[Iain] Where's the buttons?

[Rob] Oh no, they've installed voice-recognition technology in this lift, they have no buttons.

[Iain] Voice-recognition technology? In a lift? In Scotland? You ever tried voice-recognition technology?

[Rob] No.

[Iain] They don't do Scottish accents.

[Rob] Eleven.

[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?

[Iain] Eleven.

[Rob] Eleven. Eleven.

[Iain] Eleven.

[VOICE] Could you please repeat that?

[Rob] EL-EV-EN.

[Iain] Whose idea was this? You need to try an American accent. "E-leven. E-leven."

[Rob] That sounds Irish, not American.

[Iain] No it doesn't! ELEVEN.

[Rob] Where in America is that - Dublin?

[VOICE] I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?

[Rob] Try an English accent. "Eelevin! Eelevin!"

[Iain] You from the same part of England as Dick van Dyke?

[Rob] Let's hear yours then, smartass.

[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.

[Rob] SMARTASS.

[Iain] Ee-lev-en.

[VOICE] I'm sorry. Could you please repeat that?

[Iain] ELEVEN. If you don't understand the lingo, away back home to your own country!

[Rob] Ooo, it's that talk now, is it, away back home to your own country?

[Iain] Oh, don't start Mr. Bleeding Heart, how can you be racist to a lift?

[VOICE] Please speak slowly and clearly.

[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven. Eleven.

[Iain] You're just saying it the same way!

[Rob] I'm going to keep saying it until it understands Scottish, alright?

[Rob] Eleven. Eleven. Eleven! Eleven!

[Iain] Oh just take us anywhere, ya cow! Just open the doors!

[VOICE] This is a voice-activated elevator. Please state which floor you would like to go to in a clear and calm manner.

[Iain] Calm? Calm? Where's that coming from? Why is it telling people to be calm?

[Rob] Because they knew they'd be selling this to Scottish people who'd be going off their nuts at it!

[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.

[Rob] Aye, we have! Eleven!

[VOICE] If you would like to get out of the elevator without selecting a floor, simply say "Open the doors, please".

[Iain] Please? Please?? Suck my wully.

[Rob] Maybe we should just say "please".

[Iain] I'm not begging that for nothing.

[Rob] Open the doors, please.

[Iain} "Please!" Pathetic.

[VOICE] Please remain calm.

[Rob] Oh! My! God! You wait until I get up there...just wait for it to speak...

[VOICE] You have not selected a floor.

[Rob] Up yours, ya cow! If you don't let us through these doors, I'm gonna come to America,

I'm gonna find whatever desperate actress gave you a voice, and I'm gonna go to the electric chair for ye!

[Iain] Scotland, you bastard!

[Rob] Scotland!

[Iain] SCOTLAND!

[Rob] SCOOOOOTLAND!

[Iain] FREEDOM!!

[Rob] FREEDOM!!

[Iain] Goin' up?

[Credits]

Captions made from the transcript given by fuelingforthelight in the description of youtube.com/watch?v=5FFRoYhTJQQ .