Name: 我媽特別的處罰方式 (My Mom's Cruel and Unusual Punishments)
Uploaded: 2018-05-21T11:31:08.000Z
Duration: 8 min 15 s

s9oMr. James, On Saturday morning at 10:03 AM,

成步堂龍一：詹姆斯先生，在禮拜六上午十點零三分，你被觀察到當時你在給一張恐龍圖片著色，是真的嗎？

動名詞

You were observed to colouring a picture of a dinosaur.

我們可以休西（休息）一下嗎？

成步堂龍一：就算你媽那時一直要你整理玩具，你還是當作耳邊風？

Even though your mom had repeatedly asked to clean up your toys,

成步堂龍一：法官大人，我再無提問

法官：詹姆斯，我特此宣判你禁足十五分鐘

Your Honour, I have no further questions.

小小詹姆斯：我才不要回去禁足哩！！

James, I hereby sentence you to 15 minutes in the time-out corner.

但我認為母親在社會上扮演了舉足輕重的角色。要是沒有媽媽，誰會開車載你去踢足球呢？

誰會告訴我們早餐吃杯子蛋糕不健康？又有誰會指著建築工人，對我們說：

I'm no scientist, but I think moms play a very important role in society.

「這就是為什麼你要接受高等教育，詹姆斯。」

Without moms, who would drive us to FOOTBALL* practice?

Who else would tell us that it's not okay to eat cupcakes for breakfast?

我想除此之外她們還把你生下來並且照顧你

And who else would point at construction workers and say:

只不過，噗～大家都做得到啊！現在，在我開始講我長大的過程之前

Mom: That's why you need to get a college education James.

我要先說個但書，就是我媽是個好媽媽

她很愛我，至少，她曾經愛我。要是你在我十五歲時問我這個問題

Oh and I guess they also give birth to you and take care of you, but like...

「才怪。」比方說，當時我還小，我會跟朋友們聊天

而我們會聊到我們父母，然後他們會說：

Now before I talk about how I was raised,

「對啊我媽准我很晚才睡，而且她還讓我打真正寫實低級的電動耶。」

「我媽才不管我穿的衣服上有沒有骷髏頭，」

「而且她還讓我吃整桶冰淇淋當晚餐呢。」「我媽讓我玩刀子。」

我以前認為他們的媽媽們讓他們玩得很開心，比我媽好太多了

但現在作為一個成年人，我了解到殘酷的真相就是這些小孩的媽媽並沒有比較好

If you asked me when I was 15 if my mom was a great mom,

她們只不過是懶得管他們。我不會說天下的母親都是完美的

一個花很多時間才變成社會上負責任的成員的母親

在「好媽媽清單」的排名上是很高的

Okay,  but like...when I was a little, I'd be talking with my friends,

and we would be talking about our parents and they would say stuff like:

媽我愛妳，而現在我會用妳給我的愛來成為傳奇，並且用它來賺些錢

Brownie: Yeah, my mom lets me stay up till midnight, and let's me play really graphic and vulgar video games.

在我還小，還需要「家長監護」的時代

Blackie: Yeah, my mom doesn't care if I wear clothes with skulls on them.

我媽會帶我跟我雙胞胎姊姊去買東西，而且正如你想的，我們兩個那時很喜歡亂跑去做想做的事

And she let's me eat an entire tub of ice-cream for dinner.

但我媽可是有備而來喔！她會帶兩袋裝了十粒M&M巧克力的袋子，每當我姊或我

行為不好，她就會當著我們的面吃一粒M&M，而且她會確保我們兩個都看到她吃下去

她也不會給我們一點警告！如果我們做任何有一點點壞的事情，她就會說：

And I used to think that their moms were so much cooler, for letting my friends have that much fun.

我想這種管教方法有其心理上的根據，因為M&M是我最喜歡的糖果

I'm not saying every mom out there is perfect.

But a mom who takes the time to make a responsible member of society,

就是躲在百貨公司的圓形衣架裡面

簡直是種超現實的體驗，我非常推薦這麼做。但我媽不喜歡我們玩得這麼開心

And now I'll immortalise and monetise some of that love.

所以她把手伸進裡面試著把我們拖出來。「妳需要什麼嗎？」

When I was younger and still in need of adult supervision,

「哦，沒有啦，我只是在試著把裡面的某個東西抓出來。這裡有一條不錯的皮帶，」

My mom would take me and my twin sister out to run errands with her.

「如果能用它來抽我不守規矩的小孩，」

we were rowdy and wanted to do our own thing.

我小時候被打過屁股，其實沒那麼糟啦

She would bring two plastic baggies filled with 10 M&Ms,

and every time my sister or I misbehaved,

She would eat an M&M right in front of us.

And she made SURE, we saw her eat our M&Ms.

我絕大多數都在逃離我媽的追打

在我很小的時候我媽有做過另外一件事

If we did anything remotely bad, she would say:

轉過來，然後開始「啊啾～」把她手上的水甩到我臉上

我真的很討厭這樣，但我從不說出來

And I think that parenting technique is the psychological reason that M&Ms are my favourite candy bar.

我當時太難過了沒有辦法準確地表達

Something me and my sister really like doing,

她八成會說她不記得那件啊啾的事了，但我還記得...非常清楚。所以為了報復她

was hiding in those circular racks of clothes that they have in department stores,

我用橡皮筋綁住洗盤子的水龍頭，所以當你打開水龍頭時

Being in the middle of one of those racks is such a surreal experience.

它就會直直朝著你噴水。想到這件事，我想起其中一個

But, my mom didn't like when we had fun, so she had to reach out and try and grab us.

每當我兄弟姊妹互相對嗆，或叫對方閉嘴

我們都必須付對方五十美分，這導致一些非常詭異

Oh, no! I'm just trying to get something in the back.

的局面，當有人嗆人時，我們就會很興奮

There's a really nice belt that would be great for

但很多時候我們這些小孩就只是在胡鬧而已

我們並不是有意要罵對方的，所以我們若因此拿了對方的五十美分會感到不舒服

像是有人說：「嘿，詹姆斯，」

I don't remember any specific actions I did that earned a spanking.

「六加六等於多少？」然後我會說：「呃...九啊，你白癡喔。」我媽就會聽到我說的話，然後說：「詹姆斯，」

「你要付五十美分喔！」我姊就覺得這樣不好，所以她就反過來罵我：「詹姆斯，你- 你- 你是個」

Another thing my mom did when I was very little,

was sometimes when she was washing her hands,

這也是為什麼我從不在影片裡罵髒話，但我現在付得起了，那就...（消音）媽，妳這個（消音）

（消音）（消音）（消音）（消音）

It really bothered me, but I never spoke out about it.

她不是「那種人」，但她會用這招威脅我們。而有次我說了一個相當下流的字眼

And one day, I just...couldn't handle it any more and I started crying.

她說：「如果你不管好嘴巴，我就要去拿香皂喔！」然後我說：「我才不管哩，香皂很好吃！」

But I was too sad to articulate how it was really feeling.

「好吧，你這個小淘氣，把這個香皂吃進去，你絕對不敢，沒種的小子。」於是我就咬了一點進嘴裡，然後......

現在竟然有人拍吃香皂的影片（汰漬香皂），我想就是有人永遠學不乖

*still sobbing* were flicking water at me and

其他人的爸媽是不是也會鎖住家用電腦呢？

因為我爸媽就有這麼做，而我當時不知道我家是唯一這麼做的家庭

If you ask about her about this today, she'll say that she doesn't remember doing that sneeze gag ever.

我們讀書讀多久才能玩多久，但幸好

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我媽特別的處罰方式 (My Mom's Cruel and Unusual Punishments)

articulate

grab

deserve

regret