bombs, airships, a dude named Cid, the usual litany. What you don�t always expect is

beach-platform ass-sumo. As a minigame. I�ve been wrangling with my feelings on Final Fantasy

Crystal Chronicles: The Crystal Bearers for some time now, and here�s what I think:

despite being in no way whatsoever an RPG - let�s get that out of the way first, this

is an action game full of quicktime events and waggle and other eldritch machinations

- this feels like a drastic change of pace, funny enough, right around the height of the

�Japan is Over� sentiment. And while this game�s execution is kinda flawed in places,

particularly where targeting and camera are concerned... I have to admit, I like this

world they�ve crafted. You�ve still got the boilerplate four-tribes Crystal Chronicles

concept, only now there�s trains and televisions and a delightful lack of annoying verbal tics

and Lilties are no longer the Tarutaru-esque midgets they once were.

TJ�s Lessons for not-quite-RPG Dumbasses, chapter whatever: When a cute girl offers

to buy you tea, even if she�s from outside of your species, and EVEN if you were very

recently terrorized by her pet ferret, you sit your ass down in that chair and drink

your goddamn TEA! Or stand there. This particular dumbass, the star of our story, is the Crystal

Bearer Layle, a kid endowed with incredible, arcane, powers of telekinesis, which means

of course he�s on the run from the law. After a chance encounter with one of the last

remaining Yukes - not youths, for a change - who appears to be up to no good, Layle finds

himself attempting to thwart a resurrection, using the power of throwing crap into other

crap. Seriously, that�s all he�s got. No oversized sword, no gunblade, just whatever�s

on hand: rocks, cacti, fungi, other enemies. Clear the area quickly enough and you can

earn another segment of your health bar, in case you didn�t think this felt Legend of

Zelda-ish enough.

Yeah. Doesn�t look like any Final Fantasy I�ve ever played, either. But then again,

perhaps I was just so disappointed in Ring of Fates that I needed anything else. Despite

some hang-ups with the point-and-waggle-intensive controls, though, Crystal Bearers felt...

liberating, I guess is the word. The gameplay can vary wildly between action platforming,

beating up monsters, tinkering together new equipment, and stealthing your way through

a train car on lockdown. Through it all, you�re being hounded by - or stalking, one or the

other - a mischievous Selkie named Belle, who I swear I�ve heard somewhere before...

Anyway, it�s all the adventure of a Final Fantasy, just without the number-fixated gameplay

or stat micromanagement. So, wait, isn�t this what everyone was clamoring for? A non-RPG

that could live up to its notorious name?

Well, maybe folks wanted that stat micromanagement. Maybe folks wanted a main character who was

a bit more energetic than Trent Lane. Maybe folks wanted control that wasn�t dependent

on holding a cursor over a target (while bouncing around in a Chocobo-drawn carriage) or whose

combat was a little more elaborate than �Throw crap at crap.� It starts off as a cool idea,

but can quickly turn repetitive since, unlike most RPGs, you can�t really break your damage

output. Maybe folks were nervous, thinking Belle was gonna call them �Sempai� and

wouldn�t that be confusing. Maybe they wanted an actual Final Fantasy game, instead of this

well-meaning yet very, very different substance. Eh, more for me. I�m fine with action-adventure

with Moogles and crystals and Cid, especially with the intense focus on comedic timing that

Crystal Bearers provides. Isn�t that right, dude-whose-cart-just-got-absconded-with?