Today, I'm breaking mine,

你們是否曾經必須要打破家規？

around money, secrecy and shame.

今天，我要打破我的家規，

In 2006, on my brother Keith's 40th birthday, he called.

關於金錢、秘密，以及羞恥的家規。

"Tam, I'm in dire straits.

2006 年，我哥哥基斯在他 四十歲生日的那一天打電話來。

I wouldn't ask unless I had to.

「譚美，我的狀況非常糟。

Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"

不到必要關頭，我不會問的。

This wasn't the first time he needed quick cash,

我能否跟你借 7500 美金？」

but this time, his voice frightened me.

那並不是他第一次急需現金，

I had never heard him so beaten down and shameful,

但這一次，他的聲音嚇著了我。

and it was on his 40th birthday.

我從來沒有聽過他這麼 潦倒、羞恥的聲音，

After a few basic questions that we would all ask,

且那天是他的四十歲生日。

I agreed to loan him the money, but under one condition:

問了幾個大家都會問的 基本問題之後，

that as the financial professional in the family,

我同意借他錢，但有一個條件：

I wanted to meet with him and his wife

身為家中的財務專家，

to see what was really happening.

我想要和他及他太太見面，

Weeks later, we met at the local Starbucks,

了解真正的狀況。

and I started right in with the tough-love budget conversation.

幾週之後，我們在 當地的星巴克裡見面，

"You should sell the house, downsize to something you can afford,

我一開始就切入談起 「嚴苛的愛」生活費。

sell the toys.

「你應該把房子賣了， 換到小一點但能負擔的房子，

And Starbucks?

把『玩具』賣掉。

Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."

至於星巴克呢？

You know, all the trappings that we do to keep up with the Joneses.

放棄每天五美金的咖啡。」

Quickly, my brother and his wife went into a fearsome blame game,

你知道的，所有為了 和別人比較而做的虛飾。

and it got messy.

很快地，我哥哥和他太太 就開始了可怕的怪罪比賽，

I vacillated between therapist and pissed-off sister.

場面很難看。

I wanted them to be better than this.

我在治療師和被惹毛的妹妹 這兩個身分之間遊走。

"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.

我希望他們做得比現在這樣更好。

You're parents.

「拜託，兩位，別再瞎搞了。

Grow up and buck up."

你們是父母。

After we left, I called my mom,

成熟一點，振作一點。」

but Keith beat me to it,

我們離開後，我打電話給我母親，

and he told her that I wasn't helpful.

但基斯比我快了一步，

In fact, he was hurt and felt ganged-up on.

他跟母親說我都不幫忙。

Of course he did. I shamed him with my tough-love budget conversation.

事實上，他很受傷， 覺得大家都聯手對付他。

Two months went by when I received a call.

他當然會有這種反應。我用我那段 嚴苛的愛生活費談話來羞辱他。

"Tam? I have bad news.

兩個月之後，我接到一通電話。

Keith committed suicide last night."

「譚美？我有壞消息。

Days later, at his home, I went looking for answers,

基斯昨晚自殺了。」

in his "office" -- the garage.

幾天後，在他家，我去尋找答案，

There, I found a stack of overdue credit card bills

我進到他的「辦公室」——車庫。

and a foreclosure notice served to him on the day that he died.

在那裡，我找到一疊 過期的信用卡帳單，

My brother left behind his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,

還有一份回贖權取消通知， 在他過世的那天交給他。

his brilliant 18-year-old son, weeks before his high school graduation,

我哥哥留下了一個美麗的十歲女兒，

and his wife of 20 years.

一個聰明的十八歲兒子， 幾週後就要高中畢業，

How did this happen?

還有結婚二十年的太太。

My brother was caught in our family's money-shame cycle,

這是怎麼發生的？

and he was far from alone in this.

我哥哥陷入了我家的 「金錢羞恥」循環中，

Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64

且他不是唯一的一個人。

have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.

從 1999 年開始， 40 到 64 歲的成人

Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures

自殺率上升了近 40%。

were present in nearly 40 percent of the deaths,

近 40% 的自殺死者遇到

with white middle-aged men accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.

失業、破產，和回贖權 取消的狀況，

What I've learned

十個自殺者當中 就有七個是中年白人，

is that our self-destructive and self-defeating financial behaviors

我們發現，

are not driven by our rational, logical minds.

我們的自我毀滅

Instead, they are a product of our subconscious belief systems

和自取滅亡的財務行為

rooted in our childhoods

並不是由理性、邏輯的大腦所控制。

and so deeply ingrained in us,

反之，這些行為是我們

they shape the way that we deal with money our entire adult lives,

潛意識信念系統的產物，

and so many of you are left believing that you're lazy,

深根於我們的童年，

crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.

在我們體內非常根深蒂固，

This is what I call money shame.

形塑了我們在整個成年期中 處理金錢的方式，

Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known shame researcher,

所以，許多人就會

defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience

相信自己是懶惰、

of believing that we are flawed,

瘋了，或是愚蠢， 或就是不擅長處理錢。

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging."

這就是我所謂的金錢羞恥。

Based on this definition, here's how I'm defining money shame:

布芮尼布朗博士 是一位著名的羞恥研究者，

"the intensely painful feeling or experience

她把羞恥定義為

of believing that we are flawed,

「極度痛苦的感覺或經驗，

and therefore unworthy of love and belonging,

相信我們有瑕疵，

based on our bank account balances,

因此不值得被愛及有所歸屬。」

our debts, our homes, our cars

根據這個定義， 我把金錢羞恥定義如下：

and our job titles."

「極度痛苦的感覺或經驗，

Let me give you a couple of examples of what I mean.

相信我們有瑕疵，

I believe that we all have money shame,

因此不值得被愛及有所歸屬，

whether you earn 10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,

依據的是我們的銀行帳戶餘額、

and it's because we give money all of our power.

我們的負債、 我們的房子、我們的車子，

Here's what it would look like if someone that you love, or you,

以及我們的工作頭銜。」

might have money shame.

讓我舉幾個例子來說明我的意思。

They play the big shot, always picking up the check,

我相信我們都有金錢羞恥，

financially rescuing family and friends.

不論你的年收入是 一萬美金或一千萬美金，

They are financially secure,

原因是因為我們把 所有的權力都交給金錢。

but they live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

如果你所愛的人或是你本身 有金錢羞恥的話，

They drive a Mercedes, but their budget really only can afford a Honda.

看起來會是這個樣子的：

And they're looking good at every cost.

他們會裝作是大人物， 總是要當付錢的人，

I know that we can break free from the grips of money shame,

在財務上去拯救家人和朋友。

because I did.

他們在財務上是安全的，

Shortly after my brother's death, the Recession hit.

但他們生活在一種長期 都不覺得足夠的狀態。

I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.

他們開賓士汽車，但他們的預算 其實只負擔得起本田汽車。

Secretly, I was terrified.

他們會不計代價想 讓自己看起來很棒。

I stayed in my home for a year, thinking I did something wrong,

我知道我們可以脫離 金錢羞恥的掌心，

told myself, "What did you do? What happened?"

因為我就做過。

I stayed silent, while all along, I went outside and smiled.

在我哥哥過世後不久， 發生經濟衰退，

Nobody knew.

我失去了我的事業，面臨破產。

That's money shame.

私底下，我害怕極了。

So what I had to do was let go of the grip that I had

我待在我家裡一整年， 認為是我做錯了什麼事，

on knowing all the answers.

我問自己：「你做了什麼？ 發生了什麼事？」

I was the know-it-all in my family,

我保持沉默，但我一直都會 走到外面對大家微笑。

and I had to give up the idea that a new financial plan

沒有人知道。

was the solution.

那就是金錢羞恥。

And so just like everything in my life, for me,

我必須要放下，

I was sent a human to help,

不能再覺得我知道所有的答案。

and I accepted the help,

在我家，我就是那個 什麼都知道的人，

but I had to do major self-inquiry

我得要放棄認為新的財務計畫

about my family's money history

就是解決方案的想法。

and my money beliefs.

所以，就像我人生中的一切一樣，

We have to start having this conversation.

有個人來幫助我，

Money can no longer be a taboo topic.

而我接受了那幫助，

We have to get honest with each other that we're suffering with money issues,

但我得要做重要的自我探索，

and let's get real -- we have to stop numbing out our pain.

探索我家族的金錢史

In order to uncover the painful parts

以及我的金錢信仰。

of your money story and your money history,

我們得要開始進行這樣的談話。

you can't be numb.

金錢不能夠再是禁忌的話題。

We have to let go of our past in order to be free.

我們得要對彼此誠實，

Letting go of the past happens through surrender,

坦誠我們遇到了金錢問題，

faith and forgiveness.

而且，咱們要實際點—— 我們得要停止去麻木我們的痛苦。

Debt is the tangible manifestation of not forgiving.

為了要揭露出你的金錢故事

If you have debt, you've not completely forgiven your past,

及你的金錢歷史中的痛苦部分，

so it's our work to forgive ourselves and others

你不能麻木。

so that we can live freely.

我們得要放下過去，才能夠自由。

Otherwise, our history will continue to repeat.

要透過屈服、信念，以及寬恕，

This is not a quick fix, and I know we all want one,

才能放下過去。

but it's a slow wake-up.

債務就是不寬恕的實質具體呈現。

This is another level of work.

如果你還欠債，你就還沒有 完全寬恕你的過去，

We have to go higher to get it,

所以，我們要做的是寬恕 我們自己以及他人，

to get at it.

這樣我們才能自由地生活。

So try this: follow your dollars.

不然，我們的歷史就會不斷重演。

Your money will show you right away what you value.

這並不是快速解決的方案， 我知道我們都希望快速解決，

Where's it going?

但它其實是緩慢的覺醒。

And then ask yourself: Do I really value all this stuff?

這是另一個層級的工作了。

And get curious about what you're feeling when you're spending.

我們得要爬更高才能得到它，

Are you lonely?

才能夠得著它。

Are you bored?

所以，試試這樣做： 跟著你的錢走。

Or are you just excited?

你的金錢會馬上告訴你 你重視的是什麼。

But there's deeper work that needs to happen.

它被花到哪裡去了？

How did you get all these money beliefs to begin with?

接著，問問你自己： 我真的重視所有這些東西嗎？

I call this your money autobiography,

要好奇地去了解 當你花錢時的感受是什麼。

and as a money coach, this is the first step I take with my clients.

你寂寞嗎？

Think back to your earliest childhood money memory.

你無聊嗎？

What did it feel like when you got money?

或者你只是興奮？

Were you excited, proud or confused?

但還有更深的工作需要去做。

And what did you do with the money?

你一開始是怎麼產生出 這些金錢信念的？

Did you run with the candy store, or did you run to the bank?

我稱它為你的金錢自傳，

And what did you hear your parents say,

我是個金錢教練， 我帶客戶所做的第一步如下。

and what did you see your parents do with the money?

回想你孩童時期 最早的金錢相關記憶。

My brother and I heard,

當你拿到錢的時候，感覺如何？

"More money will make us happy."

你是很興奮、很驕傲， 還是很困惑？

Every day.

你把錢用在哪裡？

"More money will make us happy."

你是跑去糖果店，還是跑去銀行？

And we internalized that into the money belief

你聽見你的父母說什麼？

that our self worth was equal to our net worth

你看到你的父母如何使用金錢？

as we watched our mom live in a state of chronic not-enoughness.

我哥哥和我聽到的是：

And she numbed the pain with sugar and shopping.

「更多的錢會讓我們快樂。」

So what did we do?

每天都聽到。

Keith played out my mother's life.

「更多的錢會讓我們快樂。」

He was an underearner, longed to be financially rescued,

我們就會把它內化成金錢信念，

and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.

相信我們的自我價值 等同於我們的淨值，

I did the opposite.

同時看著我們的母親活在 一種長期都覺得不夠足的狀態中。

I became a high earner,

她用糖和購物來麻痹那痛苦。

rescuer,

所以，我們做了什麼？

and I numbed the pain out with self-help books.

基斯重演了我母親的人生。

But what we had in common was our money belief.

他賺的錢很少， 渴望在財務上被拯救，

We both believed that our bank account balance

他用酒精來麻木他的痛苦。

was equal to our self worth.

我做的相反。

Looking back at the Starbucks meeting with my brother ...

我變成了高收入者，

he didn't need a budget and my judgment.

拯救者，

He needed a breakthrough from his suffering,

我用自助書籍來麻目我的痛苦。

and he needed my compassion.

但我們兩人的共通點 是我們的金錢信念。

Keith was not able to be the one to speak up

我們都相信我們的銀行帳戶餘額

and break our family money shame cycle,

等同於我們的自我價值。

so he left me to do the work and share his legacy.

回頭看我和我哥哥 在星巴克的會面……

Change is difficult,

他並不需要生活費和我的評斷。

but in my family, not changing is fatal.

他需要的是從他的苦難突破出來，

So I did the work,

他需要我的同理心。

and I have experienced deep and profound forgiveness,

基斯無法成為說出來並且打破

and as I stand here today,

我們家族金錢羞恥循環的那個人，

I am living on purpose,

所以他把這個工作留給我， 並分享了他的遺產。

I serve, and money serves me.

改變很難，

It only takes one person in your family

但在我的家庭中， 不改變反而會致命。

to break through the money-shame cycle.

所以我做了這項工作，

I want you to be the one.

我已經經驗過了 深刻且深切的寬恕，

Thank you.

且，今天我站在這裡，

(Applause)

我活著是有目的的，