Sawubona.

大家好。

In South Africa, where I come from,

Sawubona。

"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."

我來自南非，

There's a beautiful and powerful intention behind the word

「sawubona」是祖魯語裏的 「你好」。

because "sawubona" literally translated means,

背後有一個有力而美麗的意圖。

"I see you, and by seeing you, I bring you into being."

因為「sawubona」字面翻譯是，

So beautiful, imagine being greeted like that.

「我看到你，因為過見你， 我感受到彼此的存在。」

But what does it take in the way we see ourselves?

想像受到如此的歡迎是如此美麗。

Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories

但是，我們如何看待自己呢？

that help us to thrive

如何看待那些幫助我們

in an increasingly complex and fraught world?

在這個日益複雜和焦慮的世界裡

This crucial question has been at the center of my life's work.

茁壯成長的想法、情緒和故事呢？

Because how we deal with our inner world drives everything.

這個至關重要的問題 是我一生工作的核心。

Every aspect of how we love, how we live,

因為我們如何處理內心世界 會驅動著我們的一切。

how we parent and how we lead.

我們的一切所愛、如何生活、

The conventional view of emotions as good or bad,

如何為人父母，及怎樣率領他人。

positive or negative,

傳統的觀點認為情緒有好有壞，

is rigid.

有正面有負面，

And rigidity in the face of complexity is toxic.

看似死板。

We need greater levels of emotional agility

以僵化的態度面對 錯綜複雜的問題是有害的。

for true resilience and thriving.

我們需要更大限度的情感靈活性

My journey with this calling

來支持生命的韌性和茁壯成長。

began not in the hallowed halls of a university,

我的使命

but in the messy, tender business of life.

不源於神聖的大學殿堂，

I grew up in the white suburbs of apartheid South Africa,

卻紮根在雜亂與溫柔的生活中。

a country and community committed to not seeing.

我在南非種族隔離時期的 白人郊區長大，

To denial.

一個常常被忽視、

It's denial that makes 50 years of racist legislation possible

被否認的國家和社區。

while people convince themselves that they are doing nothing wrong.

這個否認，使 50 年後的 種族主義立法成為可能，

And yet, I first learned of the destructive power of denial

而人們卻相信自己沒有做錯任何事。

at a personal level,

然而，我第一次真切體會到

before I understood what it was doing to the country of my birth.

被否認的破壞力，

My father died on a Friday.

遠在我明白自己出生的國家 正在發生什麼事之前。

He was 42 years old and I was 15.

我父親在一個星期五去世了。

My mother whispered to me to go and say goodbye to my father

當時他 42 歲，而我 15 歲。

before I went to school.

在返校前，母親低聲對我說，

So I put my backpack down and walked the passage that ran through

去和妳的父親最後道個別吧。

to where the heart of our home my father lay dying of cancer.

於是我把背包放下，走過一條通道，

His eyes were closed, but he knew I was there.

去到屋的中心， 那裡躺著因癌症而病危的父親。

In his presence, I had always felt seen.

他的眼睛雖然閉上， 但他知道我在那裡。

I told him I loved him,

在他面前，我總可感覺到被看見。

said goodbye and headed off for my day.

我告訴他我愛他，

At school, I drifted from science to mathematics to history to biology,

說完再見，開始了新的一天。

as my father slipped from the world.

當父親從世界上溜走的時候，

From May to July to September to November,

我在學校裡，從科學學到數學， 從歷史學到生物，

I went about with my usual smile.

從五月過到七月， 七月過到九月，九月再到十一月，

I didn't drop a single grade.

我都是帶著平常的笑容渡過。

When asked how I was doing, I would shrug and say, "OK."

與之前沒有什麽大的分別。

I was praised for being strong.

當我被問到最近怎麼樣時， 我會聳聳肩說：「我很好。」

I was the master of being OK.

我的堅強受到表揚。

But back home, we struggled --

我太善於假裝「我很好」了。

my father hadn't been able to keep his small business going

但回到家裡， 我們就得掙扎維持生計。

during his illness.

在爸爸生病的期間，

And my mother, alone, was grieving the love of her life

他無法一直維持他的小生意。

trying to raise three children,

母親因失去了生命中的 愛人而悲痛萬分，

and the creditors were knocking.

因為往後只靠她一個人了，

We felt, as a family, financially and emotionally ravaged.

還要設法撫養三個孩子，

And I began to spiral down, isolated, fast.

而且債權人還追上門來。

I started to use food to numb my pain.

我們的家庭遇上了 經濟和情感的災劫。

Binging and purging.

我開始飛速地墜落深淵和感到孤立。

Refusing to accept the full weight of my grief.

開始用食物來麻醉自己的痛苦。

No one knew, and in a culture that values relentless positivity,

用暴飲暴食來淨化內心。

I thought that no one wanted to know.

拒絕接受沈重的悲痛。

But one person did not buy into my story of triumph over grief.

在一種鼓吹無情文化的社會中， 沒有人想知道我的故事，

My eighth-grade English teacher fixed me with burning blue eyes

我以為真是沒有人想知道。

as she handed out blank notebooks.

但是有一個人， 並不相信我剛強的外表。

She said, "Write what you're feeling.

她是八年級的英語老師， 她用灼熱的藍眼睛盯著我

Tell the truth.

拿出一本空白筆記本給我。

Write like nobody's reading."

她說，「寫下你的感受。

And just like that,

要說實話。

I was invited to show up authentically to my grief and pain.

只寫給你自己看。」

It was a simple act

就這樣，

but nothing short of a revolution for me.

我被邀請真實地 表達我的悲傷和痛苦。

It was this revolution that started in this blank notebook

這是一個簡單的行為，

30 years ago

但對我來說卻是場革命。

that shaped my life's work.

自這本空白筆記本開始的革命，

The secret, silent correspondence with myself.

始於 30 年前，

Like a gymnast,

塑造了我一生的工作。

I started to move beyond the rigidity of denial

隱密而無聲地自我溝通。

into what I've now come to call

就像體操運動員一樣，

emotional agility.

我開始超越內心冰冷的痛苦，

Life's beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

來到了我現在所要說的話題，

We are young until we are not.

那就是獲得擁有生命力的感情。

We walk down the streets sexy

生命的美麗與脆弱連在一起。

until one day we realize that we are unseen.

我們還年輕， 終有一天我們不再年輕。

We nag our children and one day realize

我們迷人地走在街道上，

that there is silence where that child once was,

終有一天， 我們意識到別人看不見我們。

now making his or her way in the world.

我們嘮叨著孩子，終有一天意識到

We are healthy until a diagnosis brings us to our knees.

那個曾經沉默的孩子，

The only certainty is uncertainty,

現在正面向著世界。

and yet we are not navigating this frailty successfully or sustainably.

我們是健康的， 直到被診斷出疾病而受挫。

The World Health Organization tells us that depression

唯一的確定就是不確定，

is now the single leading cause of disability globally --

但是我們未能成功地、 永續地駕馭這種脆弱。

outstripping cancer,

世界衛生組織告訴我們

outstripping heart disease.

抑鬱症現在是全球 導致殘疾的主因之一，

And at a time of greater complexity,

超過癌症，

unprecedented technological, political and economic change,

也超過心臟病。

we are seeing how people's tendency

在更加複雜的時刻裡，

is more and more to lock down into rigid responses to their emotions.

在前所未有的技術、 政治和經濟的變化中，

On the one hand we might obsessively brood on our feelings.

我們看到人們傾向於

Getting stuck inside our heads.

强化嚴格控制情緒的反應。

Hooked on being right.

一方面，我們或許痴迷於我們的感情，

Or victimized by our news feed.

執著於腦中，

On the other, we might bottle our emotions,

自以為總是正確的，

pushing them aside

或者被某些新聞所傷害；

and permitting only those emotions deemed legitimate.

另一方面，或許 我們把情緒推到一邊，

In a survey I recently conducted with over 70,000 people,

只表現出那些看似正常的情緒。

I found that a third of us --

在最近與七萬多人進行的調查中，

a third --

我發現我們當中三分之一的人，

either judge ourselves for having so-called "bad emotions,"

有三分之一的人，

like sadness,

認為自己有所謂的「壞情緒」，

anger or even grief.

像心情糟糕、

Or actively try to push aside these feelings.

憤怒甚至悲傷；

We do this not only to ourselves,

或者主動推開這些感覺。

but also to people we love, like our children --

我們不僅對自己這樣做，

we may inadvertently shame them out of emotions seen as negative,

也對我們所愛的人做， 像對我們的孩子，

jump to a solution,

我們可能在無意中羞辱他們， 將他們的情緒視為負面的，

and fail to help them

急切地跳入解決，

to see these emotions as inherently valuable.

而沒幫助他們體認到

Normal, natural emotions are now seen as good or bad.

這些情緒本身的價值。

And being positive has become a new form of moral correctness.

正常而自然的情緒 現在被分為好的和壞的。

People with cancer are automatically told to just stay positive.

道德正確的新形式是積極的態度。

Women, to stop being so angry.

癌症患者被自動要求 應該要保持積極的態度。

And the list goes on.

女人被要求別那麼生氣。

It's a tyranny.

例子實在是不勝枚舉。

It's a tyranny of positivity.

這是一種暴政。

And it's cruel.

這是一種正面的暴政。

Unkind.

是殘酷的、

And ineffective.

刻薄的，

And we do it to ourselves,

而且效果不佳。

and we do it to others.

我們約束我們的情緒，

If there's one common feature

和我們約束別人的情緒。

of brooding, bottling or false positivity, it's this:

倘若憂鬱、禁閉 和虛假的正面有個共通點，

they are all rigid responses.

那就是

And if there's a single lesson we can learn

它們都是僵化的回應。

from the inevitable fall of apartheid

如果我們從種族隔離政策 無可避免的崩潰能學到一個教訓，

it is that rigid denial doesn't work.

那就是死板的否認起不了作用。

It's unsustainable.

那是不可持續的，

For individuals, for families,

對於個人、家庭，

for societies.

及社會都如此。

And as we watch the ice caps melt,

我們看到冰蓋的融化

it is unsustainable for our planet.

對這個星球來說是不可持續的。

Research on emotional suppression shows

抑制情緒的研究表明

that when emotions are pushed aside or ignored,

當情緒被推到一邊或被忽視時，

they get stronger.

就變得更頑強。

Psychologists call this amplification.

心理學家將這種放大效應

Like that delicious chocolate cake in the refrigerator --

看作像是放在冰箱裡的 美味巧克力蛋糕，

the more you try to ignore it ...

你越試圖忽略它..…

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

the greater its hold on you.

饞嘴的你就更加忍不住。

You might think you're in control of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,

你可能會認為， 要控制情緒，忽略它就可以了，

but in fact they control you.

但實際上它們會控制著你。

Internal pain always comes out.

內部的痛苦總要釋放出來。

Always.

總是。

And who pays the price?

誰要付出代價？

We do.

我們付代價，

Our children,

我們的孩子付，

our colleagues,

我們的同事付，

our communities.

我們的社區也付。

Now, don't get me wrong.

不要誤解我的意思，

I'm not anti-happiness.

我不反對幸福快樂，

I like being happy.

反而喜歡快樂。

I'm a pretty happy person.

我是一個非常開心的人。

But when we push aside normal emotions to embrace false positivity,

但當我們拋棄正常的情緒 擁抱錯誤的積極性時，

we lose our capacity to develop skills to deal with the world as it is,

我們就失去培養應對技能 來處理現今這樣的世界事務，

not as we wish it to be.

不是我們所希望的世界那樣。

I've had hundreds of people tell me what they don't want to feel.

有數以百計的人告訴我 他們不想要什麼樣的感覺。

They say things like,

他們這樣說：

"I don't want to try because I don't want to feel disappointed."

「我不想嘗試， 因為我不想感到失望。」

Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."

或者「我只想讓失望的感覺消失。」

"I understand," I say to them.

我對他們說：「我明白，」

"But you have dead people's goals."

「但是你的目標也是死人們的。」

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

(Applause)

（掌聲）

Only dead people

只有死去的人

never get unwanted or inconvenienced by their feelings.

永遠不會感受到不必要或不便。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

Only dead people never get stressed,

只有死去的人才會沒有壓力，

never get broken hearts,

永遠不會傷心，

never experience the disappointment that comes with failure.

永遠不會面對失敗帶來的失望。

Tough emotions are part of our contract with life.

情緒的困擾是 我們與生活契約的一部分。

You don't get to have a meaningful career

沒有一個有意義的職業、

or raise a family

養家糊口，

or leave the world a better place

或讓世界變得更美好

without stress and discomfort.

不需要面對壓力或苦惱。

Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.

苦惱是獲得生活意義的代價。

So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity

那麼，我們如何消除頑固的本性

and embrace emotional agility?

並擁抱機敏的情感？

As that young schoolgirl,

作為那個年輕的女學生，

when I leaned into those blank pages,

當我靠近這些空白頁面時，

I started to do away with feelings

一開始我是為了擺脫我的感覺

of what I should be experiencing.

和我應該經歷的東西。

And instead started to open my heart to what I did feel.

後來變成開始對自己 真正的感受打開心門。

Pain.

痛苦、

And grief.

悲傷、

And loss.

失敗，

And regret.

和遺憾。

Research now shows

目前的研究顯示，

that the radical acceptance of all of our emotions --

唯有學會根本地接受 我們所有的情緒，

even the messy, difficult ones --

包括混亂、艱難的情緒，

is the cornerstone to resilience, thriving,

才能重獲成長的基石，

and true, authentic happiness.

才能獲得真正的的幸福。

But emotional agility is more that just an acceptance of emotions.

情感上的敏感性 不僅僅是單純接受情緒。

We also know that accuracy matters.

我們也知道準確性很重要。

In my own research, I found that words are essential.

在我自己的研究中， 我發現那是必不可少的。

We often use quick and easy labels to describe our feelings.

我們經常用方便且簡單的標籤 來表達我們的感受。

"I'm stressed" is the most common one I hear.

我最常聽到的是「我感覺壓力大」。

But there's a world of difference between stress and disappointment

但壓力和失望來自於不同的世界。

or stress and that knowing dread of "I'm in the wrong career."

或因「我從事錯誤的職業」 而感受到恐懼和壓力。

When we label our emotions accurately,

當我們準確地識別我們的情緒時，

we are more able to discern the precise cause of our feelings.

我們更能夠辨別出 造成我們感受的確切原因。

And what scientists call the readiness potential in our brain

正如科學家們所說， 大腦中的準備潛力會被激活，

is activated, allowing us to take concrete steps.

讓我們採取一些具體的步驟，

But not just any steps -- the right steps for us.

不是任意的步驟，而是正確的步驟。

Because our emotions are data.

因為我們的情緒是數據。

Our emotions contain flashing lights to things that we care about.

我們的情緒包含著 我們關心事情的閃光。

We tend not to feel strong emotion

我們往往不會感到強烈的情緒，

to stuff that doesn't mean anything in our worlds.

當面對那些在我們的世界裡 沒有任何意義的東西時。

If you feel rage when you read the news,

如果你看新聞時感到憤怒，

that rage is a signpost, perhaps, that you value equity and fairness --

那憤怒是一個路標，

and an opportunity to take active steps

或許你重視公平和公正，

to shape your life in that direction.

它是指向可以採取一些積極的措施，

When we are open to the difficult emotions,

能在那個方向塑造你的生活的機會。

we are able to generate responses that are values-aligned.

當我們面對困難的情緒時，

But there's an important caveat.

我們能夠產生與價值對等的回應。

Emotions are data, they are not directives.

但是有一個重要的警告。

We can show up to and mine our emotions for their values

情緒是數據，它們不是指令。

without needing to listen to them.

我們可以挖掘和顯示情感的價值

Just like I can show up to my son in his frustration with his baby sister --

而不需要聽從它們。

but not endorse his idea that he gets to give her away

就好像是我可以在我兒子

to the first stranger he sees in a shopping mall.

因為他的小妹妹而受挫時 出現並陪伴他，

(Laughter)

但我不贊成他的想法，

We own our emotions, they don't own us.

把妹妹送給在商場看到的 第一個陌生人。

When we internalize the difference between how I feel in all my wisdom

（笑聲）

and what I do in a values-aligned action,

我們是情緒的主人， 情緒不是我們的主人，

we generate the pathway to our best selves

當我們的智慧與內在的感受調合，

via our emotions.

我所做出的行動與價值觀一致時，

So, what does this look like in practice?

我們創造了通往最佳自我的途徑，

When you feel a strong, tough emotion,

通過我們的情緒。

don't race for the emotional exits.

那麼，實踐生活是怎麼一回事？

Learn its contours, show up to the journal of your hearts.

當你感到強烈和僵化的情緒時，

What is the emotion telling you?

不要快速地為情感找出口。

And try not to say "I am," as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."

先從心中的日記觸摸情感的輪廓。

When you say "I am"

哪些是感情告訴你的？

it makes you sound as if you are the emotion.

盡量不要對「我很生氣」 或「我很傷心」回應「我就是」。