[Stevie] gorgeous as always. [D] Aw, stop.

so. this is stevie

[S] Hi!

[D] If you didn't know, she's great, she's wonderful

Yesterday we had a great day. went to a party and then

we just chilled in the living room and chatted all day and Stevie's like

"I know this great place. There's like a ball pit." I'm like "wow that sounds great!" We're really tired

We're like doing this quiz. Just getting to know each other, go into a ball

We're having so much fun, but also we slept for like four hours,

So we're really tired, go get some food, and then we're like okay, ready to go home.

So a bit buzzed, walking through London, and then we see

This like apartment, this room with loud music playing and lights

And I'm like "wow."

[S] I can't believe you were joking when you said—

[D] Oh, I was fully joking.

[S] —"Let's just go to the party."

[D] And Stevie's like, "okay."

[S] This is my mission. To get us into this party.

Dodie wants to break into this party. We're doing it.

[D] I don't know anyone else who would do this. like none of my friends would be this enabling.

So we go up the door, and there's this other guy outside. What was his name? I don't know.

[S] He was looking at us very suspiciously.

[D] Yeah, he fucking knew.

[S] He was just like...

[D] Of course he knew! He absolutely knew. [S] Who are you here to see?

We didn't know why he was acting suspicious. At first

I was just like, "Pfft. No one's gonna be like 'no, we don't want more girls at this party.' "

[D] We were totally convinced we would fit right in! Like, two hot girls, just walking into this party,

and then we're like "yeah we just found it off the street we just gate crashed."

I thought it would be so funny, everyone'd be like "wow cool, come join in!' Anyway—

[S] I like cocky Dodie!

[D] So this guy— I think he might've been trying to gate crash as well.

[S] Yeah. I never even thought of that. He was probably gate crashing too.

[D] Yeah, 'cause he didn't—He didn't know where he was going.

[S] I also just learned what "gate crashing" means. I thought you were saying gay crashing the whole night.

[D] Well, Stevie. [S] I was like, "what's gay crashing?"

Yeah, we walked up, and he immediately was just like "oh, you going to the party?" and we were like, "yeah,

We're going to the party." and he's like "oh, who are you here to see?"

And we were like "John."

"You know John?" "No, I'm here to see Steve." And I was like, "Steve. Steve's a good guy."

[D] I reckon he was totally bullshitting.

He just made up a name as well! [S] He did the same thing!

He went into the party with us and then we never saw him again.

[D] Yeah! Yeah!

[S] He did the same thing! Maybe he left. [D] Yeah! I think he did the same fucking thing!

Stevie just like— is like, "I don't know which one to buzz, we've forgotten the number."

Oh, no! and then I was like, "Oh, let me text him. I think his phone's dead though."

[D] Oh my God, you did! Ah!

Also, okay.

I'm terrible at lying. I think because— [S] You're so bad.

[D] I used to be a compulsive liar when I was little, so when I have to lie,

Genuinely, I can't. I just freeze up, so I just turned away.

Please God, let him not ask me any questions.

[S] And I pull out my phone and I'm like, acting like I'm texting,

"Like, ugh, his phone's dead. I was like, "fuck, let's just push a number.

They're probably on the top floor let's press this 22."

[D] There was a little light up candle by the right buzzer.

[S] Oh, Yeah! we followed the red candle. [D] Yes, we did.

[S] This is so dramatic

[D] I know! this whole thing is so stupid!

We walk in with this other random guy,

and there's like, little red candles, like cello-taped along the walls—

[S] (imitating) cello-taped!

[D] Cello-tape. What would you say? Sticky tape? [S] Um.

And we're go in the lift, and there's like a red candle on the right floor

So they're like "Eh. Bzz." Go up, in the lift, with this random guy, and we're like, okay.

There was this one moment where I was like holding my breath in the lift.

I was like, "I'm gonna burst out laughing.

Or something. I'm going to explode. I can't deal with this."

[S] Ugh, so excited to see John. Haven't seen him in so long...

[D] Oh, God!

[S] I don't know, what was I saying? [D] No! No!

No one would say that. you wouldn't be like that.

If someone was in a lift and they were like, "Do you know John? I love John. Lemme text John."

[S] You'd be like, "you're lying!'

[D] So we're in the lift, and it doesn't open. Do you remember? It gets stuck.

[S] Oh, yeah! You almost died!

[D] I can't hold in this laughter, and it just like, stays there. [S] And I was like, "it'll open in a second."

I'm like, "please, God, don't say it's stuck." I'm like, ready to scream.

And then it opens. We're like, "okay cool."

And we follow the red candles and we follow the music into the party

So... how the fuck do we describe this?

How do we go? We follow—

[S] Wait, maybe we should describe what we're wearing.

[D] Okay. Oh, yeah.

Alright. So, I'm wearing skinny jeans, and like, this stripey blue top.

Jeans, jean-jacket. [S] Jeans, white T-shirt, and a denim jacket.

We're like, "we'll fit right in, just like casual clothes, like no one will know who. . .

who's our friend, who's not our friend, we'll just blend right in."

We walk in.

[S] We open the door. There's glitter hanging from the ceiling.

There is a... rhinestoned windmill

that's like, four feet tall, in the center of the room.

There's red velvet all over the couches, just laid—

[D] Oh yeah. [S] —over the couches, there is a smorgasbord of pastries, and—

[D] carrots, all like, in a circle around some hummus.

There was a punch bowl... [S] Oh my God, there was hummus.

Homemade Sangria! [D] Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[S] Full bar... What else was there, Dodie?

[D] How— how— Okay. (clears throat)

It's just, full of half-naked men with feathers and heels and sequins.

[S] And dresses and wigs!

[D] And we stick out like two sore thumbs!

[S] Just big feather headdresses, and they're all like eight feet tall, because they're wearing giant heels.

Dodie's immediate reaction is

"How do we fit in?"

[D] What do we do?

[S] Let's take our clothes off.

And I was like, "yes, ma'am. Already in. Down. Let's do it. I don't even care about the reason."

[D] Yeah, I know.

[S] Clothes off. Let's go.

[D] You were like, "Bullshit. That's not gonna work. But okay!"

So we go outside, take off our tops,

I'm like, "what are we doing? What are we doing?! This is crazy!"

Okay, so me and Stevie gate crashed a party, there's fucking fireworks going on over there."

[S] But we immediately started talking to someone!

[D] Oh yeah! someone like, comes in, and is like—

[S] We met Juan. That was the first person we met. [D] Yes. Juan. Yes.

[S] And I was like, "that sounds like John, that's probably who they thought I was talking about."

[D] Hey! Juan! Good to see you!

[S] Long time no see! Why's your phone dead?

[D] Everyone was really nice though, that's the thing.

[S] Oh my God, everyone was wonderful.

[D] Like no one, even though it was fucking obvious we didn't belong there—

[S] Oh my God. . .

[D] absolutely just gate crashed this party.

[S] It was obvious because you kept telling people!

[D] I can't lie!

There was this big, like, light-up 30. It was pretty obvious that like—

[S] Somebody's 30th birthday. He was great.

[D] He was amazing!

Oh! So like, at one point,

we're sitting on the sofa now just in our bras and skinny jeans, 'cause why not?

We're like, sitting down this— these other two guys, obviously

half-naked covered in feathers,

and this guy like, struts up to us in his wonderful heels,

sits down. He's like, talking to his friend or whatever, who comes over with like, this wristband, right?

I think it was like, this like, leather strap wristband. [S] Mm.

[D] And he like, unbuckles it and like,

lays it out in front of us and is like, "Do you guys wanna top up?"

It's full of drugs. I don't even know what.

[S] And at this point like, I don't judge anyone for doing drugs,

you do whatever the fuck you want,

but I mean, like, I don't partake.

But at the same time, all I'm thinking is, "Did we just transport to Gay Stereotype Land?"

Everyone's wearing heels, everyone's SO bubbly and nice,

everyone's so muscular, and everyone has abs, what?

[D] Yes! Yes!

[S] Everyone's wearing makeup, and. . . everyone's on drugs.

[D] Yeah. [S] Like what's happening?

[D] Anyway, so this guy's like, "You want to top up?"

We're like, "No, thanks! We're okay. But thanks so much!"

[Siri] I found something on the web about "gay stereotypes like

everyone's wearing heels everyone's so bubbly and nice

everyone so muscular and everyone has abs rain makeup everyone's." Check it out.

[S] I know, Siri! I had to Google it too!

So the guy next to us just like, sniffs coke up in front of us. Like literally on our laps.

[S] I know, he was like six inches from our faces.

[D] Yeah, he was like here. [S] I don't know. Why was he so close to us?

[D] We were just like, "Mhm. Okay."

I'm so glad you weren't still on your "Yes! Let's do everything right now!" train. [D] Yeah, no.

[S] You were just like, "Hm, this is too far."

[D] Yeah, too far. Too many yes's. This is— this is big enough.

He's like, snorting some coke, whatever.

And then we get talking. He—

[S] "We" get talking? He gets talking.

[D] He gets talking.

What was his job again? I guess he was like, a costume designer?

[S] I think his job was to tell women what they're doing wrong with their bodies.

[D] 'Cause that's all I got!

And he was staring at my face, and he was like saying,

"Oh, you should lighten your eyebrows. Your eyebrows are too dark. Like don't use black."

[S] He was like, "Listen, if you come to a gay party,

you need to do these things." [D] Yes.

[S] "Girl, let me tell you, there's some girls around here,

that I'm just judg— I'm just helpin' them—"

He just fixed someone's wig, before he sat down next to us.

[D] Yes, that's right, he was like, "Come here."

[S] But like, aggressively, was just like— [D] Yeah.

[S] NYHMHMHMHMHM" [D] Yeah yeah yeah.

And then he like, like looks at me, and is like, "Hm. Okay."

[D] Yes you were. [S] Protective defensive— WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER?!

Don't talk to her!

[D] Hm. . . Hmm.

And then like, told me that my eyebrows were too dark,

and I should get like, honey hair.

[S] "You have to go brown, you have to go—

Oh, first he told you you needed to go to the sun bed.

[D] Oh, yes!

[S] And you were like, "I like my skin tone!"

[D] "This is how you get all the boys. All the boys will come running after you."

And we're sitting there like, "Hm. Okay."

[S] This is how you get all the boys. You can have any boy you want— [D] I'm a lie.

[S] —if you just change your eyebrows.

[D] Oh. Thank you so much, random gay man on coke. Anyway—

[S] He had like, a Zorro mask—

[D] Oh yeah! [S] —painted on his face in makeup.

[D] What else was he wearing? [S] His partner was also Zorro.

A top hat. And no shirt, and a blazer on top.

[D] Oh, yeah! And they were matching! [S] Was he glittery?

[D] Probably. I don't—

[S] He was wearing heels.

[D] Yes. They were all wearing very sparkly heels.

Oh, we touched some, like, Louis Vuitton spiky shoes.

[S] Mmm! [D] That was very exciting.

[S] That guy was nice. And then he came and brought you over desserts. Do you remember the dessert?

[D] Oh, yeah! Like a little passion fruit thing.

And I was like, "I'm worried this tastes funny what's in this?"

[S] I know! Understandably, after people are like, "What drugs would you like?" [D] Yeah.

[S] And you're like, "What's in this pastry?"

So then he fixed us. By giving us props.