(Anthony) SHUT UP!

(Ian) Alright, I'll tell you what.

Winner of hide-and-seek gets to play

Dragon Ball Z on the Kinect first.

That's, like, the lamest prize ever.

The Kinect sucks.

Plus, you're, like, the worst hider in the history of hiding.

Frick nuggets!

Frick nuggets!

Frick nugget!

Frick nuggets!

Frick nugget!

Okay, but this time I have a way awesome hiding space

and you're never gonna find me!

Oh, so I guess I'll find you in, uh...oh, let's see, 15 seconds?

Um, more like 15 years!

Dog years.

Cause that's, like, longer, right?

(Anthony) Three, two, one.

Ready or not, here I come. Bitch.

Frick balls!

Heh heh heh.

Frick balls!

Heh heh heh.

Gee, I wonder where Ian is.

(grunting)

-Gotcha, you-- -(groaning in pain)

Uh...sorry, Stevie.

(groans)

(whistles casually)

Heh heh heh heh heh.

(sighs) Okay, Ian! You can come out now!

Heh heh heh.

I'm serious, man!

Let's just end this stupid game, okay?

Heh heh heh heh.

Alright, if you're not coming out, I guess I'm playing

Dragon Ball Z without you!

Kamayamayaaaaaaa!

Day One:

I've been under the table for three hours now.

Anthony is trying to lure me out,

but I'm not gonna fall for his little tricks.

If you don't come out, I'm gonna eat all your pink-frosted

sprinkled donuts!

I'm gonna use your blow-up doll!

I'm gonna pop all your bubble wrap!

I'm gonna send all my nude pictures to your mom!

I'm gonna eat your grandpa's ashes!

I am the best hider ever.

That idiot actually thinks I left the house or something!

(cackles)

Well, uh, since I'm all alone,

I guess I might as well go play with my junk!

Heh heh heh.

Day six:

I finally found a friend in here!

I think he's a guy, but I can't really seem to find his balls,

so I should probably give him a gender-neutral name,

like, uh, Kelly. Yeah, Kelly sounds good.

(giggling)

(sighs) Man, playing with my junk just isn't any fun without Ian here.

He used to love watching me play with my junk.

Well...since he is not here, I guess

I might as well have a circle jerk!

Whoo!

Day 10:

Kelly seems down.

I gotta find out what's wrong with him.

Or...her. I-I don't really know.

I still haven't found his balls.

What's wrong, buddy?

I'm just so hungry! We need to find some food up in this bitch!

I know, but there isn't any.

What about Anthony?

I'm not gonna eat Anthony.

No, you idiot!

He has food!

No! I'm not gonna come out of hiding until he

tells me that I'm the best hider of all time!

So shut your yeasty little f*cking trap, Kelly!

Jesus! Chill out, bro.

That guy's a jerk.

She's a jerk!

They're all jerky-jerky-jerks.

I'm circling all of these jerks!

(sighs) Man, I'm bored.

Well, I guess since I'm all alone,

I guess I might as well go masturbate!

Day 21:

Anthony's still in the bathroom, doing what kind of sounds like

weight lifting or something?

I don't know.

All I know is that I'm starving to death.

I need to find something to eat...

(bread) No! No, Ian, don't do that!

Just-Just one little bite won't hurt, will it?

(bread) Of course it'll freaking hurt, idiot!

Just-Just one little nibble.

(bread) Come on, silly!

Think about what you're doing!

(bread whimpers) Oh, Jesus...oh...oh.

Yup! Thought about it.

(toast screams in pain)

Jesus!

What time is it?

What the hell are you doing down here?!

Oh! Anthony!

Well, now that you've finally found me,

I guess you're ready to admit that I'm the greatest

hide-and-seeker of all time.

Uh...Anthony is my grandpa?

What do you mean, "grandpa"?

It's been 50 years since you went missing, dumb ass!

Whoaaaa.

Is that a new Xbox?!

Yup. Xbox 36.

How's the Kinect work?

Still sucks balls!

(Kinect) Searching the internet for old men sucking balls.

AAAAH! My eyes!

To see deleted scenes and bloopers...

I like to beat my meat!

Then I like to eat my meat.

Click the video on the right!

I rock out. I throw the babies into the pit.

My grandkids ain't pussies!

And if you want to see another video with Ian writing in a diary...

(Ian) Shut up, it's a man journal!

Click the other video on the right, sillies!

And you better subscribe, bitches, or else

I'm gonna eat myself.

Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it, I swear.

I'll do it!

(screaming in pain) Oh no, Jesus! Not again! Oohhh.

Hey, uh, speaking of balls,

do you guys know if slices of bread are girls or boys?

(bread) I'm a fricking man, you dick biscuit!

(gasps) AAAAAAH!

Jackass.