Let me tell you something. I've partied, all over the world, and by far, without trying to suck up to you guys,

'Cause I'm scared--

but out of all the places I've been to, in the world, Beirut parties, like you've never seen, before.

They literally party, like there's no tomorrow!

There could, very well be, over there, you know?

And you've never seen chain-smoking, like you-- like, you go to Beirut, you see chain-smoking!

To us, chainsmokers light up a cigarette, finish, throw it on the ground, and start another one.

Lebanon? Three at a time.

One in this hand, one in this hand, and, like, one of those fake blue ones for safety, you know what I mean?

And I'm like, "Dude, aren't you worried about getting cancer?"

[Arabic accent] "I will never die of cancer."

[Normal voice] "Do you have the cure?"

[Arabic accent] "The Yehudis will kill me, well before the cancer can, I don't have to worry about that!"

"Cancer-- AIDS-- No disease, will get me, don't worry!"

I know what the problem is, in the Middle East.

My Arab friends, listen up.

Here's how to start change, over there.

Here's what the first problem is. Arab men--

will never say,

[Arabic accent] "No! I don't know."

They will never say no, and they will never admit, to not knowing something.

It, somehow, emasculates an Arab man, to not know something. It doesn't matter what it is--

if he doesn't know, he'll make up a story.

And he will yell it, at you!

Doesn't matter what you ask him, it could be something as simple as, "Hey uh, do you know how to make a cake?"

[Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."

"Everybody knows how to make cake!"

[Normal voice] "Really? 'Cause I don't know how to make cake."

"Could you show me?"

[Arabic accent] "Yes."

You know how you can tell, when an Arab guy's lying?

He'll start his answer off with,

[Arabic accent] "Okay."

That's the fucking tip-off, when you know he's lying--

right then.

'Cause I'm like, "Really? I don't know how to make a cake. How do you make a cake?"

[Arabic accent] "Okay."

"First, you get cake."

"Then, you make it, for 20 minutes."

"Then, you have cake."

[Normal voice] "Are you sure?"

"Cause I don't think that's how you make cake."

[Yelling in an Arabic accent] "THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE CAKE!"

'THEY HAVE BEEN MAKING CAKE, LIKE THAT, SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME!"

I'm like, "Alright, don't get crazy! I'm just asking."

It's true! It doesn't matter what you ask them. If they don't know, they will make up a story

It's-- and this really happened to me, last year.

I was in Dubai.

I was in Bloomingdale's, the department store. The American department store.

So, clearly, there's a problem with the Jews and the Arabs.

So, I'm in Bloomingdale's-- I'm looking to leave the store. I'm looking for an escalator,

I see a security guy, standing there, I walk up, and I go,

"Hi, is there an escalator in here?"

[Arabic accent] "Yes."

[Normal voice] "Uh, do you know where it is?"

[Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."

[Normal voice] "Do you think you could tell me, where it is?

[Arabic accent] "Yes."

[Normal voice] "Fuckin' tell me then!"

[Arabic accent] "Okay--"

"You go straight, then left, then right."

I have no reason to doubt this guy.

Go straight, then left, then right. So, I go straight--

I go left--

and I go right, into a wall!

There's another guy, working in that part of the store. I go, "Excuse me, is there an escalator, here?" He goes,

[Arabic accent] "Do you see one?"

I go, "No, I don't see one. That's why I'm asking."

[Arabic accent] "Do you think, maybe, they put a wall in front of it?

I go, "I don't know what I think, that's why I'm asking you!"

[Arabic accent] "Why would you think there is an escalator, on this wall?"

[Normal voice] "Cause some guy, that worked here, told me, there was an escalator, here.

[Arabic accent] "Maybe he lied."

[Normal voice] "Who the Hell lies, about an escalator?!"

[Arabic accent] "Apparently that guy."

I go, "Is there an escalator, in your store?!"

[Arabic accent] "Of course! How else you go up and down?"

[Normal voice] "Do you know, where it is?"

[Arabic accent] "I work here!

[Normal voice] "So did that guy!"

"Can you tell me, where it is?"

[Arabic accent] "Yes."

[Yelling in normal voice] "WHERE THE FUCK IS IT?!"

[Arabic accent] "Okay--"

"You have to go back--"

"Then go straight, then left, then right."

I go, "No, no, no, no! That's how I ended up here. Those are the same directions!"

[Arabic accent] Well, that's where it is."

[Normal voice] "Are you sure?"

[Arabic accent] "Why would I lie?

[Normal voice] "Why would that guy lie?!"

[Arabic accent] "That's his problem."

I go, "Okay, thank you."

So, I go back. I walked past the guy, that gave me the bullshit directions.

Now, I'm hoping, as a man, that this guy, is going to continue the lie, for me.

At least, do that, you know? When I say, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there."

I'm hoping this guy's gonna be like,

[Shocked Arabic accent] "What?!"

"It was just there, one hour ago!"

"They moved it?!"

But nothing! I go, "Hey man, there's no escalator, over there."

This guy goes--

That's the problem, in the Middle East.

Arab men, you need to know how to say,

[Arabic accent] "No! I don't know."

Do you realize how much shit could've been avoided?

The Iraq War, would never have happened!

They knew they didn't have weapons of mass destruction!

But when the U.S. asked them, "Do you have weapons of mass destruction?"

[Arabic accent] "Yes, of course."

"Everybody has weapons of mass destruction!"

Even the Iraqi people were like,

[Arabic accent] "What are you doing?! Shut up!"

[North American accent] "Where are they?"

[Arabic accent] "Okay--"

"Go straight, then left, then right."

♪ ♪