♪♪

Welcome back to the Trump News Network,

the only network where you can't turn down the volume

no matter how hard you try.

Let's get to tonight's top story.

My former aide Omarosa's new tell-all memoir came out today,

and you shouldn't believe a single word of it.

It's fake. It's phony.

And worst of all, it's a book.

Can you believe it?

Omarosa calls me a racist and a misogynist.

But that is ridiculous. I am not a racist!

[ Laughter ]

My cabinet is full of African-Americans.

There's Ben Carson...

Anyway.

[ Laughter ]

Kellyanne Conway already addressed this issue perfectly.

Roll the clip.

-Omarosa was the most prominent high-level African-American

serving in the West Wing on President Trump's staff.

Who now is that person?

-African-American? -Yes.

-Uh, you -- We have Ja'Ron,

who's done a fabulous job and very involved.

-Yeah, we have Ja'Ron.

Everyone knows who Ja'Ron is.

He's so involved, I even know his full name.

It's Ja'Ron...James.

[ Laughter ]

That's right. Ja'Ron James.

I know it sounds like LeBron James.

But Ja'Ron is way better, and he's gonna fit in great

with our newest hire, Jarmelo Anthony.

Look, folks, what I'm saying

is that wacky Omarosa is a total liar.

I mean, in her book, she says

she once walked in on me eating paper.

I have never eaten paper.

Unless you count when the receipt was stuck to my Big Mac.

She also says I have a tanning bed in the White House.

Of course I do!

What am I supposed to sleep on, a tanning futon?

I'm the President.

And now Omarosa says she has secret recordings of me.

But two can play at that game.

Because I've been secretly recording things, too.

I even taped a recent meeting I had with Vladimir Putin.

I hid my phone right under the table.

Listen to this.

[ Fart ]

[ Fart ]

[ Fart ]

[ Fart ]

[ Fart ]

[ Fart ]

[ Fart ]

-That was Putin. That was Putin.

[ Fart ]

[ Fart ] That one was me.

[ Fart ]

That's a D.T. original right there.

All right. Those are mostly me.

All right, look, anyway,

maybe I should have put the phone above the table.

What can I say? It's very hard to digest paper.

Space Force! Everyone loves the Space Force.

Everyone's talking about how much they love it.

And it will be up and running by 2020.

It's taking longer than expected.

But that's totally normal.

Plenty of presidents my age

have trouble getting their rockets up.

In entertainment news,

"Crazy Rich Asians" hit theaters this week.

It is getting fantastic reviews.

Fantastic.

I'm very excited about this movie.

In fact, I went ahead and made a sequel with my family,

"Rich Crazy Caucasians."

[ Laughter ]

In collusion -- I mean, in conclusion...

[ Laughter ]

...my star might be removed from the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

You'd think I'd be sad, but I'm actually glad

because it involves the two things

I hate more than anything -- Hollywood and walking.

Oh, it looks like some more breaking news is coming in.

This is the Trump News Network. We'll be right back.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Fart sounds ]