Yes, Ratbert.

It's a Dogbert Day tradition.

Everyone must wear

the uncomfortable festive headgear

Except me.

I think a fruit fly just went up my nostril.

[SNEEZES]

Do you mind?

I'm trying to watch the pine cone celebration parade.

Why don't you watch it in person?

Then I wouldn't get to hear the commentary.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Look, Phil

it's another one of those big things.

What are they called?

I think that is called a float

and the name originated right here in Seattle, yeah.

Hmm, they got further last year.

I forget.

Is Dogbert Day a national holiday?

Well, right now, it's confined to this room

but I'm trying to take it national.

I have a meeting with congress tomorrow.

How do you GET A MEETING WITH CONGRESS?

I said I was a lobbyist for the A.P.W.D.B.U.D.

The Association of People Who Drink Beer and Use Dynamite?

Exactly

Congress is trying to squelch their freedom of speech.

Freedom of speech?

What exactly are People Who Drink Beer

and Use Dynamite trying to say?

Uh, usually it's something like

"I'm sorry about what happened to your mobile home, Bobby Joe,"

but it's not what they say, it's their right to say it.

It is? Not really.

It's just an excuse to talk to congress

so I can push my idea for a national Dogbert Day.

We'll return to the pine cone celebration

after the body count.

Now, we join BABE GETS WHAT'S COMING TO HIM

already in progress.

How does one celebrate Dogbert Day

aside from wearing uncomfortable hats?

Ratbert?

[CLEARS THROAT]

On Dogbert Day, any child who has been good all year

gets to shoplift for an hour.

I think good behavior should be rewarded.

The traditional Dogbert Day feast is the bald eagle.

I wanted something special.

The traditional music of Dogbert Day

is a drum solo played on your own skull with spoons.

Do you think anyone will catch on to the fact

that the entire Dogbert Day holiday is designed

for the sole purpose of being annoying?

No one caught on when I invented National Secretary's Day.

I wondered who came up with that.

[EXPLOSION]

[music]

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Hey! You broke my window.

It was already like that.

What are you talking about?

I watched you do it.

Well, it looks like we have

one of those he-said, she-said situations.

I also have it on videotape.

So, it's a he-said, she-said, grainy video situation.

I'll have fingerprints and DNA in a second.

You got quite a list of priors here, Dick.

Now it's going to be awkward

every time I see him in the hallway.

Sign the Secretary's Day Card for Carol

and route it around.

Have you every wondered

who came up with Secretary's Day?

Who comes up with any of this garbage?

Here, I've got a card for Jennifer's wedding,

a congratulations card for Mike's baby,

three birthdays and a gender-change operation card

that says, "Get well" and then on the inside it says, "Hung."

Cute.

I signed those already.

Here.

Whoa, nice try, but I already signed it.

You know the rules.

You have to find the next person on the routing slip.

All right, all right.

[GROANS]

Let the hunt begin.

[LAUGHING]

I hate holidays.

Hey, Dick, old buddy,

it's your turn to sign this Secretary's Day card.

There you are, Dilbert.

The meeting's just starting.

[SHOUTING] Can we go now?!

Now, now, Loud Howard

I know we're all anxious to start the long weekend

and get on with our vacation plans.

What long weekend?

There isn't a holiday for two weeks.

I think that's what makes it long.

Shut up, Dilbert.

You're keeping me off the slopes.

Be sure to ski near the trees.

It's more fun that way.

Can we go now?!

No, Howard, we have to start the meeting.

Hey, a sports bra.

Can I have that?

So, you're letting them play sports now?

[GROANS]

That's the same sound made by the mongoose

before it swallows its prey, the rhinoceros.

Sometimes it takes months for a mongoose to digest

one of those beautiful creatures.

It's quite a sight.

You know, that's the best time to bag a rhino.

They can't see you coming once they're inside the mongoose.

A mongoose is the size of a cat.

And they hibernate.

Did you know that?

Can we go now?!

No.

Not quite yet

though, for the life of me, I'm not sure why.

Does anyone know why I called this meeting?

Anybody?

I'm asking for volunteers.

I have something to say.

[GROUP GROANING]

We have too many holidays.

We have more holidays than days

and if we're not celebrating a holiday

we're either planning for the next one

or we're recovering from the last one.

We spend all our time giving cards to people we don't know

decorating cakes for people we don't care about

or buying presents for people we don't even like enough

to have as friends outside of work.

That reminds me-- Thanks for the cufflinks.

Oh, you're welcome.

It seems that someone invents a new holiday every day--

Holidays that don't make sense

for reasons that we don't understand.

It's made all holidays meaningless.

I've always loved groundhog day.

Those little guys are so cute

before you shoot them.

Is there some point here?

Yes.

The reason we can't get any work done around here

is because we don't have any non-holiday days.

So... you think we should work nights instead.

Can we go now?!

I am totally preoccupied with my upcoming vacation.

No point in fighting it.

Meeting dismiss--

Boys, you ought to get out there

live a little.

If you need me, I'm reachable in Africa.

Just call Africa and ask for me.

I told them to expect your call.

[AFRICAN MUSIC PLAYING]

How come you didn't leave with the rest of them, Asok?

On my salary, I can only afford to take vacations

within the building itself.

This year, I have saved up enough money

to spend five days in the handicapped toilet

of the fifth floor gentlemen's bathroom.

It is part of a restroom-hostel program.

So I guess it's just you and me at work tomorrow.

No, just you.

My vacation commences in 10 minutes

but feel free to visit me.

There is always room for guests.

Should I bring anything?

Potato salad would be nice.

They move the holiday to a Monday

so it's a three-day holiday.

Then they want to leave on Friday,

to take full advantage of it

but everyone's leaving on Friday

and everyone wants to beat the traffic

so they leave on Thursday.

And if you're leaving on Thursday

why not Wednesday night?

And you can't come back on Monday.

That's still a holiday.

And you can't come back on Tuesday

because everybody comes back on Tuesday

so you outsmart everybody and come back on Wednesday.

So, now, you're leaving on Wednesday

and coming back on Wednesday

And suddenly, a one-day holiday is now a week!

Well, I guess I'll call it a day.

WOMAN ON RADIO: This secretary's day

show your assistant how valuable he is

by ordering him

to buy flowers for himself at Honeybee Florist.

MAN: And don't forget--

Tomorrow, the entire city will be closed down

for the Priapism Awareness Parade.

[SIGHS] I'm being holidayed to death.

I can't work; I can't listen to music;

I can't use the highway.

Our regularly scheduled program,

"Dr. Lorna Calls You a Moron," won't be aired today

because Dr. Lorna went on holiday without telling anyone.

In her place, we bring you

the senate subcommittee hearings on... oh, something.

SENATOR: I, uh, yield my time to the distinguished senator

from one of those states that, uh...

don't deserve roads and schools.

[HEAVILY-ACCENTED INDISTINGUISHABLE SPEECH]

I don't know if the rest of you heard it

but I think he just confessed to being a communist.

[HEAVILY-ACCENTED INDISTINGUISHABLE SPEECH]

I yield the senator's time to myself.

You can't do that.

It's against the rules.

All in favor of changing the rules

and just maybe getting

a huge soft money campaign contribution in return

say "aye."

[ALL SAYING AYE]

That's better.

Now, I'd like you all to sign a bill

making Dogbert Day a national holiday

and canceling all other holidays.

I thought you said you were a lobbyist

for the Association of Beer- Drinking Dynamite Users.

Now, that I SUPPORT.

I don't know about this holiday thing.

It's a package deal.

I added the Dogbert Day bill as a rider

to the Beer-Drinking and Dynamite Freedom Bill.

Does anyone have a match?

Here you go, son.

If this sort of thing ever gets outlawed

it'll be a slippery slope.

Thanks.

I make a motion that we vote on the national Dogbert Day bill.

I fail to see how eliminating all the other holidays

Is good for Rhode Island.

I, for one, would miss all the fireworks

and the Easter bunnies and the New Year's Eve parties

where I get drunk and depressed

and do things I don't remember, but always regret.

I propose an amendment that would add

all of the holiday traditions to Dogbert Day.

Dogbert Day would have cheap, tacky gifts

dangerous fireworks, visits from unpleasant relatives

corny parades, bad barbecues-- you name it.

Hmm, that sounds like it would be complicated

and incredibly frustrating for everyone.

I'm all for it.

You have my full support.

Down with big government!

All in favor, say "aye."

[ALL SAYING AYE]

Next on 40/40

we talk to Dogbert

who convinced congress to cancel all holidays

in favor of one holiday-- Dogbert Day.

We'll also hear from his critics.

Dogbert, in your own words

what motivated you to create Dogbert Day?

I think it stems from my religious belief