It's about disillusionment.

我的故事跟戰爭有點相關。

It's about death.

是有關於夢想破滅。

And it's about rediscovering

有關於死亡。

idealism

也跟在破敗的環境中

in all of that wreckage.

尋找理想

And perhaps also, there's a lesson

有些關聯。

about how to deal with

也許，今天的這場演講

our screwed-up, fragmenting

是有關於如何應付

and dangerous world of the 21st century.

在21世紀中的危機、

I don't believe in straightforward narratives.

和被我們搞砸的事情。

I don't believe in a life or history

我才不相信單純平順的故事。

written as decision "A" led to consequence "B"

我才不相信在生命裡或歷史裡

led to consequence "C" --

說做決定A就會導致結果B

these neat narratives that we're presented with,

或是結果C，

and that perhaps we encourage in each other.

我們都聽過這種順利樂觀的故事，

I believe in randomness,

或許這能鼓勵我們彼此向前。

and one of the reasons I believe that

但我相信生命是充滿隨機的，

is because me becoming a diplomat was random.

相信的理由是因為

I'm colorblind.

我會成為外交官就是個意外。

I was born unable to see most colors.

我是個色盲。

This is why I wear gray and black most of the time,

我生來就沒辦法看到大部分的色彩。

and I have to take my wife with me

這也就是為什麼我大多都穿著灰色或黑色的衣服，

to chose clothes.

我還必須帶著我老婆

And I'd always wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was a boy.

陪我去買衣服。

I loved watching planes barrel over

當我還小的時候，我總夢想當戰鬥機駕駛員。

our holiday home in the countryside.

我喜歡看著戰鬥機

And it was my boyhood dream to be a fighter pilot.

從我那鄉下的渡假小屋上空飆過的樣子。

And I did the tests in the Royal Air Force to become a pilot,

那就是我想成為戰鬥機駕駛員的原因。

and sure enough, I failed.

我曾經參加英國皇家空軍的駕駛員考試，

I couldn't see all the blinking different lights,

沒意外的，我失敗了。

and I can't distinguish color.

因為我沒辦法辨識不同顏色的閃爍燈光，

So I had to choose another career,

我沒辦法區分顏色。

and this was in fact relatively easy for me,

所以，我必須選擇別的職業，

because I had an abiding passion all the way through my childhood,

事實上，這對我而言就簡單多了，

which was international relations.

因為我從孩童時期，

As a child,

就對於國際關係非常有興趣。

I read the newspaper thoroughly.

當我還小時，

I was fascinated by the Cold War,

我幾乎把報紙都翻爛了。

by the INF negotiations

我深深對冷戰著迷，

over intermediate-range nuclear missiles,

還有銷毀中短程核子飛彈的

the proxy war between the Soviet Union and the U.S.

INF協商會議(Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces)

in Angola or Afghanistan.

還有蘇聯和美國之間

These things really interested me.

在安哥拉或阿富汗的代理人戰爭(proxy war)。

And so I decided quite at an early age

這些事情真的非常吸引我。

I wanted to be a diplomat.

所以我在很年輕的時候

And I, one day, I announced this to my parents --

就決定要當外交官。

and my father denies this story to this day --

所以，某天，我把這件事告訴我的父母，

I said, "Daddy, I want to be a diplomat."

而我父親非常反對，

And he turned to me, and he said,

我說："爸，我想成為外交官"

"Carne, you have to be very clever to be a diplomat."

他面對我，然後說：

(Laughter)

"卡恩，你必須夠聰明才能當外交官阿"

And my ambition was sealed.

(笑)

In 1989,

這讓我更確定了志向。

I entered the British Foreign Service.

1989年，

That year, 5,000 people applied to become a diplomat,

我進入英國外交部工作(British Foreign Service)。

and 20 of us succeeded.

在那年，有5000人申請成為外交官，

And as those numbers suggest,

只有20人錄取。

I was inducted into an elite

這個錄取人數意味著，

and fascinating and exhilarating world.

我被歸納為精英的一份子，

Being a diplomat, then and now,

同時也進入一個迷人且令人振奮的世界。

is an incredible job, and I loved every minute of it --

過去和今日相較，外交官是個超棒的工作，

I enjoyed the status of it.

我超愛在裡面工作的分分秒秒。

I bought myself a nice suit and wore leather-soled shoes

我享受著所有的事件。

and reveled in

我給自己買了件高級西裝，穿著皮鞋

this amazing access I had to world events.

準備陶醉於

I traveled to the Gaza Strip.

我在世界大事裡所能持有的特權。

I headed the Middle East Peace Process section

我曾到過加薩走廊(Gaza Strip)。

in the British Foreign Ministry.

我曾主持英國外交部裡面的

I became a speechwriter

中東和平進程部門。

for the British Foreign Secretary.

我也曾是英國外交祕書室的

I met Yasser Arafat.

對外發言人。

I negotiated

我曾和亞西爾-阿拉法特見過面。(註：巴勒斯坦領袖)

with Saddam's diplomats at the U.N.

我曾在聯合國會議上

Later, I traveled to Kabul

和海珊的外交官談判。

and served in Afghanistan after the fall of the Taliban.

後來，在塔利班倒台之後，

And I would travel

我即前往阿富汗首都--喀布爾服務。

in a C-130 transport

我曾搭乘

and go and visit warlords

C-130軍用運輸機

in mountain hideaways

去跟躲藏在深山

and negotiate with them

的軍事領袖會面，

about how we were going to eradicate Al Qaeda from Afghanistan,

和他們討論有關

surrounded by my Special Forces escort,

如何剷除阿富汗境內的蓋達基地組織，

who, themselves, had to have an escort of a platoon of Royal Marines,

當時有一批特種部隊當我的護衛，

because it was so dangerous.

他們來自英國皇家海軍陸戰隊的一個排，

And that was exciting -- that was fun.

因為當時的情況很危險。

It was really interesting.

這超讓人興奮，太好玩了。

And it's a great cadre of people,

真的很有意思。

incredibly close-knit community of people.

他們是菁英中的菁英，

And the pinnacle of my career, as it turned out,

極度團結的一群人。

was when I was posted to New York.

而最後，我職涯的最頂端

I'd already served in Germany, Norway,

是我被派駐到紐約的時候。

various other places,

在那之前我已經待過德國、挪威，

but I was posted to New York

許多不同的地方，

to serve on the U.N. Security Council for the British delegation.

我被派駐到紐約

And my responsibility was the Middle East,

是以英國代表身分參加聯合國安全理事會。

which was my specialty.

我負責的區域是中東，

And there, I dealt with things

那同時也是我的專精處。

like the Middle East peace process,

我處理的事務有....

the Lockerbie issue --

像是中東和平流程，

we can talk about that later, if you wish --

洛克比事件..(註：Lockerbie issue，發生蘇格蘭南端小鎮的事件)

but above all, my responsibility was Iraq

若各位想聽，我待會再來談這件事

and its weapons of mass destruction

在安理會中，我負責伊拉克的事務

and the sanctions we placed on Iraq

它擁有龐大的毀滅性性武器，

to oblige it to disarm itself of these weapons.

而聯合國決議制裁伊拉克

I was the chief British negotiator

以強迫它自行拆除這些武器。

on the subject,

我成為這個專案裡面的

and I was steeped in the issue.

英國談判代表，

And anyway,

同時我也被這件事情所牽絆。

my tour -- it was kind of a very exciting time.

總而言之，

I mean it was very dramatic diplomacy.

我的人生旅程，是非常刺激的。

We went through several wars

這是非常戲劇性的外交過程。

during my time in New York.

當我在紐約駐守的時候

I negotiated for my country

我們就經歷過了許多戰爭事件。

the resolution in the Security Council

在2001年9月12日的安全理事會

of the 12th of September 2001

我代表英國

condemning the attacks of the day before,

與各國代表協商一份決議，

which were, of course, deeply present to us

內容是譴責在前一天的攻擊行為(註：911事件)，

actually living in New York at the time.

當然，這件事深深影響著

So it was kind of the best of time, worst of times

我當時在紐約的生活情形。

kind of experience.

所以說我在紐約度過了最美好的時光，

I lived the high-life.

也有一些非常糟糕的回憶。

Although I worked very long hours,

我生活品質其實不錯。

I lived in a penthouse in Union Square.

雖然我工作時數很長，

I was a single British diplomat in New York City;

不過我住在聯合廣場附近的閣樓。

you can imagine what that might have meant.

又是個在紐約的單身英國外交官，

(Laughter)

你大概可以想像到我會遭遇怎樣的事情。

I had a good time.

(笑)

But in 2002,

那時候是玩的很開心。

when my tour came to an end,

不過，在2002年，

I decided I wasn't going to go back

當我在紐約的任務即將結束時，

to the job that was waiting for me in London.

我就決定，

I decided to take a sabbatical,

不接受一份在倫敦的工作。

in fact, at the New School, Bruce.

我決定來一次學術性的休假，

In some inchoate, inarticulate way

我在新學院大學(New School)裡修業。

I realized that there was something wrong

有點說不太上來，

with my work, with me.

我感覺到我的工作、我自己本身

I was exhausted,

有些不對勁的地方。

and I was also disillusioned

我累壞了，

in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on.

我突然醒悟了，

And I decided to take some time out from work.

但我沒辦法明確的說出為什麼。

The Foreign Office was very generous.

我決定暫時從工作中抽身。

You could take these special unpaid leave, as they called them,

外交部也非常慷慨。

and yet remain part of the diplomatic service, but not actually do any work.

他們告訴我，我能享有特別的無薪假，

It was nice.

同時還可繼續享有部分的外交人員的權益，但不用作任何工作。

And eventually, I decided

真是令人愉快。

to take a secondment to join the U.N. in Kosovo,

最後，我決定

which was then under U.N. administration.

接下一份臨時調派的任務，

And two things happened in Kosovo,

加入聯合國在關於科索沃事件的管理群。

which kind of, again,

這時候發生了2件事，

shows the randomness of life,

就像剛才所提到的

because these things turned out to be

人生中的隨機性，

two of the pivots of my life

因為這2件事情成為了

and helped to deliver me to the next stage.

改變我生命的支點，

But they were random things.

同時也幫助我思考人生的下一階段。

One was that, in the summer of 2004,

完全出乎我的意料之外。

the British government, somewhat reluctantly,

第一件事，發生在2004年的夏天，

decided to have an official inquiry

英國政府，有點不情願地

into the use of intelligence on WMD

提出一份官方調查

in the run up to the Iraq War,

要調查開啟伊拉克戰爭的緣由，

a very limited subject.

也就是當時關於大規模毀滅性武器的情報，

And I testified to that inquiry in secret.

一個非常機密的內容。

I had been steeped in the intelligence on Iraq

我秘密地為這次調查作證。

and its WMD,

由於我過去對伊拉克的情報非常了解，

and my testimony to the inquiry said three things:

還有它的大規模毀滅性武器，

that the government exaggerated the intelligence,

我在作證時說了3件事情：

which was very clear in all the years I'd read it.

第一，政府過度誇大了情報內容，

And indeed, our own internal assessment was very clear

就從我過去所得知的內容來看。

that Iraq's WMD

老實說，我們內部的調查資料內容非常清楚的指出，

did not pose a threat to its neighbors, let alone to us.

伊拉克持有的"大規模毀滅性武器"

Secondly, the government had ignored all available alternatives to war,

並沒有威脅到週遭鄰國，更不用說我們了。

which in some ways

第二，政府忽略了所有戰爭以外的替代方案，

was a more discreditable thing still.

從某些角度來看

The third reason, I won't go into.

這非常的可恥。

But anyway, I gave that testimony,

第三，我不要加入調查小組。

and that presented me with a crisis.

無論如何，我這次出來作證，

What was I going to do?

就等於是把我自己曝露在危機之下。

This testimony was deeply critical of my colleagues,

而我正在這麼做。

of my ministers, who had, in my view

在我看來這次作證會危害到那些

had perpetrated a war on a falsehood.

為了引起這次戰爭而捏造數據的

And so I was in crisis.

同事和長官。

And this wasn't a pretty thing.

所以我也身處在危機中。

I moaned about it, I hesitated,

這不是什麼好事。

I went on and on and on to my long-suffering wife,

我開始感到悲嘆，也考慮了很久，

and eventually I decided to resign from the British Foreign Service.

我和長期陪著我受苦的妻子討論過後，

I felt -- there's a scene in the Al Pacino movie "The Insider," which you may know,

最後，我決定辭去英國外交部的工作。

where he goes back to CBS

我覺得，這場景就好像艾爾-帕西諾演的電影"驚爆內幕"一樣，

after they've let him down over the tobacco guy,

電影裡，當CBS電視台決定停撥香菸公司內部人員的爆料節目後，

and he goes, "You know, I just can't do this anymore. Something's broken."

男主角回到CBS公司，

And it was like that for me. I love that movie.

說："我幹不下去了，這件事情有問題"。

I felt just something's broken.

這情況跟我很像。我好愛這部電影。

I can't actually sit with my foreign minister

我就是感覺到有點不對勁。

or my prime minister again with a smile on my face

我就是沒辦法再跟外交部長坐在一起，

and do what I used to do gladly for them.

或是再看到總理對著我微笑

So took a running leap

然後做出讓他們開心的事情。

and jumped over the edge of a cliff.

這就好像是準備

And it was a very, very uncomfortable, unpleasant feeling.

要飛躍過懸岩邊緣一樣。

And I started to fall.

非常非常的令人不安，令人不愉快。

And today, that fall hasn't stopped;

我感到非常失落。

I'm still falling.

直到今天，這股失落感還沒停止，

But, in a way, I've got used to the sensation of it.

我仍然處於一個低潮期。

And in a way, I kind of like

不過，一方面來看，我已經漸漸習慣了這種低潮。

the sensation of it a lot better

從另一方面來看，我

than I like actually standing on top of the cliff,

挺喜歡這種感覺，

wondering what to do.

喜歡的程度還勝過那種高高在上、

A second thing happened in Kosovo,

能隨心所欲的時候。

which kind of -- I need a quick gulp of water, forgive me.

第二件事，發生在科索沃，

A second thing happened in Kosovo,

那是一件..我需要喝點水，不好意思。

which kind of delivered the answer,

第二件事，發生在科索沃，

which I couldn't really answer,

是關於追尋一個問題的答案，

which is, "What do I do with my life?"

我真的不知道答案為何，

I love diplomacy --

這問題就是：我這一生到底做了什麼?

I have no career --

我喜歡外交事務。

I expected my entire life to be a diplomat, to be serving my country.

我沒做過其他工作。

I wanted to be an ambassador,

我希望我的一生都做外交官，為我的國家服務。

and my mentors, my heroes,

我希望能成為外交大使，

people who got to the top of my profession,

我的導師，我心目中的英雄，

and here I was throwing it all away.

這些人是我外交職涯中追尋的目標，

A lot of my friends were still in it.

現在我必須捨棄這一切。

My pension was in it.

我有許多朋友在裡面工作。

And I gave it up.

我的退休金還沒領。

And what was I going to do?

而這些我也都放棄了。

And that year, in Kosovo,

所以，那時候發生了什麼事呢?

this terrible, terrible thing happened, which I saw.

就在那年，在科索沃，

In March 2004, there were terrible riots

我遇見了非常非常糟糕的事情。

all over the province -- as it then was -- of Kosovo.

在2004年3月，有場非常恐怖的暴亂

18 people were killed.

發生在科索沃的所有省份，

It was anarchy.

當時有18個人被殺害。

And it's a very horrible thing to see anarchy,

同時進入了無政府狀態。

to know that the police and the military --

在無政府狀態下最可怕的事情，

there were lots of military troops there --

就是看到警察和軍隊....

actually can't stop that rampaging mob

當時還有很多軍隊駐守，

who's coming down the street.

最可怕的，就是他們沒辦法阻止

And the only way that rampaging mob coming down the street will stop

蜂擁到街上的狂亂暴民。

is when they decide to stop

阻止暴民繼續蜂擁到街上的唯一辦法

and when they've had enough burning and killing.

就是等他們覺得燒殺擄掠已經做夠了

And that is not a very nice feeling to see, and I saw it.

他們才會停下來。

And I went through it. I went through those mobs.

這聽起來感覺就不是很好的過程，而我看到了。

And with my Albanian friends, we tried to stop it, but we failed.

我經歷過這一切，我跟暴民接觸過。

And that riot taught me something,

我試著阻止身邊阿爾巴尼亞裔的朋友，但都沒能成功。

which isn't immediately obvious and it's kind of a complicated story.

這場暴亂給了我一個啟示，

But one of the reasons that riot took place --

不是很明顯，同時也是個很複雜的故事。

those riots, which went on for several days, took place --

這場暴動會發生的其中一項原因，

was because the Kosovo people

這場持續好幾天的暴動事件，

were disenfranchised from their own future.

是因為科索沃的人民

There were diplomatic negotiations about the future of Kosovo

認為他們未來的公民權被剝奪了。

going on then,

當時有一場針對科索沃未來的外交協商會議

and the Kosovo government, let alone the Kosovo people,

正在進行，

were not actually

而科索沃的自治政府，

participating in those talks.

根本沒參予到這次的會議，

There was this whole fancy diplomatic system,

更不用說科索沃的人民了。

this negotiation process about the future of Kosovo,

這一整個是感覺自我良好的外交體制，

and the Kosovars weren't part of it.