I have a wonderful and special guest, Cat,

who is channeling Ms. Catriffic and I will link

in the description.

But she is here to talk with us about ways to know

if you're in a toxic relationship.

So stay tuned.

(upbeat music)

So like I said, we're gonna talk about ways to know

that you're in a toxic relationship.

And the first is

- When you're more unhappy than you are happy.

- This makes me think because I love "Sex and the City",

I don't know if you do

- I actually haven't seen it.

- (gasp) There is a part of a episode where Samantha

is telling Carrie, Carrie's in a bad relationship

with Berger, if anybody watched it, and she's like,

I think the test of a relationship is how

many times are you like this...

and how much time are you like this...

And Carrie's like, that's not the test,

but in essence, I think it really is.

- Yeah, it definitely is.

I mean, I kind of want to

just be like this, like I kind of

just want to be like chill.

I don't want to be super have to be super happy

or if I'm super unhappy that would suck too.

I kinda just want to be like mellow

In the middle, consistently good.

- Yeah and that's, I agree, cause consistency's

real important for me.

I think straight emoji face. - Straight face.

Yeah, just, just, you know, or the little smirk

- Smirk.

Just a little smirk on the side,

I'm chill but I'm flirty and happy. (laughing)

People say "Yeah, but when we first started dating

it was so good.

Or like sometimes it's really, really good."

I'm like "Yeah but when it's bad, it's really bad and

it's bad a lot",

So why are you still dating them?

- Yeah, and I think taking note of that,

how often, you know, are you down?

'Cause those really, really high times

shouldn't, you shouldn't

be weighting those stronger if the majority of

time you're like gleh.

- Exactly.

- Now the second is, and this one's actually my

personal favorite.

- Your favorite...

My favorite sign of a toxic relationship

(laughing)

- But it's one that I can relate to I guess.

Cause I've had a friend do this.

It's when none of your friends like them.

- Oh yeah, that is very relatable.

I definitely, this year,

had two friends that were in relationships and

no one liked their significant other

but no one wanted to tell them.

And it's like what do you do in that situation.

As a friend do you say something or do you not?

If it's something, if I feel like the relationship

is gonna last and they're like, headed towards marriage

or something, I will absolutely say something.

- Same.

- 'Cause I'm just like, I can't sit back and watch this.

But if I feel like it's just going to fall apart on

its own cause it's not a good relationship, then I'm just

gonna avoid hanging out with you guys so it's pretty clear

I don't like them, but I'm not having say anything.

- And it's a tough, that's a tricky thing because

as a friend, you don't want to lose a friend by saying

"You know, I think your girlfriend, boyfriend, whoever

is an asshole" or "I don't like them"

- Yeah, and you don't, because they're in love,

they're gonna pick them over you

- Totally. - In the moment

And then be like "Oh, we shouldn't have done that".

When they break up, they'll come crawling back.

- Totally. It's true.

Then they're your friend again

but it sucks in the time so I like that you weigh

and measure that cause that's something I've learned

as an adult, if I think she's gonna fizzle out,

I'll let it go, but if I--

- If they're making a huge life mistake

- Yeah, I had a friend that was gonna move

to Hawaii with this guy--

- I'm actually going to Hawaii next week.

- Oh perfect.

- Are they still there? (laughing)

- But she didn't go because I was like,

it's terrible, don't do it

Because it was a big life decision and I'm like,

that's not good.

So I had to speak up.

So if your trusted people, the people you keep

in your corner don't like the person you're with,

there's probably a good reason.

Maybe you should talk to them about it.

- The third sign you're in a toxic relationship is you

are the worst version of yourself.

And I feel like we all

have been around people in our life,

whether it was a friend, a family member,

or a relationship that, they just bring

this ugly side out of you.

And it's just not the best.

- It's horrible.

I think it's bad too because it's like you're so

entrenched with them, or at least that was my experience.

Now I'm making it personal because I had a relationship

in high school that was so intense that it like,

I couldn't see out of it,

but I didn't like who I had become.

Once I broke, we had our first round of breakups,

'cause there were multiple, (laughing)

- As we do - Which is so wonderful

I had noticed I didn't like myself anymore

and my best friend actually told me,

speaking of the last one, she was like "I don't really

like being around you.

You're not the Kati that I knew".

And I was like "Oh my gosh."

- You completely change.

It's just usually that is a

true sign of something toxic.

It's poisoning, changing

who you are, ruining something that's good.

Whereas the opposite, if you're in a good relationship,

they're gonna bring out the best sides of you

and challenge you to be a better person and push you

and you know, hold you accountable.

Whereas the other situation is just kinda,

it's not good and it's hard sometimes to look

in the mirror and be like,

"Is this person making me worse or better?"

And to be honest with yourself and be ugh.

- I know sometimes it's hard to be honest with yourself.

But someone that you're with,

who you love and want to spend time with,

even a friendship relationship,

should be someone who challenges you to be better.

- And I think that just because you're going through

a season where someone is

making you the worst version of yourself

doesn't mean you have to break up.

You could just acknowledge it and be like

We're being horrible people right now and

we need to get our act together if we want to stay together.

And start changing the ways we treat each other,

the way we interact, or whatever.

Work on it

- I also want throw in that it's

not any one person's fault.

Oftentimes it's just the combination of the two.

I'm not gonna say the guy I was in a relationship with

all those years ago--

- It's all his fault, he brought the worst sides out of you.

- No, it was us together was not good.

- A bad recipe. (laughing)

- (laughing) It was.

It was real bad.

The final sign to know that you're in a toxic

relationship is abuse.

I think this is an important thing

and obviously we could talk a lot about it.

I have a video about emotional abuse, you can click here

and also physical abuse and you can click there.

I'll put the links in the description,

but for today's video, we're just gonna talk about

them briefly and I think the first for me is physical abuse.

If they're hitting you in any way.

I don't care if they were drunk.

I don't care if they were high.

I don't care if it had been a really big fight.

No one should physically, you shouldn't have

physical altercations be part of your relationship period.

So if that's happening,

I think it's a good sign you need to end the relationship.

- Yeah, absolutely.

In contrast to that, also emotional abuse

is something that people don't realize it's just as

effective or painful as physical abuse.

Emotional abuse, that trauma can stay with you

for the rest of your life and give you complexes

that are so hard to get rid of.

- Totally...

- It's just as important.

If you recognize or people are telling you

you're in an emotionally abusive situation,

that's, you need to get out.

- This can be done so cattaly,

that's the bad part of it for me.

A lot of people wind up in

these relationships and don't notice.

It can be overstepping your boundaries all the time.

Sharing your personal information,

not respecting when you're saying no,

you don't want to have sex.

But you're like "It's not rape because we are

in a relationship."

Also controlling money.

Or controlling what you do, where you go.

We've all had those friends that are in

relationships where the guy or the girl is like

"I don't want you going out with them" or

"you can't see them" or "why aren't you home?"

Incessantly texting - Ugh...

This is making me cringe so hard right now.

- 'Cause it's so icky, it's like ugh.

That kind of goes back to all our other signs.

If your friends don't like them,

that's usually,

they're gonna be the first ones to pick up on it

because often when we're in a relationship

or if we're in that bubble, we don't see out.

The one thing I want to get across is

if any of these are you, don't feel like

anything's wrong with you

or you should be embarrassed or ashamed.

We've all been through similar situations.

These are just some healthy, happy reminders

that you're worth it and you can be in a healthy,

wonderful relationship where you

spend all your time like this (smiling).

- Or like this.

- Or yeah, a little smirk. (laughing)

- Flirty smirk.

- I hope you found this helpful.

I know a lot of us are in relationships

or hoping to be in relationships,

and know that each and everyone of you deserves

to have a happy, healthy relationship with the little,

just the little smirk.

(laughing)

We did the video over on Cat's channel

where we talked about five reasons why you might be single.

So click over here and I'll put a link in the description

to her channel and our video.

Definitely check it out.

She has wonderful things on her channel.

Like this video, give it a thumbs up if you like it

and leave in the comments.

Let us know what other signs.

Maybe we missed some.

What other red flags are there?

We want to protect all our wonderful Kinions