in front of all these people?

你站在舞臺上

(Laughter)

這麼多人面前做什麼？

Run!

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

快跑！

Run now.

（笑聲）

That's the voice of my anxiety talking.

馬上跑。

Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong,

那是我的焦慮在說話。

I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom,

即使沒出任何差錯，

like danger is lurking just around the corner.

有時候這種末日感 還是會向我襲捲而來，

You see, a few years ago,

就像危險就潛藏在角落。

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety

幾年前，

and depression --

我被診斷出廣泛性焦慮

two conditions that often go hand in hand.

和憂鬱症──

Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody,

時常同時出現的兩種病症。

especially not in front of a big audience.

有段時間我會瞞著大家，

As a black woman,

更不可能跟一大群觀眾說。

I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed.

身為黑人女性，

And like most people in my community,

我必須培養強大的韌性才能成功。

I had the misconception that depression was a sign of weakness,

像我社群裡大多數人一樣，

a character flaw.

我對憂鬱症有種迷思， 覺得那是弱者的象徵，

But I wasn't weak;

是種缺陷。

I was a high achiever.

但我不是弱者，

I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies

我很成功。

and had a string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries.

我有媒體研究學的碩士學位，

I'd even won two Emmy Awards for my hard work.

在電影電視工業有一長串傲人經歷。

Sure, I was totally spent,

我的作品還拿過兩次艾美獎。

I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy,

當然，我被榨乾，

barely ate,

以前享受其中的事現在都沒興趣，

struggled with insomnia

我吃很少，

and felt isolated and depleted.

受失眠所苦，

But depressed?

覺得孤立、耗竭。

No, not me.

憂鬱症？

It took weeks before I could admit it,

我才沒有。

but the doctor was right:

我花了幾個星期才承認，

I was depressed.

不過醫生說的對，

Still, I didn't tell anybody about my diagnosis.

我很憂鬱。

I was too ashamed.

但我還是沒跟任何人說我有憂鬱症。

I didn't think I had the right to be depressed.

我覺得太丟臉了。

I had a privileged life

我覺得自己沒有權利生病。

with a loving family and a successful career.

我有優越的人生，

And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors

家庭美滿，事業有成。

that my ancestors had been through in this country

只要我一想到祖先

so that I could have it better,

曾在這個國家承受過 難以言喻的恐懼，

my shame grew even deeper.

讓我有比較好的人生，

I was standing on their shoulders.

就讓我更加自慚形穢。

How could I let them down?

我站在他們的肩膀上，

I would hold my head up,

怎能讓他們失望？

put a smile on my face

我要擡頭挺胸，

and never tell a soul.

面帶微笑，

On July 4, 2013,

不跟任何人說。

my world came crashing in on me.

2013 年 7 月 4 日，

That was the day I got a phone call from my mom

發生了一件事，重重打擊了我。

telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul, had ended his life,

那天我媽打電話跟我說，

after years of battling depression and anxiety.

我 22 歲的姪子保羅自殺了，

There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt.

他辛苦對抗憂鬱症和焦慮好幾年。

Paul and I were very close,

我的挫折感難以用言語形容。

but I had no idea he was in so much pain.

保羅和我以前很要好，

Neither one of us had ever talked to the other about our struggles.

但是我完全沒感覺到他這麼痛苦。

The shame and stigma kept us both silent.

我們都沒跟別人說過自己的苦。

Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on,

羞恥和污名讓我們保持沉默。

so I spent the next two years researching depression and anxiety,

我處理困境的方式是直接面對，

and what I found was mind-blowing.

所以我花了兩年研究憂鬱和焦慮，

The World Health Organization reports

我的發現讓我大開眼界。

that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability

世界衛生組織報告顯示

in the world.

憂鬱症是造成全世界 生病和失能的主要因素，

While the exact cause of depression isn't clear,

引發憂鬱症的原因不明，

research suggests that most mental disorders develop,

研究指出大多數 引起精神疾病的原因，

at least in part,

至少有部分

because of a chemical imbalance in the brain,

是因為腦部化學物質失衡，

and/or an underlying genetic predisposition.

也有可能來自遺傳。

So you can't just shake it off.

所以你不能拍拍肩膀就甩掉。

For black Americans,

對黑人女性來說，

stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities

壓力源像是種族歧視、 社經地位不均，

put them at a 20 percent greater risk of developing a mental disorder,

讓她們有多出 20% 的機率 罹患精神疾病，

yet they seek mental health services

然而尋求心理諮詢的比例

at about half the rate of white Americans.

大概只有美國白人的一半。

One reason is the stigma,

原因之一是污名化，

with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness.

有 63% 黑人女性 誤認憂鬱是軟弱的象徵。

Sadly, the suicide rate among black children

遺憾的是，黑人孩童自殺率

has doubled in the past 20 years.

在過去 20 年間成長了一倍。

Now, here's the good news:

好消息是，

seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve

70% 憂鬱症患者的情況會好轉，

with therapy, treatment and medication.

只要他們有接受治療和吃藥。

Armed with this information,

有了這項資訊之後，

I made a decision:

我決定

I wasn't going to be silent anymore.

不再保持沉默。

With my family's blessing,

帶著家人的祝福，

I would share our story

我和大家分享我們的故事，

in hopes of sparking a national conversation.

希望能帶動全國討論。

A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said,

我的朋友凱莉．皮耶赫．路易斯說：

"Being strong is killing us."

「當個強者會讓我們沒命。」

She's right.

她說得對。

We have got to retire those tired, old narratives

我們已經厭倦那些陳腔爛調，

of the strong black woman

像是堅強的女黑人，

and the super-masculine black man,

超有男人味的黑人，

who, no matter how many times they get knocked down,

他們不管被打倒幾次，

just shake it off and soldier on.

只要甩開挫敗，就能繼續撐下去。

Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness.

有感覺不代表軟弱。

Feelings mean we're human.

有感覺代表我們是人。

And when we deny our humanity,

一旦我們否認自己是人，

it leaves us feeling empty inside,

就會讓自己感到內心空虛，

searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the void.

然後找一些方式 自我療癒來填補空虛。

My drug was high achievement.

我的藥效發揮得很好。

These days, I share my story openly,

這陣子我大方分享我的故事，

and I ask others to share theirs, too.

也請其他人分享自己的故事。

I believe that's what it takes

我相信這可以

to help people who may be suffering in silence

幫助那些沉默受苦的人，

to know that they are not alone

讓他們知道自己不孤單，

and to know that with help,

知道有了幫助，

they can heal.

他們也能痊癒。

Now, I still have my struggles,

我還是有很多痛苦掙扎，

particularly with the anxiety,

有一部分是因為焦慮，

but I'm able to manage it

但是我能夠應付，

through daily mediation, yoga and a relatively healthy diet.

透過每天吃藥、做瑜珈， 和健康一點的飲食。

(Laughter)

（笑聲）

If I feel like things are starting to spiral,

如果我開始覺得事事不順，

I make an appointment to see my therapist,

就和我的治療師約診，

a dynamic black woman named Dawn Armstrong,

她是很活躍的黑人女性， 名叫陶恩．阿姆斯壯，

who has a great sense of humor

她很有幽默感，

and a familiarity that I find comforting.

還有種讓我很舒服的熟悉感。

I will always regret

我常後悔

that I couldn't be there for my nephew.

當年自己沒能陪在姪子身旁。

But my sincerest hope

但是我誠摯地盼望，

is that I can inspire others with the lesson that I've learned.

我可以用自己學到的一課 來鼓舞大家。

Life is beautiful.

生命是美好的。

Sometimes it's messy,

有時候有點混亂，

and it's always unpredictable.

而且總是難以預料。

But it will all be OK

但一切都會沒事，

when you have your support system to help you through it.

只要你有自己的支持系統 來幫助自己度過難關。

I hope that if your burden gets too heavy,

如果你的負擔太重，

you'll ask for a hand, too.

我希望你也能尋求協助。

Thank you.

謝謝！

(Applause)

（掌聲）