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  • (typing)

  • - Hey!

  • Okay, so I got two different types of tile

  • that we can choose from, and I think this one's nice.

  • It's a little bit more simple.

  • And then this--

  • - No, I told you, you do the tiles.

  • I don't care.

  • I don't have an opinion and I have to get this pitch done

  • for Adventure Baby.

  • I don't even know what I'm doing.

  • - Okay. - Okay?

  • - Please, please, please, please.

  • Take this.

  • Take this away.

  • - Alright, I'll figure it out.

  • - Thank you.

  • - I'm sorry.

  • (keyboard clacking)

  • Jason?

  • - What?

  • - Have you been using my iPad?

  • - Your iPad?

  • - Oh, no.

  • You've been going to porn sites.

  • - No, no I haven't.

  • - Do not masturbate with my iPad, Jason.

  • And you're busy.

  • Oh, yeah, you're so busy.

  • You're busy masturbating with my iPad.

  • That's how busy you are.

  • - The internet is so fast on there.

  • I'm sorry.

  • - Jason, why are you masturbating anyway, huh?

  • Hello, I'm open for business.

  • - Yeah.

  • - And you look great. I just...

  • You know, we've been getting along so well lately.

  • I don't want to ruin the friendship.

  • (cymbal tapping)

  • - Hey.

  • - (Woman) Hey there.

  • - Oooo! Whoa! Whoa, look at that.

  • Lookin' good. That's the old...that's the old nighty.

  • That's the little action nighty.

  • - (Woman) Yes.

  • - Yep.

  • - We can do it tonight.

  • - You know what? I really, I really...

  • I would love to, it's just...

  • Can I be honest?

  • - Of course. What?

  • - You won't tell anyone?

  • - Who am I gonna tell?

  • - Okay. I've just been like...

  • I'm really bumming out about my penis lately.

  • - What?

  • - It's really small.

  • - No it's not. It really isn't.

  • - No it's...it's... - It's fine.

  • - I stand in the mirror and I'm like, what's going on?

  • It's so small.

  • It's just not...and it's not fun.

  • It's not fun for me having a small penis.

  • It's like, it's like having someone in your band

  • that isn't good.

  • You know? It's like...

  • It just ruins all of it.

  • - Have you been watching too much porn?

  • - I have been watching a lot of porn.

  • - How much would you say you've been masterbating?

  • - Like three or four everyday.

  • Is that a lot?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Yeah. That is a lot.

  • - That's a lot.

  • - Well hey, got no problem in that area.

  • Lot of guys have problems.

  • Not me.

  • - Dad! It's me.

  • Hello!

  • Jason can you come in here please?

  • I don't under... - (Jason) What?!

  • - Can you come in here and help with the...?

  • I don't under... - (Jason) The what?

  • - With the Facetime on the I...

  • I don't understand if it's work...

  • Dad, hi!

  • - I can hear you but I can't see you.

  • Where are you?

  • - (Jason) Hold on.

  • - Okay look for the camera guys.

  • - Hold on.

  • - I see...hi.

  • - Hi.

  • - I see you. That...

  • - Is that you live?

  • I mean it's not a video?

  • This is really you now, live?

  • - Yes! You're talking to me right now.

  • What kind of ques...

  • What are you...

  • Can you hear me?

  • - You know, we went to a party today

  • and we really had a great time.

  • - Jason we thought about you.

  • There was a clown. He was fabulous

  • but you would have been better.

  • - Yeah, you know, maybe Jason

  • you should think about doing some clowning

  • at some parties for kids.

  • You know, you've given this comedy thing a shot

  • but let's get real, it's not...

  • I don't think it's really working out for you.

  • Maybe you should try clowning. - I, I don't want

  • to be a party clown Joe. - No he's...

  • I don't want to be. - Stop, stop, stop.

  • That's not what I want to do with my life. So...

  • - Just stop. Just stop.

  • Dad he's not gonna be a clown alright?

  • Just enough with the clown?

  • - I'm not a clown.

  • - He doesn't...he doesn't even know how

  • to make the balloon animals.

  • There's like...

  • No, he's not a clown.

  • - It's not the same thing.

  • A stand up is not the same thing as a clown.

  • I know that you think that it is.

  • - Wait, just stop. J, J. Just stop, just stop.

  • - Are you sure this is you live?

  • We're talking live?

  • Real time?

  • (jazz music)

  • - (Jason) Oh my god.

  • Okay. Okay here we go.

  • You ready?

  • - Yeah, yeah.

  • - Are you ready?

  • - Yeah!

  • - Okay. - Okay, Jason...

  • - (Jason) Oh god that's it. - You're like...

  • - (Jason) Oh god that's good. Oh wow.

  • - What?

  • - (Jason) Ugh!

  • - What?!

  • - Ugh! Oooo god! Whooo!

  • Oh my god baby! Oh my god that's good! Whoo!

  • Oh my god.

  • - That was it?

  • - You're so good. Is that not good?

  • - No that wasn't good.

  • That was weird and aweful.

  • - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

  • You know what it is?

  • You are so hot.

  • It's, it's...

  • You know what it is?

  • It's a compliment.

  • You're so, you're so hot.

  • You know what?

  • You're the real thing and no more porn for me.

  • - Alright well...

  • I guess thanks for the compliment.

  • - You're welcome.

  • I love you.

  • - Yeah...

  • I'm gonna just...I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

  • - Okay.

  • Oh you know what I would love right now?

  • Doritos.

  • - (Gasp) I think I hear her.

  • Listen Mom, I'm gonna go get her.

  • - Go, go ahead!

  • Go get the baby, we want to see her!

  • - So just don't disconnect

  • cause I don't want to go through that again okay?

  • (moans)

  • - What's going on?

  • - I don't know.

  • What...what is that?

  • What are we seeing?

  • (screams)

  • - (Woman) Yes! Yes!

  • - (Gasp) Oh my god!

  • - (Woman) Yes! Yes!

  • - No wonder he doesn't want to get a job!

  • He sits around the house jerking off all day!

  • - Oh my god!

  • Oh no! - (Woman) Yes!

  • Oh god, oh god!

  • - J?

  • (knocks)

  • - Are you in there?

  • (knocks)

  • Do you have my I-pad?

  • - Oh my god.

  • - Mom?

  • Are you here?

  • Got disconnected.

  • Come here Char.

  • (band music)

(typing)

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