Rosemary's Little Baby 3D,

but...you know, licensing. And also that title, might give the consumer the wrong impression.

Because this baby is a lot

scarier.

It's My Little...F*cking Scariest Game Ever Made. 3D.

Quick, man! Fetch the holy water!

So this is basically Nintendogs with humans. Although...I mean, I don't know about the

whole "humans" part.

Because...these are some of the most hideous babies I've ever seen in my life. This is

more like an antichrist

simulator. I keep waiting to clean its hooves.

Or set its crib on fire, to keep it warm.

Point is...holy crap, these babies. And in this day and age, it's like...I mean, I don't

really understand the Internet

and the kids. With their trolling and...they never actually say a single meaningful or

serious thing in their lives.

It's all dumb jokes and memes, so...I don't know if there's a Nicolas Cage movie I haven't

seen, that might explain

this.

Or if it's, just...like, the mother did sumo during the pregnancy.

Either way, this is just...it's an unfortunate situation.

My Little Baby 3D is a baby simulator, but that's more of a label than a description.

You have about five things you

can actually do in this game. And for the most part, you only do anything when the nanny

tells you. She'll say, "Your

baby is dirty." That means take it to the bathroom, and either change its nappy, whatever

that is, or give it a bath.

Then, it's like, "Oh, your baby is hungry." So you feed it.

Now your baby is bored. Better give it a toy.

And eventually, it gets tired and you put it to sleep.

In fact, this game is more like a commentary on the process of actually playing it. You

get dirty, you get hungry, you

get bored...and then, you go to sleep.

The problem is, there's just not much to do. A lot of it's just a waiting game. Wait until

the baby needs something.

That might be an accurate assessment of parenthood, but that doesn't make a very entertaining

video game. And when you

do do something, it sort of the same thing over and over. The same touch-based minigames

just keep repeating

themselves.

But as far as the minigames go...I mean, again, "games" seems like a stretch. You drag the

bottle to the sterilizer,

which is apparently a device. You tilt the system to keep the icon in the square. You

go through the same motions to

bathe the baby, and then put cream on its ass, which is disgusting and I can't believe

I'm doing it.

I mean, if swiping and tapping things with a stylus is all it takes to make a game, there's

no reason Blackberry

should be in the pickle it's in. They're a leading maker, of video games.

I have no idea what the market even is, for a game like this. Like, is this for old people,

who can't breed anymore

but want to change someone's nappy other than their own? Or is it for little girls, who

kind of want a baby, but are

at least smart enough to do some research first? There's just no way to be sure, about

any of this. What I can tell

you is...My Little Baby 3D is neither well-made or fun. Also, it's expensive.

And creepy.