Online gaming for consoles was just starting to emerge

遊戲平台上的線上連線機制才剛出現

You had the PS2 Network Adapter and you had Xbox Live

有PS2網路轉接頭，有XBbox Live

Remember stupid ass Dark Master?

記得那白癡廣告的"黑暗大師"嗎?

I must have been like 12 years old when I got my Xbox

我第一次拿到Xbox的時候大概是12歲

I got Return to Castle Wolfenstein

我有"重返德軍總部"

I got that old school headset

我有那過時的耳機

and I'd get in there on Xbox Live and I'm like:

然後我一上線就說:

Hey guys! Let's go win the game, dude!

"嘿各位!讓我們贏下這場比賽吧!老兄"

And just a wave of angry douches descend on me like:

"然後大家開始嘴砲我一波"

Shut the fuck up you little gay ass you little fucking 6 year old little bitch shut up

閉上鳥嘴啦你這臭gay屁孩媽的六歲小婊子閉嘴!

and I'm just sitting there

我就呆坐在那邊

with a big ass smile on my face like

傻笑掛在我臉上，說:

“This is amazing”

"太酷了吧..."

And I loved Xbox Live as a kid

而且我從小就很愛Xbox

playing Counter-Strike,

玩"反恐小組"

MechAssault, Halo 2,

"MechAssault,最後一戰2"

Burnout 3, DOA

"Burnout 3, DOA "

I remember putting the stupid voice mask on and wack to sound like a robot

我還記得戴上那白癡的變聲面具，讓聲音變得跟機器人一樣

It was a magical place

當時的連線真的是太屌了

where you could call some black dude in his thirties

屌到你可以直接叫一個大概三十歲的黑人

a "pee pee head"

"尿尿頭"

"Dude! They can hear me! And I can hear them!"

"欸!他們聽得到我的聲音，我也聽到到他們欸!"

"That's the coolest thing about Xbox Live, the voice."

"Xbox最猛就是在這裡啊!聲音!"

And you would just make friends

然後就可以隨意交友

with the most unlikely people that you would never meet in a hundred years in real life

而且是跟你現實生活中就算一百年你也不可能遇到的人交朋友

And I've met some of my oldest friends on Xbox Live,

我已經在Xbox Live上遇到了一些我認識最久的朋友

ya know, some of the funniest, most genuine people of all time

就是那種最搞笑，也最真誠的好友

Ya know maybe charging 50 bucks back in 2002

大概那時候要花50美元在那時候才能夠連線遊玩

when the consumer didn't know anything about that

但那是在消費者對什麼都不知情的情況下

ya know, it was just coming out

連線機制在當時就像突然出現一般

But, it's 2015 now

但!現在是2015年了

Ya know, things change

時移境遷

We know now that it doesn't cost shit to play games online

我們現在都知道玩線上遊戲根本不用花什麼屁錢

We know you spend any money on the servers,

我們知道根本不用花錢在伺服器上面

or do any upkeep at all

也不用花錢在維修上

Xbox Live is essentially Microsoft taking money for doing absolutely nothing

Xbox Live就是Microsoft一個完全沒道理收費的例子

No other consoles were charging you money to play their games online,

根本沒有其他的遊戲平台會因為你連線玩遊戲而要錢

and yet, Xbox still did it the worst out of all three of them

但是!Microsoft果不其然是這三個裡面表現最差的(由左至右Nintendo Sony Microsoft)

Gears of War,

"戰爭機器"

you guys remember this game was so inconsistent and laggy and host would always just clean house in that game

你們記不記得那遊戲超不協調，超級延遲，只有房主是唯一順的所以把大家都殺成肉醬

And then over here you had PS3 with Resistance 2

然後看看PS3上的"Resistance 2"

Completely free-to-play online, and you had 60 players in a match,

完完全全不用錢，一場遊戲裡面有60人

and it -- it just worked beautifully

但卻跑得超~順

And that was probably the moment where I was like:

在那時候我就想:

Okay, why are they still charging me for Xbox Live?

"蛤?他們居然要在Xbox上收老子的錢?"

But, Sony saw that you know,

但是Sony居然發現了微軟的奧步

you could just get money for free so they said fuck it

天啊居然可以在不用花錢的事情上收錢

They pulled a complete 180

他們的做法180度大轉變

And now they charge you money to play PS4 online

現在PS4上的連線都得花錢

So thank you Microsoft

謝謝吼Microsoft

Thank you for inspiring your competitors to sink to your level

謝謝你激勵了你的競爭者讓他掉到跟你一樣差勁的地步

The original white Xbox 360 was a terrible piece of hardware

原本白色的Xbox360的硬體真是爛到不可置信

Ya know, back in 2009

2009年時

it was reported that 54% of them had broke down

幾乎54%的Xbox360都是損壞的

and that number has probably gone way up since then

自那之後應該還有更多更多的損壞報告

I remember i got the Red Ring

我記得那時我的Xbox360有"三紅"的情形

back when, Blue Dragon came out

"藍龍"剛剛在那時候出來

I was so sad because that was pretty much

我當時超難過

the only thing I was doing was playing Xbox everyday

因為我在當時幾乎每天都在玩Xbox

And a shitload of 360s were getting Red Rings

他媽的一大堆的360卻都在"三紅"

so Microsoft responded with this fake ass repair policy to save face

為了挽救顏面，Microsoft回復了一個連屁都不如的維修方案

claiming that they would extend warranties on older units to fix the Red Rings

說什麼他們會延長保固來應變"三紅"

So, [Clears throat]

所以

what you had to do is you had to call support

你必須做的事情就是打給客服

would ship you a box in like four weeks

然後他們會在四個禮拜內寄給你一個箱子

You had to put your Xbox in there

你得把你的Xbox放在裏頭

ship it back to Microsoft and then a month later,

寄回去，過一個月後

they send you your Xbox back

他們再寄回來

and it was still broken

結果還是壞的

and [Chuckles] it was such a shitshow

真他媽是場鬧劇

And I did this six times

我還真的這樣做了六次

Six times I sent it back to Microsoft,

我寄回給Microsoft六次

and they sent it back broken every time

他們每次寄回來給我都還是壞的

and on my seventh attempt

我第七次要寄的時候

the guy on phone support tells me:

電話那頭的客服告訴我

“Oh I'm sorry sir, you're no longer covered by the warranty.”

"抱歉先生，你已經不在保固期限了"

So yeah,

所以...

Microsoft's actual response to every 360 breaking down was:

Microsoft對我壞掉的360真正的回應是:

Hey, buy this new black Xbox 360. This one actually works!

"嘿!買這台黑色啦!這台真的不會有問題!"

Games for Windows Live is the single worst interface

Window Live上面的介面都很爛

ever introduced in the history of PC gaming

它所引進的介面絕對是所有PC Game上爛得最徹底的

It was designed as a sick practical joke by the Nazis to troll gamers

搞得像是納粹黨設計的噁心玩笑好來搞我們這些遊戲玩家

Now for this one I gotta take you back a couple years

第Q點:關於這點，我得帶你們回到幾年前

My Youtube channel was just starting to do good

我的Youtube頻道開始蓬勃

I was making some decent money off my videos

開始在我的影片上獲得較的收入

So like a complete fucking idiot

我像個弱智一樣

I signed a year long lease for this really expensive apartment

簽了一年的租月，就為了這超貴的公寓

And then the month I move in

當月我就搬進去了

Youtube ads start paying 40% of what they were previously paying

Youtube 廣告開始只付我原本他們付給我的百分之40

Not to mention

更別提

you know, I Machinima taking a huge cut of that money

Machinima還從那40%拿了很多走

"Sign here please."

"來請簽這裡"

"WELCOME TO MACHINIMA!"

"歡迎加入MACHINIMA!"

[Scream]

啊!!!

So during that whole year I was just super stressed out

那年我真的壓力很大

Trying to make as videos as I could to make enough money to live off of

我能做多少影片就做多少，好讓我能賺夠多錢來遠離那些事實

and I was putting out, ya know, 8 to 9 videos a month

我大概一個月出8到9個影片

So pretty much just back to back

幾乎是連續不斷的出

everyday, every hour working on videos

每天，每小時都花費在影片上

And I was just looking to for any opportunity

我努力尋找任何機會

to make some extra money to pay this stupid enormous rent

賺更多的錢來付這靠北多的租金

And Microsoft comes in with this deal

Microsoft在這時候搞了這招

they say:

他們說:

“Oh, okay. We'll pay you 2 months rent

"嗯..沒問題，我們會付你兩個月的租金

if you make four videos for our new indie game we're putting out.”

只要你為我們獨立製作的遊戲做四個影片"

So I email them and I say:

我回信說"

“Okay, I'll do it. What are the guidelines?”

"好，我接受，阿你們的宣傳方針呢?"

and they respond:

他們回

“Oh just do whatever you want”

"做你想做的就ok啦"

So I make this

我就做了這個

and within 2 hours Microsoft takes down the video

不到兩小時Microsoft就撤下影片

they cancel the deal with me

他們取消了和我的協議

and they don't even pay me for that first video

連我幫他們做的第一部影片都沒付我錢

Now this is the knock out punch

這是最後大招

this is where Microsoft sums their entire purpose

這就是Microsoft將它身為Microsoft的所有目的

as a company into one single moment

集結於一瞬間的時刻

Valve was releasing a whole new set of maps for Left 4 Dead for free

Valve當時正為"惡靈勢力"釋出一組完全新的地圖，免錢的

they were give you all the new maps for free

他們就是打算給你們這些全部都免錢的地圖

Microsoft saw this and told them no

Microsoft發現結果告訴他們

you can't do that

"不!你不能這樣喔"

because they didn't like the precedent Valve was setting with the free DLC

因為他們不希望Valve成為免費釋出DLC的先例

and they didn't want other companies following in Valve's example

他們也不希望其他公司跟上Valve的步伐

So, you had the maps for free on day one on PC

搞成第一天你在PC上玩的時候有免費地圖

and then 3 weeks later, you had them for $20 on Xbox

第三個禮拜你得在Xbox上付20美元才能玩到

You have to [Laughs] ask yourself

你得...問問自己

What kind of human being would perpetrate such terrible, evil acts upon the gaming community?

怎樣的人才會在這麼廣大的遊戲群體裡犯下這麼恐怖、邪惡的壞事?

Ya know?

你知道嗎

Unless they weren't people at all

除非他們全不是人

Think about it

你仔細想一下

Xbox Live, the faulty hardware, Windows 8, 13 billion dollars worth of sand

Xbox Live，錯誤百出的爛硬體，Windows8，浪費130億美元的垃圾

Microsoft is run by ANTS

Microsoft是螞蟻在經營的

It's run by ants

真的是螞蟻在經營

DreamWorks, you guys know DreamWorks right

DreamWorks，聽說過DreamWorks吧

Shrek, Madagascar, How to Train Your Dragon

史瑞克，馬達加斯加，馴龍高手

DreamWorks was actually founded by Microsoft's own Paul Allen

DreamWorks其實是由Paul Allen，這個和Microsoft的合夥人成立的

Do you guys recall what was DreamWorks' first movie they put out?

記得第一步DreamWorks的第一部電影嗎?

Oh wha-what was that?

蛤?是什麼?蛤?

IT WAS ANTZ

螞蟻總動員

It was Antz ladies and gentlemen

先生女士! 螞蟻總動員

It was fucking Antz

他媽的螞蟻總動員

I rest my case

罪證確鑿!