(news intro)

- [Announcer] From west Hollywood, California

the only news team that doesn't know

what's on the teleprompter before they read it.

Anyone who laughs, or breaks loses points.

This is Breaking News.

(news intro)

- Good evening and welcome to Breaking News.

The show where we don't know what we're about to say

and where we're not allowed to smile or laugh.

I'm Slender Pork Chop.

- And my name is Tickles.

- Our lead story tonight: Daddy came back to the today

and was very mad.

- Daddy said the kitchen was dirty and Daddy wanted food.

- And mad Daddy sure was hungry.

- Mad Daddy left to get food.

- Mad Daddy like big burger.

- Mad Daddy came back with a fat patty.

- Mad Daddy ate and went to sleep on the chair.

- If you've just joined us, Daddy is mad

he ate a burger patty, and is now asleep.

We'll make sure to get you more Daddy updates

as they come in.

- Allergy season is back.

So if you're a sneezy little thing

remember to avoid those scary flowers.

- Bad news for allergy mutants.

And now punching you hard with some sports news

it's Punchy Pete.

- That's right!

It's sports time!

I'm Punchy Pete.

Peach, Punchy Peach.

And I'm Peachy, and punchy.

The minor league Farmingdale Penises

are facing a team suspension

after they were caught doping with Jelly Belly's.

Coach Penis, who can only speak

in the language of the penises

defended the team at a press conference saying, and I quote

"Penis

penis."

After the statement, Mr. Penis swayed back and forth

and waddles off repeatedly muttering the P word.

And by that, I do mean "penis."

- Sorry to interrupt Punchy

but we're getting an update

from the homosexual deer community.

- The homosexual deer

are bravely protesting forest inequality.

- The deer have been lining up next to the highway

and chanting, "We're here, we're queer, we're deer."

- And now let's finish up sports with Punchy.

- We turn now to hockey.

Ding dong!

Who's there?

How about the Boston Bruins.

What do they do?

Well, they showed up for dinner and they are hungry.

I hope you got meat 'cause this team will eat it raw

and then burn down your house.

This is phenomenal team

who will piss on the ashes of your house after they burn it.

I predict this year we're gonna go turn it up

and dance on their own piss taunting you

the homeowner of the house.

These guys are fierce, and if you have insurance

the whole team will show up to terrify that you

to testify that you burned down your own house.

These guys mean business.

They're going to the top

and you're going to prison for arson and insurance fraud.

Back to you!

- Thanks homeslice.

A local study on men's health recently revealed

that police chief Gary has diarrhea.

- Sad to hear.

Wait, we're getting an update on Daddy.

It seems Daddy is mad again

because of the garage reeks of raccoon piss.

- Mad Daddy says

"Raccoons are getting in the pissy garage."

- Mad Daddy called the garage "A total raccoon piss fest"

and went to call animal control.

- But on Daddy's way to the phone

he slipped on spilled juice.

Mad Daddy stormed out of the house covered in juice.

- That story's developing.

- We'll keep you up to the minute

thanks to Daddy's daughter, sweet little Lucy.

And now with the celebrity news, let's go over to Van Bones.

- Thanks.

- Folks, he's a lady's man

but I'm not talking about the Fonz.

I'm talking about the actor who played the Fonz

Henry Winkler.

Last night Henry and his longtime wife Stacy

cuddled up to their favorite rom-com Bridget Jone's Diary.

But during the movie

we heard there was a major make out session.

Seems like there marriage is in great shape.

In other news, Hollywood power couple

Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen

were spotted at Horton's diner.

Allegedly they ordered a couple of biscuits

and they were splitting a bowl of gravy to dip in.

They were both doing crossword puzzles

and sometimes they'd look up at each other and smile.

I'll bet that's so nice.

I think about getting kisses all the time

and it makes me smile so much that I want to cry.

A kiss, one kiss would just be the greatest.

And if you'd like to meet me for a soda

and maybe some kisses in the parking lot after the soda

please tweet at the station.

Back to you!

- Thanks Van.

And we've just gotten word that after Daddy left the house

he accidentally stepped in a bucket of (beep).

- When Daddy came back to the house

he had juice on his body and poop on his foot.

Mommy kept asking why there was a bucket of poop?

- Mad Daddy realized how ridiculous the situation was

what with the bucket of poop, and he started to laugh

a big, deep man laugh.

Now, he's glad Daddy.

- It's nice when a story has a happy ending.

That's all for us today, but before we go we'll say

that our loser today is David Cyr Kerns.

- [Punchy] What?

- [Tickles] Thanks for watching!

- No, really?

- Daddy's gonna be mad.

- Daddy's gonna be real mad.

- Hi.

I still don't know what I'm about to say

because I'm a big, stupid idiot.

If you like that video, you can go to hell

and then you can go to dropout.tv

to start your free trial today.

For every episode of Breaking News that's here

there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.

Until next time I'm Grant O'Brien

which is Irish for Grant of Brien.