening,

如果有人能事先知道會發生什麼，

it should have been me, right?

那個人應該是我，對吧？

But I didn't know.

但是我不知道。

Today, I'm here to share the experience

今天，我在這裡分享

of what it's like to be the mother of someone who kills and hurts.

身為兇手的母親是什麼樣的感覺。

For years after the tragedy, I combed through memories,

慘案過後的這些年， 我細細整理記憶，

trying to figure out exactly where I failed as a parent.

試著搞清楚我哪裡做錯了， 導致我成為失敗的母親。

But there are no simple answers.

但是這個問題 卻沒有一個簡單的答案。

I can't give you any solutions.

我不能給你任何解答。

All I can do

我能做的

is share what I have learned.

就是分享我所學到的事情。

When I talk to people who didn't know me before the shootings,

當我對槍案發生前 不認識我的人演講時，

I have three challenges to meet.

我面對三個挑戰。

First, when I walk into a room like this,

第一，當我走進像這樣的演講廳，

I never know if someone there has experienced loss

我不知道在座是否有人 因為我兒的所作所為，

because of what my son did.

而經歷喪親之痛。

I feel a need to acknowledge the suffering caused by a member of my family

我覺得我有必要接受這種 因為我的家人而造成的痛苦，

who isn't here to do it for himself.

即使他現在不能親自做這件事。

So first, with all of my heart,

所以首先，若是我的兒子 造成你的痛苦，

I'm sorry if my son has caused you pain.

我全心全意的在此致歉。

The second challenge I have

我的第二項挑戰，

is that I must ask for understanding and even compassion

是當我要說我兒子是自殺死的，

when I talk about my son's death as a suicide.

我必須請求大家的諒解甚至同情。

Two years before he died,

他過世前兩年，

he wrote on a piece of paper in a notebook

他在筆記本的紙上寫著

that he was cutting himself.

他在割自己。

He said that he was in agony

他說他很苦惱

and wanted to get a gun so he could end his life.

而且想要找把槍了結自己。

I didn't know about any of this until months after his death.

我一直到他死後幾個月 才知道這件事情。

When I talk about his death as a suicide,

當我說他的死因是自殺時，

I'm not trying to downplay the viciousness he showed at the end of his life.

我不是在試著淡化 他在自我了結時顯示的殘酷。

I'm trying to understand

我是在嘗試瞭解

how his suicidal thinking

他的自殺念頭

led to murder.

怎麼變成謀殺。

After a lot of reading and talking with experts,

在讀了很多文章並跟專家交談後，

I have come to believe

我開始相信

that his involvement in the shootings was rooted not in his desire to kill

他參與這場槍擊案的原因 不是因為他想殺人，

but in his desire to die.

而是他渴望著死去。

The third challenge I have when I talk about my son's murder-suicide

我談到兒子的「殺人後自盡」 所面臨的第三個挑戰，

is that I'm talking about mental health --

是我在談心理健康──

excuse me --

抱歉──

is that I'm talking about mental health,

是我在談心理健康，

or brain health, as I prefer to call it, because it's more concrete.

我比較喜歡稱它為腦部健康， 因為這樣說起來更具體。

And in the same breath, I'm talking about violence.

然而緊接著，我又在談暴力。

The last thing I want to do is to contribute to the misunderstanding

我最不想做的， 就是對精神疾病已有的成見

that already exists around mental illness.

再添上一筆成見。

Only a very small percent of those who have a mental illness

只有極少比例的精神疾病患者

are violent toward other people,

對別人有暴力傾向，

but of those who die by suicide,

但是那些自殺的人，

it's estimated that about 75 to maybe more than 90 percent

估計有 75%，甚至超過 90%

have a diagnosable mental health condition of some kind.

患有可被診斷出的精神問題。

As you all know very well,

你們都很清楚，

our mental health care system is not equipped to help everyone,

我們的精神健康照護系統 無法幫助每一個人，

and not everyone with destructive thoughts

而且不是每一個具破壞性思想的人

fits the criteria

都符合

for a specific diagnosis.

特定診療標準。

Many who have ongoing feelings

很多持續感覺

of fear or anger or hopelessness

恐懼或生氣或無望的人，

are never assessed or treated.

從未經歷評估或治療。

Too often, they get our attention only if they reach a behavioral crisis.

常見的狀況是，我們在他們 出現行為危機時才會注意到他們。

If estimates are correct

如果估計是正確的，

that about one to two percent of all suicides

約有百分之一或二的自殺事件中

involves the murder of another person,

會涉及謀殺另外一個人。

when suicide rates rise, as they are rising for some populations,

現在某些族群中，當自殺率升高時，

the murder-suicide rates will rise as well.

殺人後自盡的比率也跟著升高。

I wanted to understand what was going on in Dylan's mind prior to his death,

我想了解迪倫 死前腦中到底在想什麼，

so I looked for answers from other survivors of suicide loss.

所以我從自殺倖存者中尋找答案。

I did research and volunteered to help with fund-raising events,

我做研究，也去當募款活動志工，

and whenever I could,

我一有機會，

I talked with those who had survived their own suicidal crisis

就會跟自殺未遂的人交談。

or attempt.

其中一場極有幫助的交談，

One of the most helpful conversations I had

是我的一位同事

was with a coworker

在我的辦公室隔間

who overheard me talking to someone else

無意中聽見我跟別人的談話。

in my office cubicle.

她聽到我說迪倫並不愛我，

She heard me say that Dylan could not have loved me

因為他做了這麼可怕的事。

if he could do something as horrible as he did.

之後，當她發現沒人在我旁邊時，

Later, when she found me alone,

她跟我道歉說她偷聽到那場對話，

she apologized for overhearing that conversation,

然後跟我說我錯了。

but told me that I was wrong.

她說她以前曾是年輕的單親媽媽，

She said that when she was a young, single mother

並且有三個小孩，

with three small children,

她變得嚴重抑鬱， 且為了生命安全而住院。

she became severely depressed and was hospitalized to keep her safe.

那個時候，她很確信

At the time, she was certain

如果她死了，她的小孩會過得更好，

that her children would be better off if she died,

所以她計畫要了結生命。

so she had made a plan to end her life.

她跟我保證母愛是世上最強的聯繫，

She assured me that a mother's love was the strongest bond on Earth,

她愛她的孩子超過世上任何東西，

and that she loved her children more than anything in the world,

但是因為她的病，

but because of her illness,

她確信沒有她他們會過得更好。

she was sure that they would be better off without her.

從她所說及我從其他人身上學到的，

What she said and what I've learned from others

是我們對所謂

is that we do not make the so-called decision or choice

自殺的決定或選擇，

to die by suicide

跟我們選擇要開什麼車

in the same way that we choose what car to drive

或星期六晚上要去哪裡玩不一樣。

or where to go on a Saturday night.

當某人處在極度想自殺的狀態，

When someone is in an extremely suicidal state,

他們就屬於美國 檢傷分類的「緊急」情況。

they are in a stage four medical health emergency.

他們的思考受損， 並失去自我管理能力。

Their thinking is impaired and they've lost access to tools of self-governance.

就算他們能制定計畫 並且依照邏輯行動，

Even though they can make a plan and act with logic,

他們對真相的感受會被痛苦扭曲，

their sense of truth is distorted by a filter of pain

並用痛苦的眼光看待現實。

through which they interpret their reality.

有些人很會隱藏這種狀態，

Some people can be very good at hiding this state,

而且他們通常 都有很好的理由這麼做。

and they often have good reasons for doing that.

很多人都曾經有過自殺的念頭，

Many of us have suicidal thoughts at some point,

但是持續不斷的自殺念頭，

but persistent, ongoing thoughts of suicide

並且策劃死亡方法

and devising a means to die

是一種病徵。

are symptoms of pathology,

這就像許多疾病一樣，

and like many illnesses,

我們必須在失去另一條生命前，

the condition has to be recognized and treated

認出並治療這種狀況。

before a life is lost.

但是我兒子的死並非單純的自殺。

But my son's death was not purely a suicide.

它還牽涉了屠殺。

It involved mass murder.

我想知道他的自殺念頭 怎麼變成濫殺的念頭。

I wanted to know how his suicidal thinking became homicidal.

但是這方面的研究很少， 也沒有簡單的答案。

But research is sparse and there are no simple answers.

是的，他大概有持續性的憂鬱症。

Yes, he probably had ongoing depression.

他有完美主義及獨立自主的個性，

He had a personality that was perfectionistic and self-reliant,

而這些使他不太可能 尋求別人的幫助。

and that made him less likely to seek help from others.

他在學校經歷數個導火線事件，

He had experienced triggering events at the school

讓他感到被貶低、受辱及憤怒。

that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad.

而且他和另一個男生 有複雜的友誼關係，

And he had a complicated friendship

這個同學會和他訴說 他感受到的憤怒及疏離感，

with a boy who shared his feelings of rage and alienation,

且這個同學受人厭

and who was seriously disturbed,

有控制慾並有殺人的傾向。

controlling and homicidal.

在這段他處於

And on top of this period in his life

極度脆弱狀態的期間，

of extreme vulnerability and fragility,

迪倫有機會取得槍枝，

Dylan found access to guns

即使我們家從來沒有這種東西。

even though we'd never owned any in our home.

很顯然的，一位 17 歲男孩 非常容易購買槍枝，

It was appallingly easy for a 17-year-old boy to buy guns,

無論合法或不合法， 都不需要我的同意或確認。

both legally and illegally, without my permission or knowledge.

17 年過去了，這期間 又發生過許多起校園槍擊案，

And somehow, 17 years and many school shootings later,

購買槍枝仍然是件容易的事。

it's still appallingly easy.

迪倫那天所做的事讓我心碎，

What Dylan did that day broke my heart,

就像經歷創傷常常有的後果，

and as trauma so often does,

它使我身心俱疲。

it took a toll on my body and on my mind.

槍案二年後，我得了乳癌，

Two years after the shootings, I got breast cancer,

再兩年之後，我開始出現精神問題。

and two years after that, I began to have mental health problems.

除了源源不絕的悲痛，

On top of the constant, perpetual grief

我還非常害怕會碰到

I was terrified that I would run into a family member

被害人的家屬，

of someone Dylan had killed,

或是媒體或忿怒的老百姓來搭話。

or be accosted by the press

我害怕打開新聞，

or by an angry citizen.

好怕聽到我被人叫成 可怕的母親或可憎的人。

I was afraid to turn on the news,

我開始出現恐慌發作。

afraid to hear myself being called a terrible parent or a disgusting person.

第一次發作是在槍案後第四年發生，

I started having panic attacks.

當時我準備要作證

The first bout started four years after the shootings,

並與被害人的家屬面對面的相見。

when I was getting ready for the depositions

第二次發作是在槍擊案後第六年，

and would have to meet the victims' families face to face.

當時我準備要在研討會上

The second round started six years after the shootings,

公開演說有關於殺人後自盡的事情。

when I was preparing to speak publicly about murder-suicide

兩次發作都持續幾個星期。

for the first time at a conference.

恐慌在任何地方都有可能發作：

Both episodes lasted several weeks.

在五金器材行、辦公室、

The attacks happened everywhere:

甚至在床上閱讀都會。

in the hardware store, in my office,

我的心會突然陷入一陣陣的恐懼，

or even while reading a book in bed.

無論我多努力嘗試

My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror

安撫自己或說服自己脫離恐懼，

and no matter how I hard I tried

我就是做不到。

to calm myself down or reason my way out of it,

這個感覺就像是 我的腦子要把我殺掉，

I couldn't do it.

然後，對恐懼的恐懼

It felt as if my brain was trying to kill me,

吞噬了我所有的思考。

and then, being afraid of being afraid

那是我第一次感受到

consumed all of my thoughts.

有一個無法正常運作的頭腦 是什麼樣的感覺，

That's when I learned firsthand

這也是促使我成為 腦部健康倡導者的時刻。

what it feels like to have a malfunctioning mind,

透過治療、藥物及自我護理，

and that's when I truly became a brain health advocate.

生活終於回到

With therapy and medication and self-care,

在當時的情況下能夠 稱為正常的狀態。

life eventually returned

我回頭看過去發生的一切，

to whatever could be thought of as normal under the circumstances.

我可以看到我的兒子

When I looked back on all that had happened,

在大概兩年的時間內急遽失能。

I could see that my son's spiral into dysfunction

要是有人知道他需要幫助，

probably occurred over a period of about two years,

也知道怎麼幫忙他，

plenty of time to get him help,

兩年其實是一段足夠的時間。

if only someone had known that he needed help

每次有人問我，

and known what to do.

「你怎麼可能不知道？」

Every time someone asks me,

我就像肚子被狠狠的揍了一拳。

"How could you not have known?",

這句話帶著指控， 狠狠的刺進我的罪惡感。

it feels like a punch in the gut.

而無論我去做多少治療，

It carries accusation and taps into my feelings of guilt

也無法完全抹去這個罪惡感。

that no matter how much therapy I've had

但是我學到一點：

I will never fully eradicate.

如果愛足以

But here's something I've learned:

讓某人打消自殺念頭，

if love were enough

不去傷害別人，

to stop someone who is suicidal

自殺就不容易發生了。

from hurting themselves,

但是有愛還不夠，

suicides would hardly ever happen.

而自殺也很普遍。

But love is not enough,

自殺是 10 歲到 34 歲的人

and suicide is prevalent.

第二大死因。

It's the second leading cause of death

而 15% 的美國青少年

for people age 10 to 34,

表示在過去一年曾有自殺計畫。

and 15 percent of American youth

我學到無論我們 多想相信我們做得到，

report having made a suicide plan

我們其實不知道或不能控制

in the last year.

所愛之人的思想及感覺，

I've learned that no matter how much we want to believe we can,

而我們執著地相信自己跟別人不同，

we cannot know or control

我們所愛的人絕不會想傷害自己

everything our loved ones think and feel,

或別人。

and the stubborn belief that we are somehow different,

這會讓我們看不見

that someone we love would never think of hurting themselves

隱藏在光天化日下的事實。

or someone else,

如果最壞的情況真的發生了，