Online gaming for consoles was just starting to emerge

You had the PS2 Network Adapter and you had Xbox Live

Remember stupid ass Dark Master?

I must have been like 12 years old when I got my Xbox

I got Return to Castle Wolfenstein

I got that old school headset

and I'd get in there on Xbox Live and I'm like:

Hey guys! Let's go win the game, dude!

And just a wave of angry douches descend on me like:

Shut the fuck up you little gay ass you little fucking 6 year old little bitch shut up

and I'm just sitting there

with a big ass smile on my face like

“This is amazing”

And I loved Xbox Live as a kid

playing Counter-Strike,

MechAssault, Halo 2,

Burnout 3, DOA

I remember putting the stupid voice mask on and wack to sound like a robot

It was a magical place

where you could call some black dude in his thirties

a "pee pee head"

"Dude! They can hear me! And I can hear them!"

"That's the coolest thing about Xbox Live, the voice."

And you would just make friends

with the most unlikely people that you would never meet in a hundred years in real life

And I've met some of my oldest friends on Xbox Live,

ya know, some of the funniest, most genuine people of all time

Ya know maybe charging 50 bucks back in 2002

when the consumer didn't know anything about that

ya know, it was just coming out

But, it's 2015 now

Ya know, things change

We know now that it doesn't cost shit to play games online

We know you spend any money on the servers,

or do any upkeep at all

Xbox Live is essentially Microsoft taking money for doing absolutely nothing

No other consoles were charging you money to play their games online,

and yet, Xbox still did it the worst out of all three of them

Gears of War,

you guys remember this game was so inconsistent and laggy and host would always just clean house in that game

And then over here you had PS3 with Resistance 2

Completely free-to-play online, and you had 60 players in a match,

and it -- it just worked beautifully

And that was probably the moment where I was like:

Okay, why are they still charging me for Xbox Live?

But, Sony saw that you know,

you could just get money for free so they said fuck it

They pulled a complete 180

And now they charge you money to play PS4 online

So thank you Microsoft

Thank you for inspiring your competitors to sink to your level

The original white Xbox 360 was a terrible piece of hardware

Ya know, back in 2009

it was reported that 54% of them had broke down

and that number has probably gone way up since then

I remember i got the Red Ring

back when, Blue Dragon came out

I was so sad because that was pretty much

the only thing I was doing was playing Xbox everyday

And a shitload of 360s were getting Red Rings

so Microsoft responded with this fake ass repair policy to save face

claiming that they would extend warranties on older units to fix the Red Rings

So, [Clears throat]

what you had to do is you had to call support

would ship you a box in like four weeks

You had to put your Xbox in there

ship it back to Microsoft and then a month later,

they send you your Xbox back

and it was still broken

and [Chuckles] it was such a shitshow

And I did this six times

Six times I sent it back to Microsoft,

and they sent it back broken every time

and on my seventh attempt

the guy on phone support tells me:

“Oh I'm sorry sir, you're no longer covered by the warranty.”

So yeah,

Microsoft's actual response to every 360 breaking down was:

Hey, buy this new black Xbox 360. This one actually works!

Games for Windows Live is the single worst interface

ever introduced in the history of PC gaming

It was designed as a sick practical joke by the Nazis to troll gamers

Now for this one I gotta take you back a couple years

My Youtube channel was just starting to do good

I was making some decent money off my videos

So like a complete fucking idiot

I signed a year long lease for this really expensive apartment

And then the month I move in

Youtube ads start paying 40% of what they were previously paying

Not to mention

you know, I Machinima taking a huge cut of that money

"Sign here please."

"WELCOME TO MACHINIMA!"

[Scream]

So during that whole year I was just super stressed out

Trying to make as videos as I could to make enough money to live off of

and I was putting out, ya know, 8 to 9 videos a month

So pretty much just back to back

everyday, every hour working on videos

And I was just looking to for any opportunity

to make some extra money to pay this stupid enormous rent

And Microsoft comes in with this deal

they say:

“Oh, okay. We'll pay you 2 months rent

if you make four videos for our new indie game we're putting out.”

So I email them and I say:

“Okay, I'll do it. What are the guidelines?”

and they respond:

“Oh just do whatever you want”

So I make this

and within 2 hours Microsoft takes down the video

they cancel the deal with me

and they don't even pay me for that first video

Now this is the knock out punch

this is where Microsoft sums their entire purpose

as a company into one single moment

Valve was releasing a whole new set of maps for Left 4 Dead for free

they were give you all the new maps for free

Microsoft saw this and told them no

you can't do that

because they didn't like the precedent Valve was setting with the free DLC

and they didn't want other companies following in Valve's example

So, you had the maps for free on day one on PC

and then 3 weeks later, you had them for $20 on Xbox

You have to [Laughs] ask yourself

What kind of human being would perpetrate such terrible, evil acts upon the gaming community?

Ya know?

Unless they weren't people at all

Think about it

Xbox Live, the faulty hardware, Windows 8, 13 billion dollars worth of sand

Microsoft is run by ANTS

It's run by ants

DreamWorks, you guys know DreamWorks right

Shrek, Madagascar, How to Train Your Dragon

DreamWorks was actually founded by Microsoft's own Paul Allen

Do you guys recall what was DreamWorks' first movie they put out?

Oh wha-what was that?

IT WAS ANTZ

It was Antz ladies and gentlemen

It was fucking Antz

I rest my case