I've had several careers in my life,

和大多數人一樣，

and although they've been varied,

我這一生做了很多工作，

my first job set the foundation for all of them.

雖然工作性質很不一樣，

I was a home-birth midwife throughout my 20s.

但我的第一份工作 奠定了往後工作的基礎。

Delivering babies taught me valuable and sometimes surprising things,

我 20 歲的那幾年，從事的是家庭助產士。

like how to start a car at 2am.

接生小孩讓我學會了很多 令人驚嘆的事情，

when it's 10 degrees below zero.

像是如何在凌晨2點

(Laughter)

零下10度時發動車子。

Or how to revive a father who's fainted at the sight of blood.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

或像是如何叫醒一個 看到血就暈倒的爸爸。

Or how to cut the umbilical cord just so,

（笑聲）

to make a beautiful belly button.

或是如何把臍帶剪得剛好，

But those aren't the things that stuck with me or guided me

就為了一個漂亮的肚臍。

when I stopped being a midwife and started other jobs.

但當我不再做助產士，開始其它工作時，

What stuck with me was this bedrock belief

並不是這些事情一直陪伴或是指引我。

that each one of us comes into this world with a unique worth.

一直陪伴我的是這個堅如磐石的信仰：

When I looked into the face of a newborn,

我們每個人都帶著 獨特的意義來到這個世界。

I caught a glimpse of that worthiness,

當我看著新生兒的臉蛋時，

that sense of unapologetic selfhood,

我看見的是那無價、

that unique spark.

天真無邪的

I use the word "soul" to describe that spark,

獨特火花。

because it's the only word in English that comes close to naming

我之所以會用「靈魂」來形容那種火花的原因，

what each baby brought into the room.

是因為靈魂是唯一個可以用來形容

Every newborn was as singular as a snowflake,

新生命初來到世上時的英文字。

a matchless mash-up of biology

每一個新生命如雪花般的非凡，

and ancestry and mystery.

一個融合了生物學、

And then that baby grows up,

血統和神秘的無價小生命。

and in order to fit into the family,

然後寶寶長大了，

to conform to the culture,

為了融入家庭、

to the community, to the gender,

順應文化，

that little one begins to cover its soul,

順應社區，順應性別角色，

layer by layer.

這個小生命會開始

We're born this way,

一層一層地覆蓋上靈魂，

but --

我們都是這樣長大的，

(Laughter)

但...

But as we grow, a lot of things happen to us

（笑聲）

that make us ...

長大後，我們發生了很多事，

want to hide our soulful eccentricities and authenticity.

讓我們...

We've all done this.

想隱藏我們搞怪卻又真實的靈魂。

Everyone in this room is a former baby --

我們都有這樣做過。

(Laughter)

這個房間裡的每個人都曾是嬰兒——

with a distinctive birthright.

（笑聲）

But as adults, we spend so much of our time uncomfortable in our own skin,

有著與眾不同的天賦。

like we have ADD: authenticity deficit disorder.

但身為成年人的我們，我們在這層皮囊下， 多數時間都過得不如意，

But not those babies --

彷彿我們有ADD：真實性缺陷障礙症。

not yet.

但那些嬰兒——

Their message to me was:

還沒有。

uncover your soul

他們給我的信息是：

and look for that soul-spark

敞開你的靈魂

in everyone else.

並尋找每個人的

It's still there.

靈魂火花，

And here's what I learned from laboring women.

它依然存在每個人心中。

Their message was about staying open,

我從產婦那裏學到：

even when things are painful.

她們的訊息告訴我，要保持樂觀開放，

A woman's cervix normally looks like this.

即使相當痛苦。

It's a tight little muscle

通常，女人的子宮頸看起來就像這樣，

at the base of the uterus.

牠是子宮底部

And during labor, it has to stretch from this

一塊緊緻的小肌肉，

to this.

而當在分娩時，洞會從這麼大，

Ouch!

擴張大這麼大。

If you fight against that pain,

痛啊！

you just create more pain,

如果你與疼痛抗爭

and you block what wants to be born.

你只會更痛，

I'll never forget the magic that would happen

你只會堵住了那躍躍欲出的生命。

when a woman stopped resisting the pain

我永遠忘不了奇蹟發生的那一刻，

and opened.

當產婦停止對痛苦的抵抗，

It was as if the forces of the universe took notice

並張開子宮口時，

and sent in a wave of help.

彷彿宇宙的力量聽到了我們的呼喚，

I never forgot that message,

並幫忙推了一把。

and now, when difficult or painful things happen to me

我永遠忘不了那訊息，

in my life or my work,

現在，當我在生活或工作中

of course at first I resist them,

遇到困境時，

but then I remember what I learned from the mothers:

一開始我當然會抵抗，

stay open.

但之後我就會回想到 從媽媽們那邊學到的：

Stay curious.

保持開放、

Ask the pain what it's come to deliver.

保持好奇。

Something new wants to be born.

詢問這個痛苦是要傳遞甚麼訊息給我，

And there was one more big soulful lesson,

有甚麼新事物要到來。

and that one I learned from Albert Einstein.

還有更重要的一堂靈魂課程，

He wasn't at any of the births, but --

我是從愛因斯坦那邊學到的。

(Laughter)

他是不懂接生啦，但...

It was a lesson about time.

（笑聲）

At the end of his life, Albert Einstein concluded

這是一堂與時間有關的課程。

that our normal, hamster-wheel experience of life

在愛因斯坦去世前，他總結出，

is an illusion.

我們如倉鼠般平凡忙碌的生活，

We run round and round, faster and faster,

是一種幻覺。

trying to get somewhere.

我們不停的奔跑，越跑越快，

And all the while,

嘗試著想到達某一個地方，

underneath surface time is this whole other dimension

但回頭一看，

where the past and the present and the future merge

在時間表像的背後，是另一個維度，

and become deep time.

是一個過去、現在與未來的結合體，

And there's nowhere to get to.

它們變成深度時光，

Albert Einstein called this state, this dimension,

到了那個境界，你哪都不用去了。

"only being."

愛因斯坦稱這種狀態，這種維度為：

And he said when he experienced it,

「原生 」

he knew sacred awe.

他說，當他切身體會到 「原生」時，

When I was delivering babies,

他感受到無比神聖的敬畏。

I was forced off the hamster wheel.

當我在接生嬰兒時，

Sometimes I had to sit for days, hours and hours,

我被迫脫離忙碌的生活。

just breathing with the parents;

有時候得坐上好幾個小時乃至好幾天，

just being.

僅為了與父母親們一起偋住呼吸；

And I got a big dose of sacred awe.

迎接「原生」的到來。

So those are the three lessons I took with me from midwifery.

這時我就會感受到 無比的神聖敬畏。

One: uncover your soul.

所以，這些就是一直陪伴著我 的三堂助產士課程。

Two: when things get difficult or painful, try to stay open.

一：敞開你的靈魂。

And three: every now and then, step off your hamster wheel

二：當事情變得困難或痛苦時， 盡量保持開放。

into deep time.

三：無論何時，盡快脫離倉鼠式的忙碌生活，

Those lessons have served me throughout my life,

進入深度時光。

but they really served me recently,

這些課程伴隨了我一生，

when I took on the most important job of my life thus far.

但最近它讓我感受最深的

Two years ago, my younger sister came out of remission

是在我經歷了最重要的人生課程的時候。

from a rare blood cancer,

兩年前，我妹妹

and the only treatment left for her was a bone marrow transplant.

剛從罕見的血癌病症中康復，

And against the odds, we found a match for her,

之後唯一能夠治療她的方法 就只剩骨髓移植。

who turned out to be me.

歷經千辛萬苦， 我們找到了符合她配型的人，

I come from a family of four girls,

結果那個人就是我。

and when my sisters found out that I was my sister's perfect genetic match,

我來自四個女生的家庭

their reaction was, "Really? You?"

當姊妹們發現 我是我妹的最佳配型時，

(Laughter)

她們的反應是，「不會吧？怎麼是你？」

"A perfect match for her?"

（笑聲）

Which is pretty typical for siblings.

「她的最佳配型？」

In a sibling society, there's lots of things.

這是典型親戚的反應。

There's love and there's friendship and there's protection.

親人間，有很多故事。

But there's also jealousy

有愛、有友誼、有保護。

and competition

但也有嫉妒

and rejection and attack.

和競爭

In siblinghood, that's where we start assembling many of those first layers

拒絕和攻擊。

that cover our soul.

在親人關係中，我們開始組成靈魂的層次，

When I discovered I was my sister's match,

這是覆蓋我們靈魂第一層的地方。

I went into research mode.

當我知道我是我妹妹的最佳配型時，

And I discovered that

我進入了研究模式。

the premise of transplants is pretty straightforward.

而我發現

You destroy all the bone marrow in the cancer patient

移植的原理是很直截了當的。

with massive doses of chemotherapy,

你只要破壞癌症患者的所有骨髓

and then you replace that marrow

用大量的化療方式，

with several million healthy marrow cells from a donor.

以數百萬的健康骨髓細胞

And then you do everything you can

替換病患的骨髓即可。

to make sure that those new cells engraft in the patient.

想盡辦法，盡可能的確保

I also learned that bone marrow transplants are fraught with danger.

那些新細胞有植入到患者體內。

If my sister made it through the near-lethal chemotherapy,

我也了解到骨髓移植充滿了危險。

she still would face other challenges.

如果我妹度過了 幾近死亡的化療過程，

My cells

她仍然有其它的挑戰需克服。

might attack her body.

我的細胞

And her body might reject my cells.

可能會攻擊她的身體。

They call this rejection or attack,

而她的身體可能會拒絕我的細胞。

and both could kill her.

他們稱之為排斥或攻擊，

Rejection. Attack.

這兩種狀況都可能致死。

Those words had a familiar ring

拒絕，攻擊。

in the context of being siblings.

這些字眼，在親人圈裡，

My sister and I had a long history of love,

是相當司空見慣的。

but we also had a long history of rejection and attack,

我妹和我有一段很長的友愛歷史，

from minor misunderstandings to bigger betrayals.

但我們也有長期互看不爽 和攻擊對方的歷史，

We didn't have the kind of the relationship

從小小的誤解到重大的背叛。

where we talked about the deeper stuff;

我們當時根本談不上甚麼

but, like many siblings and like people in all kinds of relationships,

更深層的東西；

we were hesitant to tell our truths,

但，就像很多親人和 其他處與各種關係的人們一樣，

to reveal our wounds,

彼此之間不好意思說出實話、

to admit our wrongdoings.

很難互相傾訴痛苦、

But when I learned about the dangers of rejection or attack,

不願承認犯過的錯誤。

I thought, it's time to change this.

但當我了解拒絕或攻擊的危險時，

What if we left the bone marrow transplant up to the doctors,

我在想，是時候要改變了。

but did something that we later came to call our "soul marrow transplant?"

要是我們就讓醫生做骨髓移植手術，

What if we faced any pain we had caused each other,

我們彼此做「靈魂的骨髓移植手術」？

and instead of rejection or attack,

要是我們可以坦然面對 造成對方受傷的事情，

could we listen?

而不是拒絕或攻擊，

Could we forgive?

我們可以互相傾聽嗎？

Could we merge?

我們可以原諒彼此嗎？

Would that teach our cells to do the same?

我們可以再度結合嗎？

To woo my skeptical sister, I turned to my parents' holy text:

這可以讓我們的細胞也做同樣的事嗎？

the New Yorker Magazine.

為了博取瘦骨如柴妹妹的歡心， 我找上了爸媽拜讀的聖經：

(Laughter)

《紐約人雜誌》

I sent her a cartoon from its pages

（笑聲）

as a way of explaining why we should visit a therapist

我傳送了一張裡面的照片給她，

before having my bone marrow harvested and transplanted into her body.

在收成並移植我的骨髓到她身體裡面之前，

Here it is.

解釋了一下我們為什麼要去找醫生治療。

"I have never forgiven him for that thing I made up in my head."

就是這一張。

(Laughter)

我永遠不會原諒他那件 我自己腦袋瞎掰出來的事。

I told my sister

（笑聲）

we had probably been doing the same thing,

我告訴我的妹妹

carting around made-up stories in our heads that kept us separate.

我們可能彼此做了同樣的事情，

And I told her that after the transplant,

腦海陷入在虛構故事的泥沼裡， 讓彼此斷絕關係。

all of the blood flowing in her veins

我告訴她骨髓移植之後，

would be my blood,

所有流動在她靜脈的血液

made from my marrow cells,

將會是從我的骨髓細胞中

and that inside the nucleus of each of those cells

製造出來的血，

is a complete set of my DNA.

而這些細胞裡的細胞核

"I will be swimming around in you for the rest of your life,"

都是由我的 DNA 所組成。

I told my slightly horrified sister.

我向我那有點嚇壞的妹妹說，

(Laughter)

「在你的餘生，我會在你體內游來游去」。

"I think we better clean up our relationship."

（笑聲）

A health crisis makes people do all sorts of risky things,

我想我們最好整理一下我們的關係。

like quitting a job or jumping out of an airplane

嚴重的健康問題， 可以讓人做出任何冒險的決定，

and, in the case of my sister,

像是辭職或是從飛機上跳下來，

saying "yes" to several therapy sessions,

而以我妹妹的案例而言，

during which we got down to the marrow.

她在骨髓移植期間的

We looked at and released years of stories

一些治療階段，只能說「好」。

and assumptions about each other

我們回顧並互相坦白這幾年來發生的事、

and blame and shame

彼此間的臆測、責備、

until all that was left was love.

羞辱，

People have said I was brave to undergo the bone marrow harvest,

直到剩下愛。

but I don't think so.

大家說我很勇敢，有勇氣去 動骨髓移植的手術，

What felt brave to me

但我不這麼認為。

was that other kind of harvest and transplant,

讓我有勇氣的是

the soul marrow transplant,

另一種移植，

getting emotionally naked with another human being,

一種與另一個人坦白彼此情感的

putting aside pride and defensiveness,

靈魂骨髓移植，

lifting the layers

一種放下自尊心和防禦心，

and sharing with each other our vulnerable souls.

昇華到另一種層次的移植，

I called on those midwife lessons:

我們分享彼此脆弱的靈魂。

uncover your soul.

我回顧了從助產士所學到的這些課程：

Open to what's scary and painful.

敞開你的靈魂。

Look for the sacred awe.

對害怕與痛苦保持樂觀開放。

Here I am with my marrow cells after the harvest.

尋找神聖的敬畏。

That's they call it -- "harvest,"

移植之後，我跟我的骨髓細胞拍了張照片。

like it's some kind of bucolic farm-to-table event --

他們說，這是收成，

(Laughter)

有點像把田園菜端上桌的過程——

Which I can assure you it is not.

（笑聲）

And here is my brave, brave sister

但我可以向各位保證，並不是那樣。

receiving my cells.

這張是我勇敢的妹妹，

After the transplant, we began to spend more and more time together.

接收我細胞時的照片。

It was as if we were little girls again.

移植後，我們開始花越來越多的時間在一起。

The past and the present merged.

我們彷彿又回到了小女孩時代。

We entered deep time.

過去與現在融合在一起。

I left the hamster wheel of work and life

我們進入到深度時光。

to join my sister

我離開了倉鼠式的工作與生活，

on that lonely island

來幫助妹妹，

of illness and healing.

一起度過疾病和治療的孤單島嶼。

We spent months together --

我們在一起好幾個月——

in the isolation unit,

在隔離病房中，

in the hospital and in her home.

在醫院和在她家中。

Our fast-paced society

我們快速節奏的社會

does not support or even value this kind of work.

並不支持或甚至認為這樣的工作不值。

We see it as a disruption of real life and important work.

我們把它視為真實生活中 或重要工作中的絆腳石。

We worry about the emotional drain and the financial cost --

我們擔心情感的流失及金錢上的損失——

and, yes, there is a financial cost.

的確，是有金錢上的付出。

But I was paid

但我是用一種

in the kind of currency our culture seems to have forgotten all about.

我們文化似乎已經遺忘的金錢來支付的。

I was paid in love.

我是用愛支付的，

I was paid in soul.

我是用靈魂支付的，

I was paid in my sister.

我是用我妹支付的。

My sister said the year after transplant was the best year of her life,

我妹說，在移植後的那一年， 是她生命中最棒的一年，

which was surprising.

她相當開心。

She suffered so much.

她這麼痛苦。

But she said life never tasted as sweet,

但她說，生活再也不會那樣的甜蜜，

and that because of the soul-baring

因為我們彼此

and the truth-telling we had done with each other,

敞開靈魂說實話，

she became more unapologetically herself

她面對每個人時，

with everyone.

變得很自責。

She said things she'd always needed to say.

她說出了她一直想說的話。

She did things she always wanted to do.

她做出了她一直想做的事。