in New York, "The Daily Show with Trevor Noah" presents...

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- If you think Donald Trump has problems with Muslim women,

wait until you hear what British politician

Boris Johnson said this week.

- Boris Johnson set out to criticize Denmark

for banning burqas in a recent column for "The Telegraph,"

but instead, he became the subject of scrutiny himself

after insulting the women who wear them.

Johnson said, among other things...

- What?

You know what's crazy about this story?

It's that he said that while criticizing Denmark

for banning the burqa.

Like, he was, like, "How dare you target

"these mailbox-looking people?

"You guys need to work on your tolerance, you--

what, what, now I'm in trouble? Oh, I see what happened."

Damn, Boris. Like, the guy probably

had one bad experience putting a letter

inside a woman with a burqa, and now he's trying

to play it off like we all get them confused.

And also, just--by the way, maybe Boris Johnson

isn't the best person to be criticizing

the way other people look. All right?

Like, maybe he should be wearing a burqa.

Like, what's going on over there?

Look at this guy! He looks like he just

got out of the shower, but somehow,

it made him dirtier. That's what he looks like.

Like, Boris Johnson looks like if Donald Trump drank.

That's what he looks like. He looks like if Owen Wilson

was addicted to meth and chocolate.

That's what he looks like.

[whimsical music]

♪ ♪

- Nearly three years after voting

to leave the European Union,

the UK still can't figure out how to actually do it.

Right now, Brexit is the world's

biggest "escape the room." That's all this is.

Everyone's just confused, like,

[British accent] "Have you tried writing

a new trade agreement?"

"Doesn't work, it's not working."

"What about the Irish border?" "It's stuck, it's stuck."

"Expelliarmus!" "That's not a real thing."

"Well, it was worth a try."

[Scottish accent] "Ah, or we could just

"stay in the room. I like the room.

I don't want to leave the room."

[British accent] "Well, bloody hell, it wouldn't

be an 'escape the room' if we didn't escape, did it?"

"Well, I know this seems complicated,

but let me break it down for you."

"John Oliver!

John Oliver, you're here to save us."

"No, actually, I live in America now,

"so this is your [bleep] problem.

"But I do have a very funny way to explain

"how totally [bleep] screwed you are.

So bloody [bleep] screwed."

"Oh, my God!" So that's basically Brexit.

Uh--

[cheers and applause]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[soft string music]

♪ ♪

The British parliament, this week,

has been working on a vote for their upcoming Brexit deal,

and it has been a complete shitshow.

Or as the British call it, a parade of poo.

And yesterday, one MP snapped.

- A liberal member of the House of Commons did this.

He took matters into his own hands

by attempting to remove the mace from the chamber.

Now, the mace is basically a gold crown

on a five foot gold stick.

It represents the authority of the Queen in Parliament,

and without the mace in the room,

they can't meet or pass laws.

- Put it down, put it back. No, no, no, no, no.

Order, order. No, no, no.

- Okay.

[laughter]

First of all, they can still make the laws.

It's just a stick.

And secondly, that was the most British heist

I've ever seen in my life.

It was like, "Pardon me, I'll be stealing this now.

Pardon me, pardon me."

And the other guy is like, "Actually, sir,

please refrain from that."

"You're right, there you are. Good day, good day."

And I also like that the Queen got so sick

of showing up in Parliament meetings,

she was just, like, "You know what?

"From now on, this stick is in charge.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to

spend some tax money on my 14th corgi."

[bright music]

♪ ♪

Just look at the British healthcare system.

Yes, you guys might have universal coverage

for all your citizens, but for one patient,

you done [bleep] up.

- A man has been mistakenly circumcised

while under the care of Leicester's Hospital,

according to a new report.

The patient was meant to be having a procedure

to look inside his bladder using a thin camera.

The error was revealed by the clinical commissioning group

in compiling so-called "never events"

because they should never happen.

- Oh, my word.

A patient was accidentally circumcised.

That is messed up.

Have you ever gone to the barber,

and then, they took a little too much off your hair?

Remember how you freaked out, yeah?

Now imagine if that happened to your dick.

Huh? Imagine.

Because you can't wear a hat on your dick to cover it up.

Yeah, you can't be, like,

"Sorry, it's just so bright out today.

The sun gets in my dick's eyes, yeah."

Accidentally circumcised?

Now I'm worried that they switched other charts.

Like, so someone else in the hospital

went home with an extra foreskin.

The friend was, like,

"I thought you were just getting Botox."

It's like, "That's what I thought, too!"

[laughter]

[applause]

And it's not just Britain's health service having issues.

It's also one of their airline companies.

Because British Airways-- you guys can say it with me.

all: You done [bleep] up!

- A British Airways flight headed for Germany

mistakenly ended up in Scotland.

- BA3271's supposed to fly from London

straight over the English channel and onto Germany.

Instead, the plane took off to the north,

flew over most of England before crossing

into Scotland and landing in Edinburgh.

The problem: A ground stamper typed the wrong airport code

into the flight plan and no one noticed.

The pilots assumed they were supposed to go to Edinburgh.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. British Airways

was trying to fly to Germany and flew to Scotland instead?

Man, Brexit is screwed.

I don't know how Britain is going to leave Europe

if they can't even find their way out of their own country.

Brexit will probably end up, like,

"We did it, we're out of the EU!"

We're inde--no, no, no, no.

Wait, wait, we're still in the EU.

And now, somehow, we've also joined the WNBA.

[laughter]

♪ ♪

- Moving onto my favorite story of the year,

and possibly my favorite story in my entire life.

- The concertina wire, or the razor wire

used to reinforce the US/Mexico border

is being stolen and sold by Tijuana residents

for protection due to the city's high crime rate,

according to officials.

Some homes in the area were also seen

with the same razor wire added

for an extra layer of protection,

but residents refused to say where they got the material.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- Oh, no, I'm sorry, guys. This is insane.

You heard that right. Mexico is stealing the wall.

[laughter]

Oh, man, oh, man, I wish I could have been there

when Donald Trump saw this story on the news.

Knowing him, he'd probably be, like,

"They did what? Nancy, I'm going to need

"you to spot me another $8 billion.

We're going to need another wall to protect the first one."

And I mean, now, if they're stealing

razor wire for their houses,

they might as well just steal the whole wall next, right?

Because no one's ever thought of that.

It was, like, "America will build a wall."

No one ever thought Mexico will steal it.

Like, Mexicans will be showing off

their new home security system, like--

"I built a wall around my house,

and Donald Trump paid for it."

[cheers and applause]

Oh, man.

Oh, wow.

Like, at this rate, at this rate,

Trump is just going to end up building all of Tijuana up.

They're going to start putting in requests from Mexico.

They'll be, like, "You know what's really good

"for keeping us out, Señor Trump?

"Yeah, garage doors, man.

"You should put those at the border.

"The ones that fold. Yeah, they scare us.

Almost as much as patio furniture, man."

[bright music]

We have to talk about the big news of the day.

And I mean big news.

- A man in Australia believes he owns

the largest steer in the country.

So this is the herd. Wait for it.

Look at this thing.

We're going to see it in just a second.

Oh, my goodness. - Oh, my gosh.

- Whoa, his name is Knickers.

- He is 6'4'' tall, and weighs almost 3,000 pounds.

That's almost as tall as Michael Jordan,

and as heavy as a Mini Cooper.

- Sweet Jesus.

[laughter]

I know there's tons of news

happening in the world right now.

I know there's Trump. I know there's things in Brexit

with Britain, I know. But look at that thing!

What is going on in Australia?

Why is every animal down under so weird?

Every animal. Their ducks have fur.

The kangaroos have a built-in tummy purse.

Like, I feel like Australia's

doping all their animals like they're Russian athletes.

There's just some crazy guy in Australia who's, like,

"Oh, yeah, I'm finished with my super spiders.

Now I'll make a cow the size of Michael Jordan."

What are you guys doing down there?

And honestly, like, that cow is so glorious, right?

I bet it's so glorious that last night,

the Pope converted to Hinduism.

He was, like, "You know what, they're right.

"Cows, man.

I've been rolling with Jesus for too long."

Now, when I saw this giant cow,

the first thing I thought was "this is some dope weed."

But a lot of other people saw that cow

and they took it to a really dark place.

- His massive size is also what saved him.

Knickers is too big for the meat processing facility,

so he will live out the rest of his life with his herd.

- He's too heavy for the abattoir,

so he'll leave out his days in the paddock.

- Unfortunately, some bad news if you like

an extra big T-bone steak.

- Why are you trying to eat the giant cow?

[laughter]