there was me, and my body.

有一段很長的時間

Me was composed of stories,

這是我和我的身體。

of cravings, of strivings,

我是由渴望, 奮鬥,　以及對未來理想的故事所組成的,

of desires of the future.

我是由渴望, 奮鬥,　以及對未來理想的故事所組成的,

Me was trying

我是由渴望, 奮鬥,　以及對未來理想的故事所組成的,

not to be an outcome of my violent past,

我嘗試

but the separation that had already occurred

不要變成我那暴力的過去的結果,

between me and my body

但那樣的分裂已經存在了

was a pretty significant outcome.

在我和我的身體之間

Me was always trying to become something, somebody.

這是一個很明顯的結果。

Me only existed in the trying.

我常常努力去變成一些事, 一些人。

My body was often in the way.

我只存在於在嘗試。

Me was a floating head.

我的身體總障礙著我。

For years, I actually only wore hats.

我只是一個飄浮著的頭。

It was a way of keeping my head attached.

許多年來, 我著實的只戴帽子。

It was a way of locating myself.

因為這樣才可以讓我的頭黏著我的身體。

I worried that [if] I took my hat off

讓我知道我身在何處。

I wouldn't be here anymore.

我擔心要是我把帽子除下來

I actually had a therapist who once said to me,

我便不再在這裡了。

"Eve, you've been coming here for two years,

曾經有一個治療師告訴我,

and, to be honest, it never occurred to me that you had a body."

「Eve, 你已經來這裡兩年了,

All this time I lived in the city

老實說, 你對我來說, 好像從來不曾有一個身體。」

because, to be honest,

許多時候我住在城市,

I was afraid of trees.

因為, 坦白的,

I never had babies

我很害怕樹,

because heads cannot give birth.

我從沒有孩子

Babies actually don't come out of your mouth.

因為頭腦不能生產孩子。

As I had no reference point for my body,

嬰兒不會從我的口中走出來。

I began to ask other women about their bodies --

因為我對自己的身體全沒有任何的參考點,

in particular, their vaginas,

我便開始去問別的女人關於她們的身體---

because I thought vaginas were kind of important.

尤其是, 她們的陰道,

This led to me writing "The Vagina Monologues,"

因為我想陰道應該是很重要的。

which led to me obsessively and incessantly

這讓我寫成了『陰道獨白』

talking about vaginas everywhere I could.

這也讓我不能自控的不懈地

I did this in front of many strangers.

到處去講關於陰道的故事。

One night on stage,

我在許多陌生人面前講。

I actually entered my vagina.

有一個晚在台上，

It was an ecstatic experience.

我真的, 進入了自己的陰道。

It scared me, it energized me,

這是一個十分狂喜的經驗。

and then I became a driven person,

這嚇壞了我, 也激勵了我，

a driven vagina.

接著, 我變成了一個被驅使的人，

I began to see my body like a thing,

一個被驅使的陰道。

a thing that could move fast,

我開始看見我的身體, 是一件東西,

like a thing that could accomplish other things,

是一件可以走得很快,

many things, all at once.

是一件可以完成其他事情的東西,

I began to see my body like an iPad or a car.

可以做很多事, 同一時候之內。

I would drive it and demand things from it.

我開始看到我的身體好像是ipad 或是一輛汽車。

It had no limits. It was invincible.

我會駕駛它, 會要求它。

It was to be conquered and mastered like the Earth herself.

它是沒有限制的, 它是不會被打敗的。

I didn't heed it;

它就好像是大地一樣, 可以被征服和操控的。

no, I organized it and I directed it.

我沒有關心它；

I didn't have patience for my body;

不, 我組織了它, 我指揮它。

I snapped it into shape.

我對我的身體沒有多少忍耐；

I was greedy.

我把它塑成我理想的模樣。

I took more than my body had to offer.

我很貪心。

If I was tired, I drank more espressos.

我想從我身體取得的, 多於它可以付出的。

If I was afraid, I went to more dangerous places.

如果我累了, 我喝更多的濃烈咖啡。

Oh sure, sure, I had moments of appreciation of my body,

如果我害怕, 我去更多危險的地方。

the way an abusive parent

噢, 對了, 我也有一些欣賞自己身體的時刻，

can sometimes have a moment of kindness.

就好像那個虐兒的父母

My father was really kind to me

也有一點點仁慈的時刻。

on my 16th birthday, for example.

我的爸爸曾經對我很好

I heard people murmur from time to time

好像在我十六歲的生日那天,

that I should love my body,

我聽過身邊很多人嚕囌過我

so I learned how to do this.

要好好愛惜自己的身體，

I was a vegetarian, I was sober, I didn't smoke.

所以我學習到怎樣做。

But all that was just a more sophisticated way

我是一個素食者, 我不酗酒, 我不吸煙。

to manipulate my body --

但這都只是更成熟的方法來

a further disassociation,

操控我的身體–––

like planting a vegetable field on a freeway.

一種更大的抽離狀態，

As a result of me talking so much about my vagina,

就好像在高速公路上種菜田。

many women started to tell me about theirs --

最後, 由於我說得太多關於陰道，

their stories about their bodies.

很多女人開始告訴我關於她們的 ––

Actually, these stories compelled me around the world,

身體的故事。

and I've been to over 60 countries.

事實上, 這些故事驅使我走到全世界，

I heard thousands of stories,

我去過超過六十個國家。

and I have to tell you, there was always this moment

我聽過上千的故事。

where the women shared with me

但我要說, 那些女士通常是在這樣的

that particular moment when she separated from her body --

環境開始跟我分享她們的故事

when she left home.

這個她跟身體分離的特別時刻 ––

I heard about women being molested in their beds,

當她離開家庭。

flogged in their burqas,

我聽到女人在床上被侵犯，

left for dead in parking lots,

身穿著罩袍被鞭打，

acid burned in their kitchens.

在停車場被棄置死亡，

Some women became quiet and disappeared.

在廚房中給腐蝕性液體燒傷。

Other women became mad, driven machines like me.

有些女人失踪了, 或是變得沉默了。

In the middle of my traveling,

其他的女人變得精神失常, 或是我像一樣變成一台被駕駛的機器。

I turned 40 and I began to hate my body,

在我的旅途中間，

which was actually progress,

我到了四十歲, 我開始會討厭自己的身體，

because at least my body existed enough to hate it.

這也是一種進步，

Well my stomach -- it was my stomach I hated.

因為最少我確認了身體的存在, 我才懂得去討厭它。

It was proof that I had not measured up,

對, 是我的肚子, 我討厭我的肚子。

that I was old and not fabulous and not perfect

這證明我，

or able to fit into the predetermined corporate image in shape.

已經老了, 不够好, 不够完美

My stomach was proof that I had failed,

或是不能够迎合目前那些既定的社會標準形態。

that it had failed me, that it was broken.

我的肚子証明我的失敗，

My life became about getting rid of it and obsessing about getting rid of it.

是它讓我失敗, 形同它是一件爛貨。

In fact, it became so extreme

我的人生變得我只想著怎樣可以弄走我的肚子，

I wrote a play about it.

事實上, 它變得太過了

But the more I talked about it,

我只寫過一齣關於它的劇本。

the more objectified and fragmented my body became.

但當我愈是談論它愈多，

It became entertainment; it became a new kind of commodity,

我的身體便會變得更加分割和被物化。

something I was selling.

它變成了一個玩賞產物, 一種新出品的貨物，

Then I went somewhere else.

一些我用來賣出去的東西。

I went outside

跟著, 我走到其他地方。

what I thought I knew.

我走出去

I went to the Democratic Republic of Congo.

一些我以為我知道地方。

And I heard stories

我走到剛果民主共和國。

that shattered all the other stories.

我聽到許多

I heard stories

比其他更令人震驚的故事。

that got inside my body.

我聽到那些

I heard about a little girl

走進我身體裡的故事。

who couldn't stop peeing on herself

我聽到一個小女孩

because so many grown soldiers

她不停的對著自己撒尿

had shoved themselves inside her.

因為有許多成年的士兵

I heard an 80-year-old woman

硬把自己塞進她體內。

whose legs were broken and pulled out of her sockets

我聽到一個八十歲的婦人

and twisted up on her head

她被脫掉襪子, 雙腿被弄斷

as the soldiers raped her like that.

並且扭曲到她的頭上來

There are thousands of these stories,

這就是士兵強姦她的情況了。

and many of the women had holes in their bodies --

這裡有數以千計的故事。

holes, fistula --

有許多女人身體內有洞 ––

that were the violation of war --

有洞, 有瘺管

holes in the fabric of their souls.

這是戰爭的侵害 --

These stories saturated my cells and nerves,

她們靈魂裡的傷痕。

and to be honest,

這些故事都充塞了我的細胞和神經。

I stopped sleeping for three years.

以及, 坦白說

All the stories began to bleed together.

我沒有睡去三年了。

The raping of the Earth,

所以這些故事連成一起。

the pillaging of minerals,

對地球的強暴，

the destruction of vaginas --

掠奪礦產，

none of these were separate anymore

對陰道的摧殘

from each other or me.

所有這些事情都變得

Militias were raping six-month-old babies

跟我無分彼此了。

so that countries far away

軍隊強暴六個月的嬰兒

could get access to gold and coltan

於是遙遠的國家

for their iPhones and computers.

便可以得到黃金和礦物

My body had not only become a driven machine,

去做他們的iphone 和電腦。

but it was responsible now

我的身體不只變成了一具被操縱的機器，

for destroying other women's bodies

但它現在也需要為

in its mad quest to make more machines

摧毀其他女性身體而負責任

to support the speed and efficiency of my machine.

我會用更多的機器去讓我身體

Then I got cancer --

的機器運作得更快更有效, 這真是一個瘋狂的要求。

or I found out I had cancer.

於是, 我得了癌症了

It arrived like a speeding bird

或是, 我發現了我患癌了

smashing into a windowpane.

我好像一只飛行著的小鳥

Suddenly, I had a body,

盲目的在撞到窗口上變得粉碎了。

a body that was pricked

突然之間, 我有一個身體了，

and poked and punctured,

一個可以刺開，

a body that was cut wide open,

戳和刺破的身體，

a body that had organs removed

一個可以切開，

and transported and rearranged and reconstructed,

可以把器官拿走

a body that was scanned

然後移殖, 重新調配, 重新再做的身體，

and had tubes shoved down it,

一個可以被掃描的身體

a body that was burning from chemicals.

被一條導管插進去，

Cancer exploded

一個被化學品燃燒的身體。

the wall of my disconnection.

這是, 癌症炸開了

I suddenly understood that the crisis in my body

我那被隔絕的牆。

was the crisis in the world,

我突然之間明白我身體裡的危機

and it wasn't happening later,

也是這個世界的危機,

it was happening now.

它並不是稍後才發生,

Suddenly, my cancer was a cancer that was everywhere,

它是現在正在發生的。

the cancer of cruelty, the cancer of greed,

突然間, 我的癌症也是到處的癌症，

the cancer that gets inside people

殘忌的癌症, 貪婪的癌症,

who live down the streets from chemical plants -- and they're usually poor --

那是在人心中的癌症

the cancer inside the coal miner's lungs,

那些住在街邊的人由化學植物而來的癌症---他們通常都很貧窮 --

the cancer of stress for not achieving enough,

那些在媒礦工人的肺部中的癌症，

the cancer of buried trauma,

那些因為永遠得不足够的癌症，

the cancer in caged chickens and polluted fish,

那些因埋葬了 的創傷而來的癌症，

the cancer in women's uteruses from being raped,

那些關在籠子裡的小雞和受汚染的魚的癌症，

the cancer that is everywhere from our carelessness.

那些在女性子宮因被強姦而來的癌症，

In his new and visionary book,

癌症就是存在在每一個我們不小心的地方裡。

"New Self, New World,"

在這本有遠景, 新出版的書中，

the writer Philip Shepherd says,

『新的我, 新的世界』

"If you are divided from your body,

作者 Philip Shepherd 說，

you are also divided from the body of the world,

「假如你跟你的身體分離，

which then appears to be other than you

那你也同時跟世界分離，

or separate from you,

這個變成了另一個你

rather than the living continuum

或是由你而分出來，

to which you belong."

多過是一個屬於你的

Before cancer,

整體有生命的人。」

the world was something other.

在生癌之前，

It was as if I was living in a stagnant pool

世界像一些別的。

and cancer dynamited the boulder

就好像我生存在一個靜止的湖塘

that was separating me from the larger sea.

而癌症就炸開了那個

Now I am swimming in it.

分隔和我大海的巨石。

Now I lay down in the grass

現在, 我在當中游泳。™

and I rub my body in it,

我躺在草地上

and I love the mud on my legs and feet.

讓小草擦著身體，

Now I make a daily pilgrimage

我也喜歡那些泥土沾滿了我的大腿和腳。

to visit a particular weeping willow by the Seine,

我現在每天都做靈修

and I hunger for the green fields

去看 看那些塞納河邊的垂柳，

in the bush outside Bukavu.

我為在布卡武樹林的

And when it rains hard rain,

的綠色草地而興奮。

I scream and I run in circles.

當下著大雨的時候，

I know that everything is connected,

我來回奔跑著呼叫。

and the scar that runs the length of my torso

我知道萬事萬物都是相連的,

is the markings of the earthquake.

那個留在我身上疤痕

And I am there with the three million in the streets of Port-au-Prince.

就是地震的印記。

And the fire that burned in me

以及, 我跟三百萬人在太子港的街上。

on day three through six of chemo

那燃燒著我的烈火

is the fire that is burning

在第三至第六天的化療

in the forests of the world.

就是那在世界的森林

I know that the abscess

燃燒著我的烈火。

that grew around my wound after the operation,

我知道那膿腫

the 16 ounces of puss,

手術後我在的傷口上生長著,

is the contaminated Gulf of Mexico,

那十六安士的重物,

and there were oil-drenched pelicans inside me

就是那個汚染了的墨西哥港灣

and dead floating fish.

那裡有被石油汚染的塘鵝在我裡面

And the catheters they shoved into me without proper medication

以及浮著的死魚。

made me scream out

那些插進我體內的導管, 卻沒有合適的藥物

the way the Earth cries out from the drilling.

令我痛得大叫

In my second chemo,

就像地球被鑽時的呼喊聲一樣。

my mother got very sick

在 我第二次的化療之中

and I went to see her.

我的母親病了

And in the name of connectedness,

我走去看她

the only thing she wanted before she died

在連繫的名義之中

was to be brought home

她在死前唯一希望的事情

by her beloved Gulf of Mexico.

就是把她帶回家

So we brought her home,

在她至愛的墨西哥海灣。

and I prayed that the oil wouldn't wash up on her beach

所以, 我帶她回家,

before she died.

以及祈禱在她死前, 那些油汚沒有汚染她的海灘

And gratefully, it didn't.

那些油汚沒有汚染她的海灘

And she died quietly in her favorite place.

很感恩的, 它沒有。

And a few weeks later, I was in New Orleans,

而她, 在她喜歡的地方裡平靜地死去。

and this beautiful, spiritual friend

數星期之後, 我在新奧良爾,

told me she wanted to do a healing for me.

那裡有個很有漂亮的, 很有靈性的朋友

And I was honored.

告訴我, 她想給我治療。

And I went to her house, and it was morning,

我感到十分榮幸。

and the morning New Orleans sun was filtering through the curtains.

我去了她的家裡, 這是一個早晨,

And my friend was preparing this big bowl,

那個早上, 新奧良爾的太陽穿透了那些窗簾。

and I said, "What is it?"

我的朋友準備了一個大碗,

And she said, "It's for you.

我問: 「這是什麼？」

The flowers make it beautiful,

她說, 「這是給你的，

and the honey makes it sweet."

那些花很漂亮，

And I said, "But what's the water part?"

那些蜜糖很甜。」

And in the name of connectedness,

我問: 那些水代表什麼

she said, "Oh, it's the Gulf of Mexico."

在這連繫的名字之中

And I said, "Of course it is."

她說, 「這是墨西哥港灣」

And the other women arrived and they sat in a circle,

我說: 「當然它是的。」

and Michaela bathed my head with the sacred water.

其他的女性走進來, 她們圍坐成一個圓,

And she sang -- I mean her whole body sang.

Michaela 用那些聖水用洗我的頭。

And the other women sang

她唱---我是說, 她用整個身體來唱歌。

and they prayed for me and my mother.

其他婦女也一起和唱

And as the warm Gulf washed over my naked head,

他們都為我和媽媽祈禱。

I realized that it held

並用那個温暖的港灣清洗我那秃頭

the best and the worst of us.

我才發現, 它有著

It was the greed and recklessness

我們最好和最壞的東西。

that led to the drilling explosion.

它是貪婪和輕妄

It was all the lies that got told

這可能帶來爆炸的災難。

before and after.

它會說出所有的謊言

It was the honey in the water that made it sweet,

在這之前和之後。