[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]

"Nick Jonas was cute back when he was in the Jonas brothers.

And now, he looks like (LAUGHING) a ferret."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Usher seems like he'll stop in the dead ass middle of sex

because he got chilly."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"P!nk makes music for obnoxious white bridal parties

that drunkenly walk into a Denny's and (LAUGHING)

ruin everyone's evening."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I would have said Waffle House, but whatever.

"Watching Alice Cooper, and all I can think of

is that he looks like a ball sack with face paint on."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Well, that's fair.

"The Lumineers are the musical equivalent to a triple venti

half sweet iced caramel macchiato.

[BLEEP] them and this."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Common is the Pottery Barn of rappers."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] What the [BLEEP] you know about rappers?

"Like honestly, saying Blink-182 is

your favorite band is like saying I'm OK

(LAUGHING) living with herpes."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Used anti-frizz shampoo on my pubes,

and now my penis (LAUGHING) looks like Steve Aoki."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Waterfalls by TLC has to be the worst

song about waterfalls ever."

[INAUDIBLE]

That's-- you know what, that's just

some like natural earth bitch, you know what I'm saying?

That said that.

"Fallout Boy is the Comic Sans MS of music--

they're both (LAUGHING) entirely overused."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Zendaya's skinny A-F. Damn, looking like

a (LAUGHING) whole spaghetti."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

That's awesome!

That's awesome.

"I'd rather be homeless and watch two cats bang in an alley

than to go to a Ludacris concert."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Adam Levine is if a flaccid penis could kind of sing."

Bro.

This is riddled with mistakes.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Niall Horan is ugly.

Good night, everyone."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

"Erykah Badu tits look like [BLEEP]."."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES] I had three babies. - "LOL.

Meghan Trainor looks like that girl my parents would force me

to listen to If I were white."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND GROANING]

"If you're a guy and you're listening

to Depeche Mode, reach into your vagina

and pull your balls back down."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

"I left more talent in my toilet

this morning than Green Day has ever had.

Green Day sucks [BLEEP]."

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

I'm glad that you're thinking about us

while you're taking dumps.

We're doing something right.

We'll think about you while we're sucking [BLEEP]..

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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