YOU. THANK YOU. PLEASE REMAIN SEATED. THAT IS NOT NECESSARY.

[APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] THANK YOU, DON'T STAND, THAT WOULDN'T BE

RIGHT. GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT, MRS. OBAMA,

DISTINGUISHED MEMBERS OF THE PRESS AND BON JOVI. [LAUGHTER]

YES, IT IS AN HONOR TO SHARE THE STAGE WITH THE PRESIDENT. WHEN

YOU THINK ABOUT IT, HE AND I ARE A LOT ALIKE. WE BOTH WENT TO

HARVARD, WE BOTH HAVE TWO CHILDREN AND WE BOTH OLD -- TOLD JOE

BIDEN WE DID NOT HAVE EXTRA TICKETS FOR TONIGHT EVENT.

[LAUGHTER] WE ALSO HAVE SOMETHING ELSE IN COMMON, I TOO

RECENTLY GOT IN TROUBLE FOR TALKING ABOUT A PUBLIC OFFICIAL'S

GOOD LOOKS. IT WAS WHEN I WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THAT STONE

COLD FOX, SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION RAY LAHOOD. OH, MAN. I

LIKE THE CUT OF HIS JIB. [LAUGHTER] PRESIDENT OBAMA, YOU HAD

SOME GREAT JOKES. IT WAS A PLEASURE WATCHING YOU STAND HERE AND

DO WHAT I DO. NOW IT IS ONLY FAIR THAT I GET TO DO WHAT YOU DO.

THAT IS RIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR THE NEXT 15 MINUTES I

WILL BE MIRED IN A DYSFUNCTIONAL STANDOFF WITH CONGRESS. THIS

IS GOING TO BE FUN. [LAUGHTER] I WOULD LIKE TO FORMALLY

CONGRATULATE THE PRESIDENT ON HIS REELECTION. CONGRATULATIONS.

[APPLAUSE] AS YOU ALL KNOW, HE IS HARD AT WORK READING JOBS.

SINCE HE WAS FIRST SELECTED, THE NUMBER OF POPES HAS DOUBLED.

[LAUGHTER] AND THE NUMBER OF TONIGHT SHOW HOSTS HAS TRIPLED.

CONGRATULATIONS. [LAUGHTER] WHILE I'M AT IT, I WOULD LIKE TO

CONGRATULATE PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH ON BIG DEDICATION OF HIS

PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY. YES, THE LIBRARY HAS MILLIONS OF BOOKS,

ARTICLES, AND DOCUMENTS AND IF YOU GO, YOU CAN BE THE FIRST TO

READ THEM. [LAUGHTER] YOU CAN'T HURT ME. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

LET'S GET GOING. RIGHT HERE AT THE START I AM GOING TO SHARE

SOMETHING WITH YOU PEOPLE AND IT DOES NOT LEAVE THIS ROOM. I

SAY THIS WITH ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE, BECAUSE WE ARE ON C- SPAN.

[LAUGHTER] WHO DOESN'T LOVE C-SPAN, SERIOUSLY? C-SPAN. AN

ENTIRE CHANNEL SHOT THE BACKUP CAMERA ON A FORD EXPLORER.

CONGRATULATIONS TO C-SPAN FOR WINNING THE BID TO BROADCAST THIS

EVENT. THEY BEAT OUT HD TV TWO, TVC SOUTH AMERICA AND THE

HILTON HOTEL HOW TO CHECK OUT CHANNEL. [LAUGHTER] THAT IS

RIGHT, THE HILTON. IT IS GREAT TO BE HERE AT THE HILTON. IS IT

JUST ME OR IS IT TIME TO STOP USING PRICELINE TO BOOK THIS

EVENT CAP.? I LOVE THE HILTON. I LOVE THEIR MOTTO, SORRY THE

RADISSON WAS BOOKED. I WAS WORRIED THAT BECAUSE OF THE

SEQUESTER WE WOULD BE FORCED TO HOLD THIS EVENT AT A LESS

PRESTIGIOUS HOTEL THEN THE DC HILTON. THEN I WAS TOLD THAT WAS

NOT POSSIBLE. [LAUGHTER] I DO WANT TO THANK THE HILTON FOR

ACCOMMODATING US. THEY WERE KIND ENOUGH TO RESCHEDULE A CASH

FOR GOLD SEMINAR. [LAUGHTER] BY THE WAY, FOR THOSE OF YOU HERE

FOR THE CASH FOR GOLD SEMINAR, THAT HAS BEEN MOVED TO SALON BE

ON THE MEZZANINE. AND IF JOE BIDEN ASKS, THERE ARE NO EXTRA

TICKETS FOR THAT, EITHER. QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT, BEFORE WE REALLY

GET GOING, BEFORE WE CONTINUE, IF ANY OF YOU ARE LIVE TWEETING

THIS EVENT, PLEASE USE THE #INCAPABLE OFLIVINGINTHEMOMENT.

[LAUGHTER] YEAH. YEAH. YEAH. ALSO, TO ANY U.S. SENATORS HERE

TONIGHT, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SWITCH YOUR DESSERT OR YOUR

POSITION ON GAY MARRIAGE, PLEASE SIGNAL A WAITER. [LAUGHTER]

SPEAKING OF DINNER, TONIGHT ENTREES OR HOW ABOUT AND FILET

MIGNON -- HALIBUT, AND FILET MIGNON. OR AS CNN REPORTED,

LASAGNA AND COUSCOUS. [LAUGHTER] THERE IS A GAVEL HERE, AND I

DON'T KNOW WHY. [GAVEL POUNDS] HERE IS A FUN FACT ABOUT

TONIGHT'S FOOD, EVERYTHING YOU IT WAS PERSONALLY SHOCKED BY

WAYNE LAPIERRE. -- SHOT BY WAYNE MOTT THE AIR. DON'T WORRY IT

WAS DURING A HOME INVASION. THE FISH CAME IN THROUGH THE

WINDOW. IT WASN'T PEPPERCORN, IT WAS BUCKSHOT. INCIDENTALLY,

YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS, BUT WAYNE LAPIERRE IS MERELY THE

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE NRA. WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION,

HOW FREAKING CRAZY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BE THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT

OF THE NRA? [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] HE IS NOT EVEN AT THE TOP.

[LAUGHTER] I WOULD LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT EARLIER THIS

EVENING THERE WAS SOME CONFUSION WITH THE SEATING CHART. FOR A

MOMENT, SOMEONE ACCIDENTALLY SAT GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE WITH

THE REPUBLICANS. THAT WAS AWKWARD, AND I APOLOGIZE. VERY

AWKWARD. SPEAKING OF TABLES, BEFORE DINNER, I HAD A CHANCE TO

MINGLE, YOU PROBABLY SAW ME. I WORKED THE CROWD, SHOOK SOME

HANDS AND SOLD MY TWITTER ACCOUNT TO AL JAZEERA FOR $500

MILLION. THEY WILL BUY ANYTHING. IT IS AN ABSOLUTE JOY TO BE

HER AT THE WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENTS DINNER. LAST YEAR, TOM

BROKAW CRITICIZED THIS EVENT FOR HAVING TOO MANY SUPERSTARS AND

A-LIST CELEBRITIES. WHEN I TOLD HIM I WOULD BE ATTENDING THIS

YEAR, HE SAID, THAT IS MORE LIKE IT. [LAUGHTER] THAT SHOULD NOT

BE FUNNY TO YOU. BUT THIS IS REALLY A STAR- STUDDED EVENT.

THIS YEAR, YOU HAVE TAKEN IT TO NEW HEIGHTS. I HAVE TO

CONGRATULATE YOU. IT'S. YOU HAVE SOME OF THE GUY FROM DUCT

MINUS TO HEAR. --- DUCK DYNASTY. WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN ONE THING,

THE GUYS FROM STORAGE WARS SAID NO. I LOVE DUCK DYNASTY, DON'T

GET ME WRONG. I REALLY DON'T THINK THE WHISTLE -- ALL MY GOD,

IT WORKS. HE IS HERE. I ALWAYS HATED THAT ONE. AS SOME OF YOU

KNOW, THIS IS MY SECOND TIME SPEAKING AT THIS EVENT. I WAS 18

YEARS AGO IN 1995, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE THEN. TODAY YOU CAN

GET REAL-TIME INFORMATION ON WORLD EVENTS FROM SOMETHING SMALL

ENOUGH TO FIT IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND. BACK IN 1995, WE CALLED

THAT GEORGE STEPHANOPOULOS. [LAUGHTER] I CAN SEE IF GEORGE IS

HERE BECAUSE THERE IS A CROUTON IN THE WAY. [LAUGHTER] IT IS

AMAZING TO THINK HOW MUCH OUR COUNTRY HAS CHANGED IN 18 YEARS.

THINK ABOUT IT. IF IN 1995 HE TOLD ME THAT IN 2013, WE WOULD

HAVE AN AFRICAN- AMERICAN PRESIDENT WITH A MIDDLE NAME HUSSEIN,

WHO WAS JUST REELECTED TO A SECOND TERM IN A SLUGGISH ECONOMY,

I WOULD HAVE SAID, OH, YOU MUST HAVE RUN AGAINST MITT ROMNEY.

[LAUGHTER] BY THE WAY, NO OFFENSE, I DO CONGRATULATE YOU ON

YOUR VICTORY, BUT AS A LATE-NIGHT COMEDIAN, I WAS KIND OF

PULLING FOR THE RICH GUY WHO'S OR STANSTED THE OLYMPICS. --

WHOSE HORSE DANCED IN THE OLYMPICS. [LAUGHTER] THE DEMOGRAPHICS

OF THIS COUNTRY HAVE BEEN RAPIDLY CHANGING OVER THE PAST TWO

DECADES. I LOOK FORWARD TO HOSTING THIS EVENT 18 YEARS FROM

NOW. THEN, MY OPENING LINE WILL BE, [SPEAKING SPANISH] SI.

ESPECIALMENTE, PRESIDENTE MARIO LOPEZ. MY PRIOR EXPERIENCE HAS

TAUGHT ME HOW THESE DINNERS WORK. IF THE PRESIDENT LAUGHS,

EVERYONE LAUGHS. IF THE FOX NEWS TABLE LAUGHS, A LITTLE GIRL

JUST FELL OFF HER BIKE. [LAUGHTER] HOW ARE YOU DOING, BILL?

I'LL BE WASHINGTON NEWS MEDIATOR TONIGHT, INCLUDING THE STARS

OF ONLINE JOURNALISM. I DID THE HUFFINGTON POST HAS A TABLE.

WHICH HAS ME WONDERING, IF YOU ARE HERE, WHO IS COVERING MILEY

CYRUS'S LATEST NIP SLIP? WHO IS ASSEMBLING TODAY'S TOP 25

YOGURT RELATED TWEETS? [LAUGHTER] JUST BEFORE DINNER, I TRIED

TO SAY HELLO TO EVERY ON HUFFINGTON, BUT SHE MADE ME WATCH A

32ND AD FIRST. -- 30-SECOND AD FIRST. [LAUGHTER] A LOT OF

ONLINE STARS IN THE ROOM, BUT UNFORTUNATELY NOT JUDGE COULDN'T

MAKE IT. HE HAD A PRIOR COMMITMENT TO TEACH A WEB DESIGN CLASS

IN 1997. THE WASHINGTON PRINT MEDIA IS ALSO JOINING US THIS

EVENING. THE PRINT MEDIA ARE HERE FOR TWO VERY GOOD REASONS.

FOOD AND SHELTER. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY PRINT

MEDIA IS DYING, BUT I DON'T BELIEVE IT. NEITHER DOES MY

BLACKSMITH. [LAUGHTER] YOU HAVE GOT TO MEET ZACHARIAH, HE IS

GREAT. NEWSWEEK, WHICH AFTER 80 YEARS PUBLISHED ITS LAST PRINT

ISSUE. TIME MAGAZINE MIGHT BE GLOATING, BUT THEY REALLY

SHOULDN'T, BECAUSE TIME WILL OUTLIVE NEWSWEEK A WAY JULIETT

OUTLIVED ROMEO. READ THE PLAY, IT IS VERY SMART. [LAUGHTER]

THINGS ARE SO TOUGH FOR MEDIA, REUTERS IS HAVING ITS AFTER

PARTY RIGHT HERE AT THE HILTON. BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS WE ARE

HAVING A GREAT HERE LIKE HAVING YOUR AFTER PARTY AT THE SAME

TABLE WHERE YOU JUST HAD DINNER. [LAUGHTER] WITH THAT IN MIND,

REUTERS IS ASKING EVERYONE HERE TO LEAVE A LITTLE WINE AT THE

BOTTOM OF THE GLASS. [LAUGHTER] TO BE FAIR, PRINT MEDIA STILL

HAS A BIG STAR IN BOB WOODWARD. GOT TO GIVE IT UP FOR BOB

WOODWARD. [APPLAUSE] EARLIER THIS EVENING, A WAITER ASKED HIM

IF HE WANTED REGULAR OR DECAF AND HE SAID, THREATENING ME. --

STOP THREATENING ME! SOME BIG NAMES IN TELEVISION NEWS. WHEN

IT COMES TO TELEVISION NEWS, WE HAVE A DIVIDED LANDSCAPE. FOX

NEWS IS WATCHED BY CONSERVATIVES, MSNBC WATCHED BY LIBERALS AND

CNN IS WATCHED BY PEOPLE WHO CLEAN THE OFFICES AT CNN.

[LAUGHTER] [OOHS] OH, IT GETS WORST. CNN'S RATINGS ARE SO LOW,

WHEN IT COMES UP, JAMES EARL JONES SAYS, YOU ARE WATCHING CNN?

WHAT THE HELL? I HAVE TO SAY, IN THE PAST TWO YEARS, CNN HAS

MADE SOME ODD MOVES. IT REPLACED THE -- POPULAR LARRY KING WITH

ONE OF THE FOOTMAN FROM "DOWNTON ABBEY." IT IS GOOD TO SEE MY

OLD FRIENDS AT MSNBC. CHRIS MATTHEWS IS HERE. CHRIS MATTHEWS

HAS THE ONLY SHOW WHERE THE COMMERCIAL EXISTS JUST SO THEY CAN

WIPE THE SPITTLE OFF THE LENS. [LAUGHTER] DURING THE BOSTON

COVERAGE ON MSNBC LAST WEEK, CHUCK TODD STOPPED A PUNDIT FROM

SPECULATING ON ON FIRE SIDE -- UNVERIFIED INFORMATION. THERE IS

NO JOKE HERE. I'M JUST LETTING THE PEOPLE AT CNN KNOW THAT YOU

CAN DO THAT. [LAUGHTER] THIS IS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. FOX NEWS

STAR BILL O'REILLY, HE HAS BECOME QUITE THE AUTHOR. TWO RECENT

BESTSELLERS, " KILLING KENNEDY" AND "KILLING LINCOLN." BILL

O'REILLY IS NOW WORKING ON HIS NEXT BOOK, DUE OUT THIS FALL,

THIS TIME ABOUT THE KILLING OF JESUS. IT WILL BE THE FIRST TIME

IN HISTORY THAT HIS DEATH IS BLAMED ON OBAMACARE. [LAUGHTER]

TWO QUICK SHOUT OUTS TO PBS AND NPR. PBS -- YES! [APPLAUSE]

THOSE PEOPLE LOVE TO PARTY. BE SAFE, WHERE A TOTE BAG. IT

WORKS. YOU HAVE GOT TO LOVE NPR. STILL THE NUMBER ONE SOURCE

FOR NEWS DELIVERED AS IF THERE IS A TODDLER SLEEPING IN THE

NEXT ROOM. [LAUGHTER] SHH! NBC NEWS IS IN THE HOUSE. THEY HAVE

HAD A ROUGH GO OF IT. THE TODAY SHOW LET GO OF INQUIRY. AFTER

BEING TOLD THAT AN CURRY SAID, HOW BROKER TELLS THE WORLD THAT

HE CRAFTED ANSWER THE WHITE HOUSE AND I AM GETTING FIRED? AL IS

THE REASON THERE ARE NO MORE CHORES OF THE WHITE HOUSE, THEY'RE

STILL HOSING DOWN. [CROWD OOHS] BRIAN WILLIAMS IS HERE. I AM A

BIG FAN OF YOUR SHOW. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT, IMAGINE BRAND

DELIVERING THE EVENING NEWS ON A DIFFERENT FLOOR OF THE

BUILDING, A LITTLE LATER, WITH A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT TYPE. IT IS

A MIND BLOWER. CHECK IT OUT. AS I LOOK ALL AROUND THE ROOM, I

REALIZE THIS IS ONE BIG HIGH SCHOOL CAFETERIA. THAT IS ALL IT

IS. THINK ABOUT IT. FOX IS THE JOCKS. MSNBC IS THE NERDS.

LOGGERS ARE THE COSTS -- BLOGGERS ARE THE GOTHS. NPR IS THE

TABLE FOR KIDS WITH PEANUT ALLERGIES. [LAUGHTER] AL JAZEERA IS

THE WEIRD FOREIGN- EXCHANGE STUDENT NOBODY TALKS TO. AND MEDIA,

YOU ARE THE POOR KID WHO DIED SOPHOMORE YEAR IN A CAR CRASH.

[LAUGHTER] CHEER UP, WE DEDICATE THE YEARBOOK TO YOU. OF

COURSE, THE BIGGEST OR THAT PEOPLE COVERED THIS PAST YEAR WAS

THE REPUBLICANS FAILURE TO REPACK -- RECAPTURE THE WHITE HOUSE.

HARDLY FIT IN FAIR -- HARD TO BELIEVE THEY DID NOT FARE BETTER

WITH THIS PORT OF CELEBRITIES LIKE TED NUGENT AND MEET HOUSE.

-- MEATLOAF. THEY UNDERESTIMATED THE NUMBER OF VOTERS WHO STILL

DRIVE CARPETED VANS. [LAUGHTER] THE REPUBLICAN PARTY'S ON THE

MEND. ONE RISING STAR ON THE RIGHT IS SENATOR MARCO RUBIO. OR

AS HE IS KNOWN IN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, OUR BLACK GUY.

[LAUGHTER] AS OF TODAY COME IN THE U.S. SENATE HAS A NUMBER OF

AFRICAN- AMERICAN SENATORS. TWO. TWO. IN OTHER WORDS, THERE ARE

NOW MORE AFRICAN-AMERICANS IN THE SENATE AND IN A MUMFORD AND

SONS CONCERT. THANK YOU, YOUNGER PEOPLE. PAUL RYAN -- I DON'T

UNDERSTAND! WHAT'S HE BABBLING ABOUT? [LAUGHTER] WHO IS THIS

MAN? PAUL RYAN RECENTLY -- HE REALLY BURST THROUGH WHEN HE RAN

FOR VICE PRESIDENT. AFTER THE ELECTION, HE SAID PRESIDENT OBAMA

WAS REELECTED BECAUSE OF THE HIGH TURNOUT OF URBAN VOTERS.

WHEN HE WAS ASKED HOW HE LIKED HIS COFFEE HE SAID, NO MILK, NO

SUGAR, JUST URBAN. [LAUGHTER] THERE IS RNC CHAIRMAN WRITES

PREVIOUS -- REINCE PRIEBUS. TONIGHT HE IS SITTING BETWEEN HIS

BROTHERS LATHER AND REPEAT. [LAUGHTER] HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER

ERIC CANTOR IS HERE. OR ACOLYTE REFERRED TO HIM, YET ANOTHER

JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SELF -- OR AS I LIKE TO REFER TO

HIM, YET ANOTHER JEWISH REPUBLICAN FROM THE SOUTH. ALSO JOINING

US, A CONDIMENT FROM NEW YORK NAMED STEVE ISRAEL. HE IS FROM

NEW YORK AND HIS NAME IS ISRAEL. THERE IS PANDERING, AND THEN

THERE IS PANDERING. THAT IS LIKE HAVING A CONGRESSMAN FROM

SOUTH CAROLINA NAMED JESUS H GONE TO -- JESUS H. GUN.

[LAUGHTER] YOU'VE GOT TO USE THIS THING, IT IS FANTASTIC.

[GAVEL POUNDS] I MENTIONED CHRIS CHRISTIE EARLIER, GOVERNOR

CHRISTIE AND SHAQUILLE O'NEAL ARE SITTING AT THE SAME DINNER

TABLE. LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR THE REAL UNSUNG HERO TONIGHT, THEIR

WAITER. [LAUGHTER] THAT POOR BASTARD. GOING TO LOSE AN ARM

WILL. -- AN ARM. AND WE HAVE ONE OR TWO SUPREME COURT JUSTICES.