so, hi, here I am.

Yeah, they really made it known

that celebrities were something and

I remember, Charlton Heston came to town and

I was four years old and

everybody was crowding around

trying to get a good look at Charlton Heston.

And my dad put me on his shoulders

to get a better look at him

cause you know how four-year-olds love Charlton Heston.

He was using me as bait —

hoping that Charlton would go —

“Oh, cute little girl.”

And come over, you know.

Cause people do that to me.

If I'm out somewhere

and people have a baby

They'll hold it out towards me

like, for me to hold it

and I'm like, “This is cashmere, no.”

But you know, so then I grew up going —

“Oh, celebrities!”

I guess, everybody's like that but like —

I mean, I was 16.

I was younger than that I think

and Michael Jackson was in New Orleans

and I was so… I heard where he was —

that what street he was on

and so, I chased —

I didn't chase.

I was walking —

he was walking —

he started running —

I had to catch up.

And…

So I was excited by celebrities.

I was really like, you know —

and like I said —

Do you wanna finish laughing?

I don't wanna stop you.

But I really —

you know, as much as that was an imprint

that celebrities were special

and, you know, I knew that

I didn't think I was gonna be a celebrity.

I didn't have a talent —

I didn't play an instrument

I didn't sing —

I wasn't in drama class —

I didn't act, I wasn't a class clown

I was just kind of a regular kid.

And I didn't know what I was gonna do.

I graduate high school

I'm still lost

I just was doing anything to pay rent and

I shucked oysters, and

I sold vacuum cleaners

and I worked for a landscaping company

I was a waiter, which by the way

I was a waiter, which by the way I think everyone should wait tables at least once in their life.

I think everyone should wait tables at least once in their life.

[crowd cheers]

Yep.

That, and coal mining

cause that seems hard, too.

But I didn't know what I was gonna do and

my life changed when I was 21 years old

and my girlfriend at the time

was killed in a car accident

And

I passed the accident —

it had just happened.

I didn't know it was her cause

she was in a different car.

I almost stopped but then

sirens were right behind me and

showing up so I kept going and

I found out later it was her.

And… so…

I had to move out of the

place we were living cause

I couldn't afford to live there anymore.

I had no job —

I had no car, no money.

I moved into this tiny basement apartment

and you could hardly stand up in it.

It was two rooms and

I had a mattress on the floor

and the entire basement was

infested with fleas.

There were fleas everywhere.

And I was laying there and

I just couldn't believe

It was the first person I ever lost that I loved and

I was just… how is this possible?

This beautiful young girl is gone

and fleas are here.

I don't understand

what fleas do even.

I was so angry at fleas

and I was like…

And I just thought they must do something

because I do truly believe

that everything in nature works together.

Even if we don't understand it,

it does something for something else.

And I wanted to understand this.

And I thought

I would like to talk to God,

not just pray but I would love

to be able to pick up the phone

and call up God and ask questions

and get the answers.

'Cause I used to write all the time.

I journaled and I wrote poetry.

So I started writing what it would be like

to have a phone call with God

to find out why fleas are here.

and it wasn't meant to be funny.

I'd never done comedy before and

but I started thinking —

well, it would ring for a long time it's a big place

and then

he'd put me on hold because he's a busy guy and

Onward Christian Soldiers would play

but it was live, not a tape and —

I'm not gonna do the whole thing.

Go back and watch the special but

Anyway, I finished writing it.

I literally wrote without stopping.—

I finished writing it and I read it

and I said to myself —

“I'm gonna do this on Johnny Carson"

"and I'll be the first woman in the history of the show"

"to be called over to"

"to sit down to talk to Johnny Carson.”

And…

[crowd cheers]

I mean, I'm in a basement on a mattress

with fleas, never done comedy.

I make that statement —

six years later, this happens.

Thank you very much!

[brass band playing]

-That's well done!

-Thank you, thank you.

-Yeah, that's very clever and very fresh, and-

Well, that's wonderful hearing that from you.

-No, I mean it, it's good material.

-Thank you.

-How long you've been doing it?

[crowd applauds]