Thisfirstone´s from @jeremyart. Shesays,''OnetimeIcalledmymomandsheasked, 'Areyoudrunkdialingme?'' I toldherno, ansshesaid,'Well, I'm drunkanswering.''
Lastcall.
Thisone´s from @emilyscoby.Shesays, ''A cashieroncecardedmeandsaid, ''Oh, yourbirthdayisOctober 2nd, ThatmeansyourparentsdiditonNewYear's Eve!''
Thisone´s from @MexicanSamoan. Hesays--
RightthereisTMIalmost.
That's TMI, yeah. Tellmeeverythingabouthim. Hesays, ''Onetime a randomguyusingtheurinalnexttometoldmeheknewhowtoplanthe ''perfectmurder.''
Don't wanttopissthatguyoff.
Thisone's from @camdfish. Shesays,'' A clientonthephoneonceaskedmeto ''makethebirthdaycakeasuglyaspossiblebecause I hatethiswoman's guts.''
Whyevengether a cake?
I don´t know, man.
Giveher a sockonthenose.
Thisisfrom -- Kuh--jade? Kuh--ji--
Kay-ya-day? Key-hade?
K-E-J-A-D-E.
CouldbeKey-yah-day? Kuh-jade?
Kej-dee?
Shazh.
It's pronounced "Shazh." Shesays,''Mygrandmatoldmeshebought a dressforherfuneralandshewasgonnagiveit a testrunatmywedding.''
Thanks a lot.
Youneverknow.
Thisone´s from @CXO-Insights. Shesays,''A womansittingnexttomeat ''Hamilton'' toldmethatthekeytoavoidinglongrestroomlinesatthetheatrewastowearanadultdisper.''
Can I changeseats, please?
Thislastonehereisfrom @-jeffreyhudson. Hesays,''Myfamilywashaving a party, and I offeredmygrandmamorecake. Shesaid, 'No, thanks, honey,' thenwinkedatmygrandpaandsaid, 'I'm gonnahavemorecakelater.'''
Thereyouhaveit.
Thoseareour "TonightShow" hashtags.
Tocheckoutmoreofourfavorites,
gotoTonightShow.com/hashtags.
Now I thought I'd sharesomeofmyfavorite
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