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  • - I was gonna ask if I could,

  • if I could hit your button, but I guess it's too late?

  • - Honey, you can hit my button anytime you want.

  • - (laughing) Oh!

  • (upbeat rock music)

  • Hey, guys!

  • I'm Glamdora, and this is my new show on Crypt TV.

  • Yes, Crypt TV was dumb enough to give me my own show,

  • and I'm really glad you found it somehow.

  • Life is magical.

  • This show is a show for all of you out there,

  • whether you're horror fans or not.

  • Who gives a shit?

  • You're here, I'm here, we're all in this together,

  • and I think we're all the same, you know?

  • We have hopes, and dreams,

  • and kill lists, and a super fucked up family, right?

  • Every week we're gonna learn some lessons together.

  • (whacking) (moaning)

  • And this week's lesson is how to be happy.

  • (imposing music)

  • Here's a list of things that will definitely

  • not make you happy.

  • Asking for a follow back on Instagram.

  • Begging for an incubus to relinquish his grasp

  • on your throat has he submerges you in the lake of fire.

  • We've all been there.

  • Just make better choices.

  • Sorting Crypt TV's YouTube videos by newest.

  • (winces) It's it's not getting any better.

  • Guys whose only personality trait is, "I have a beard."

  • We get it.

  • Responding "Choke me, daddy" to a celeb on Twitter.

  • It's crazy how things catch on,

  • but I would advise against that.

  • Okay, guys, let's learn how to be happy

  • with our very first guest, James, AKA Dead Meat!

  • (horn blares)

  • My first (bleep) damn guest

  • started his YouTube channel in 2017

  • and has already amassed over one million subscribers.

  • He studied at the University of Michigan.

  • Here he is, Raw Dog!

  • (cheering)

  • - Uh, Dead Meat.

  • - That's what I said.

  • - Hi.

  • It's me, Raw Dog.

  • Dead Meat.

  • - What do you think about my, uh,

  • torture slash pleasure chamber?

  • - Oh, yeah, it's like kind of a Hellraiser type

  • walkin' the line there.

  • No, it seems very, uh, prepared.

  • - You seem like a friendly dude,

  • but how come you count kills for a living?

  • - Fake kills, yeah.

  • - You ever really killed anybody?

  • - No.

  • - Would you be honest in this moment if you had?

  • - No.

  • - So horror-- - Mm-hmm.

  • - What attracted you to the genre?

  • - I like being scared.

  • Ohh, see?

  • That was great!

  • Nice.

  • (chuckles) I don't know what that is, but all right.

  • - I was being possessed.

  • - That's what demons do?

  • - Is that what demons do?

  • You know I'm demonic, right?

  • - Yeah.

  • - What is your most favorite kill of all time?

  • Your top, number one most favorite kill

  • that you jerk off to the most.

  • - Sure, sure, yeah.

  • Uh, so I'd say probably, like, the Jason X kill

  • where he freezes her face in liquid nitrogen,

  • then slams it against the table, and just bursts everywhere.

  • (nitrogen hisses)

  • (smashing)

  • - What's the scariest thing about Michigan?

  • - All the unemployment.

  • - Yeah. - Yeah.

  • - James? - Yeah.

  • - What're your dreams?

  • - Oh.

  • Uh, dreams like in general? - Yeah.

  • - I guess like world peace,

  • and people not being hungry. - Mm-hmm.

  • - And-- - Anything, like, attainable?

  • (sighs)

  • - What are your fears?

  • What's your deepest fear?

  • - Ironically, death.

  • - Really? - Yeah.

  • - So this how you deal with it.

  • - I think so, I think that's how I cope.

  • - You know we're like already dead, basically.

  • Like, this is like a (clicks tongue) and then poo!

  • - Oh.

  • - Not for me, I'm immortal.

  • - No, yeah, that must be nice.

  • - N'eh, it gets old.

  • - What was your least favorite century?

  • - 1300s. - 1300s?

  • - I was a nun, it sucked!

  • - Sorry. - Plus--

  • - What was your favorite century?

  • - Ooh!

  • Um, it was the last year of the Roman Empire,

  • was (bleep) insane.

  • - Oh, was it just like people running around like,

  • "Oh, God, it's all over?"

  • - Everyone was bleeding, cumming, and it was crazy.

  • - Yeah, it sounds awesome.

  • - Yeah, it was (bleep) awesome.

  • What's your favorite horror movie?

  • - John Carpenter's The Thing.

  • - Ooh! - Yeah.

  • - Why?

  • - Everything.

  • (screaming) (screeching)

  • It's pretty dope. You ever see it?

  • - Mm-hmm, yeah, I've seen everything.

  • - I guess that's a benefit of being immortal.

  • - What horror movies are you looking forward to coming up?

  • - I mean, there's that new Halloween coming out.

  • I wanna see if they can make a good Halloween again.

  • - You don't think they can?

  • - (chuckling) The series doesn't have a good track record.

  • - All right, Raw Dog, Dead Meat, whatever your name is.

  • We're gonna play--

  • - Where did Raw Dog come from?

  • - Do you know what that is? (scoffs)

  • - Well, yeah.

  • - Have you ever done it?

  • - Uh,

  • what's this game?

  • - We're gonna play a game called Glamazon,

  • where I'm gonna go through your Amazon purchases

  • and I'm gonna make fun of you.

  • - Okay.

  • It's just a lot of Blu Rays, dude.

  • - Blu Rays?

  • - [James] Mm-hmm.

  • - Why do you need Blu Rays when you can just stream shit?

  • - I'm a physical man.

  • - Prove it.

  • - (chuckles) Uh--

  • - Pretty much everything on the internet is public.

  • Who you followed, who liked your Instagram,

  • who watched your story, how much you paid

  • your drug dealer on Venmo.

  • But what is still secret is your Amazon purchase history,

  • until now, my friend Raw Dog.

  • Give me your phone, please.

  • (idle rock music)

  • So willing.

  • - Yeah.

  • - Dang.

  • - It's just Blu Rays.

  • - There is a lot of Blu Rays on here.

  • - I'm not lying. - All right.

  • - Oh, my God!

  • A black bath loofa sponge shower poof body?

  • - Mm-hmm.

  • - Why are there so many words in that description

  • that say the same thing?

  • It's just a loofa.

  • I don't use a loofa.

  • - You don't?

  • - If I bathe, I just splash out my, you know.

  • - Oh. - My (bleep).

  • - Yeah. - Yeah.

  • - I do a little more than that,

  • so I need a loofa. - Okay, well, good for you.

  • - What? - What?

  • - What? - What?

  • - [James] Quit lookin' at my loofa.

  • - Quit looking at my face. - Okay.

  • - All right, all the Blu Rays,

  • we've got Sorority Row, Jennifer's Body,

  • Cabin in the Woods.

  • You jerk off a lot.

  • Okay, Maybelline dream velvet soft matte--

  • - Yeah, it's real nice.

  • - What is this?

  • - It's a makeup.

  • - You wear makeup?

  • - A little bit of cover, you know.

  • - We got a shit ton of batteries for all his sex toys.

  • - Mm-hmm.

  • - Blue adult indoor hairball control.

  • Now is that for your wife or your cat?

  • - That's for my cat. (cat hacks and meows)

  • - More Blu Rays, the Mutilator, Blood Rage,

  • Pieces, It Comes at Night, so does this guy,

  • the Devil's Candy, that's my pussy,

  • the Witch.

  • - A Foreman grill. (sizzling)

  • - Let's play another game.

  • All right, James.

  • - Sup?

  • - Let's play kill, torture, (bleep).

  • See if your relationship survives.

  • Kill, torture, (bleep)?

  • Smash Mouth, attorney general Jeff Sessions, Dennis Rodman.

  • - Oh, shit.

  • - Hurry!

  • - I'll (bleep) Rodman.

  • He's so athletic!

  • - Okay, who you gonna kill, who you gonna torture?

  • - I guess I'll, I guess I'll kill Sessions,

  • don't, don't come at me, FBI,

  • and, uh, you know, All Star has been torture for many of us,

  • so it's only right.

  • ♪ All that glitters is gold ♪

  • - Kill, torture, (bleep), Busta Rhymes,

  • Shonda Rhimes, Leann Rimes.

  • - Damn, I'll, uh,

  • (bleep) uh, Shonda Rhimes.

  • - Yeah.

  • - And then I'll kill Leann.

  • - Which, why?

  • - Uh, just 'cause I don't want to torture her.

  • She didn't do anything.

  • - Knew you'd put her out of her misery.

  • - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • And then Busta, it's like, dude,

  • Halloween Resurrection.

  • Come on, man.

  • - Trick or treat, mother (bleep).

  • (shouting)

  • - Kill, torture, (bleep).

  • Me, you,

  • and that white guy over there.

  • - That white guy?

  • - Yeah, that white guy.

  • - Just to avoid gettin' in any trouble, I'll (bleep) me.

  • - We know, you love to (bleep) yourself.

  • You order Blu Rays, and then you watch who gets killed,

  • and then get off on it.

  • - That's right.

  • - That's right, you heard it here!

  • - And we have a rapport, so I guess just go ahead and,

  • well, no, are you into torture?

  • - I'm into everything, honey.

  • - Well, then I'll go ahead and torture you,

  • 'cause that might be doing you like a favor.

  • - Thank you so much.

  • - Yeah, and then I'll just, I'll just kill you dude.

  • - Yeah, sorry.

  • Sometimes things work out so beautifully.

  • - (chuckles) Yeah.

  • - What's your sign?

  • - I don't believe in that shit.

  • - Giggles, Look-See and the Birch.

  • - I'll fuck Giggles.

  • - How?

  • - What do you mean how?

  • - I'm just like--

  • - You want details?

  • - Yeah, I want details.

  • - I'm not a smut peddler.

  • - Uh-huh.

  • (chuckles)

  • Okay, okay.

  • Who're you gonna kill, who you gonna torture?

  • - Ah, man.

  • I guess I'll torture Look-See.

  • - How're you gonna torture him?

  • - Chinese water torture.

  • - Okay. - Yeah.

  • - And I'll kill Birch.

  • Just hack her down!

  • - Hack 'er down! - Whatever, man.

  • - Hack that bitch down. - Yeah.

  • - Let Shonda Rhimes watch.

  • (chuckles)

  • All right, well, I ran outta cards, so--

  • - You shoulda been more prepared.

  • - I'm ready.

  • (chuckles)

  • (gasps) That was incredible.

  • You were incredible.

  • Thank you for being my guest,

  • thank you for what just happened that we had to cut out,

  • and we're done.

  • - With the show?

  • - No, not with the whole show,

  • because we're gonna do a segment called Just the Tip

  • where I give you tips.

  • Just the tips, just little tips.

  • Better advice, it's advice.

  • I'm gonna give you advice.

  • - About what?

  • - None of your (bleep) damn business.

  • Here are a few every day ways

  • you can make yourself and others happy.

  • Maybe just spell your kid's name the regular way.

  • A-E-S-H-L-E-I-G-H is still just Ashley.

  • Don't give out that garbage unmarked

  • orange and black candy for Halloween.

  • If you're doing a sex scene in a movie,

  • don't just thrust it in there like eight times

  • and then finish.

  • And then she goes to bed without peeing?

  • She's gonna get a UTI,

  • and she definitely didn't cum.

  • Don't even offer someone a Starburst

  • if you only have yellow left.

  • It's insulting, you pieces of shit.

  • And that's Just the Tip, that's all you need.

  • Poof, you're in my living lair.

  • You escaped the bedroom! - Ooh.

  • - Yeah!

  • - How do you feel about that?

  • - Well, uh--

  • - You're a lucky guy, let me tell you that.

  • All right, so you're like an expert on horror film kills.

  • Is that correct? - Sure.

  • - So why is everyone so dumb in a horror movie?

  • Like, why don't you just get in your car and leave?

  • Leave the country, get out of there.

  • - It's a good question, it sucks.

  • - Yeah, okay?

  • Another dumb thing people do in horror movies

  • is they're like, "No, honey, it's just the wind."

  • You know what I mean? - Mm-hmm.

  • - It's never just the wind.

  • It's never just the wind.

  • Except for in this game, sometimes it is just the wind.

  • This is the game called Just the Wind.

  • - Ooh.

  • - All right, here's how this is gonna go.

  • When I hit my little button, you're gonna hear a noise.

  • It's either gonna be the wind,

  • or it's gonna be something else.

  • You have to tell me if it's the wind

  • or if it's something else.

  • - Simple enough.

  • - Simple enough I say, too.

  • (giggles) - Mm-hmm.

  • - Okay!

  • Are you ready to go?

  • - Yeah!

  • (chainsaw revs)

  • Well, that's a chainsaw.

  • - Hell, yeah, that's a chainsaw!

  • - (chuckles) Yeah.

  • - Let's hear it again.

  • (chainsaw buzzes)

  • Here's the next one.

  • (eerie music) (inexplicable noises)

  • Tell me exactly what that is.

  • - Sinister deep throating?

  • - Ho my God,

  • you are the smiliest sex freak

  • I've ever met in my life.

  • All right, no, that is Shelley from Crypt TV.

  • (wet chopping)

  • Here's the next one.

  • ♪ Woo, I don't need a hand to hold ♪

  • - So that was like one of your torture devices, right?

  • Within the fires of hell?

  • - You think I torture people with G-Easy?

  • - (chuckles) Yeah.

  • - All right.

  • I don't give away all my secrets.

  • Next!

  • (blowing)

  • - That's like a baby monitor

  • when there's a ghost in the room,

  • and you're like, "Oh no,

  • "my baby's in danger from a ghost!"

  • - No, honey, it's just the wind! (snickers)

  • - [Borat] Wah-wah-wee-wah, it's very nice!

  • Wah-wah-wee-wah, it's very nice!

  • - That's, uh, that's Borat.

  • - Yeah. Or is it the wind pretending to be Borat?

  • - No, it's just Borat, yeah. - No, it's just Borat, okay.

  • (door creaks)

  • (growling breathing)

  • - (chuckles) That kinda sounded like an alien.

  • - Well, it's not an alien.

  • It's Troubled Youth, only on Crypt TV.

  • - Oh, okay, the dog one.

  • (snarling)

  • - Yeah.

  • Next.

  • (blowing)

  • - That's just the wind.

  • - That's just the wind!

  • - Nice!

  • - Give yourself a round of applause.

  • - Man, I was gonna ask if I could,

  • if I could hit your button,

  • but I guess it's too late?

  • - Honey, you can hit my button anytime you want.

  • - (chuckles) Oh!

  • - Well, my friend, you did terribly,

  • yet you still won the opportunity to plug anything you want.

  • Anything you want at all, you get this time to plug.

  • As long as it's for Crypt TV.

  • Jesus Christ.

  • So you have to plug something from Crypt TV.

  • - Well, it is from Crypt TV!

  • - Oh, thank (bleep) God!

  • - Yeah, ha-ha!

  • I'm in Look-See season two,

  • which is an awesome web series.

  • And in fact, it's so awesome,

  • here's an exclusive sneak peak at it!

  • (creaking)

  • (eerie, ambient music)

  • (other-worldly screeching)

  • (spooky, menacing music)

  • So that is coming soon on Crypt TV.

  • Make sure you watch it!

  • I'm in it.

  • - It's not that the only thing

  • that's coming soon on Crypt TV.

  • - Oh, what else?

  • - Thanks for coming by, Dead Meat,

  • AKA James, AKA Raw Dog.

  • Now go make more videos about how awesome we are.

  • - Okay.

  • - Okay.

  • - [James] Should I just--

  • - Go.

  • I have shit to do.

  • - Is there like a gift bag, or--

  • - (bleep) No. - Okay.

  • - The gift bag is you not bleeding out

  • all over my couch right now, you (bleep).

  • Wowee, can you believe it's almost the end

  • of my first YouTube show

  • about how to be happy,

  • that theme we deeply explored

  • throughout the episode entirely?

  • Wow, I sure have learned a lot,

  • not only from my gorgeous guest,

  • but also from scouring all of the internet

  • in literal seconds.

  • I'm a magical demon, may I remind you.

  • So here's some tips on how to be happy.

  • Run away when things get difficult.

  • Blame your problems on others,

  • they're 100% trying to sabotage your happiness.

  • Always become angry and defensive

  • when someone offers help.

  • Never communicate, always assume.

  • Well, there you have it.

  • Come back next week for more important life lessons,

  • awesome guests that will leave here

  • and immediately fire their agents

  • for not telling them that most of my questions

  • are about weird sex stuff.

  • My name's Glamdora, by the way.

  • I think I mentioned, that's probably on screen somewhere.

  • Anyway, curb stomp that like button,

  • felch that subscribe button,

  • and don't look that last word up.

  • See you next time, Abra-glam Lincolns.

  • Who writes this sh--

  • (ambient music)

  • - [Narrator] Watch new scary vids every Tuesday,

  • Thursday and Friday.

  • (energetic electronic music)

- I was gonna ask if I could,

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