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(funky music)
(news intro)
- [Announcer] From west Hollywood, California
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs, or breaks loses points.
This is Breaking News.
(news intro)
- Good evening and welcome to Breaking News.
The show where we don't know what we're about to say
and where we're not allowed to smile or laugh.
I'm Slender Pork Chop.
- And my name is Tickles.
- Our lead story tonight: Daddy came back to the today
and was very mad.
- Daddy said the kitchen was dirty and Daddy wanted food.
- And mad Daddy sure was hungry.
- Mad Daddy left to get food.
- Mad Daddy like big burger.
- Mad Daddy came back with a fat patty.
- Mad Daddy ate and went to sleep on the chair.
- If you've just joined us, Daddy is mad
he ate a burger patty, and is now asleep.
We'll make sure to get you more Daddy updates
as they come in.
- Allergy season is back.
So if you're a sneezy little thing
remember to avoid those scary flowers.
- Bad news for allergy mutants.
And now punching you hard with some sports news
it's Punchy Pete.
- That's right!
It's sports time!
I'm Punchy Pete.
Peach, Punchy Peach.
And I'm Peachy, and punchy.
The minor league Farmingdale Penises
are facing a team suspension
after they were caught doping with Jelly Belly's.
Coach Penis, who can only speak
in the language of the penises
defended the team at a press conference saying, and I quote
"Penis
penis."
After the statement, Mr. Penis swayed back and forth
and waddles off repeatedly muttering the P word.
And by that, I do mean "penis."
- Sorry to interrupt Punchy
but we're getting an update
from the homosexual deer community.
- The homosexual deer
are bravely protesting forest inequality.
- The deer have been lining up next to the highway
and chanting, "We're here, we're queer, we're deer."
- And now let's finish up sports with Punchy.
- We turn now to hockey.
Ding dong!
Who's there?
How about the Boston Bruins.
What do they do?
Well, they showed up for dinner and they are hungry.
I hope you got meat 'cause this team will eat it raw
and then burn down your house.
This is phenomenal team
who will piss on the ashes of your house after they burn it.
I predict this year we're gonna go turn it up
and dance on their own piss taunting you
the homeowner of the house.
These guys are fierce, and if you have insurance
the whole team will show up to terrify that you
to testify that you burned down your own house.
These guys mean business.
They're going to the top
and you're going to prison for arson and insurance fraud.
Back to you!
- Thanks homeslice.
A local study on men's health recently revealed
that police chief Gary has diarrhea.
- Sad to hear.
Wait, we're getting an update on Daddy.
It seems Daddy is mad again
because of the garage reeks of raccoon piss.
- Mad Daddy says
"Raccoons are getting in the pissy garage."
- Mad Daddy called the garage "A total raccoon piss fest"
and went to call animal control.
- But on Daddy's way to the phone
he slipped on spilled juice.
Mad Daddy stormed out of the house covered in juice.
- That story's developing.
- We'll keep you up to the minute
thanks to Daddy's daughter, sweet little Lucy.
And now with the celebrity news, let's go over to Van Bones.
- Thanks.
- Folks, he's a lady's man
but I'm not talking about the Fonz.
I'm talking about the actor who played the Fonz
Henry Winkler.
Last night Henry and his longtime wife Stacy
cuddled up to their favorite rom-com Bridget Jone's Diary.
But during the movie
we heard there was a major make out session.
Seems like there marriage is in great shape.
In other news, Hollywood power couple
Ted Danson and Mary Steenburgen
were spotted at Horton's diner.
Allegedly they ordered a couple of biscuits
and they were splitting a bowl of gravy to dip in.
They were both doing crossword puzzles
and sometimes they'd look up at each other and smile.
I'll bet that's so nice.
I think about getting kisses all the time
and it makes me smile so much that I want to cry.
A kiss, one kiss would just be the greatest.
And if you'd like to meet me for a soda
and maybe some kisses in the parking lot after the soda
please tweet at the station.
Back to you!
- Thanks Van.
And we've just gotten word that after Daddy left the house
he accidentally stepped in a bucket of (beep).
- When Daddy came back to the house
he had juice on his body and poop on his foot.
Mommy kept asking why there was a bucket of poop?
- Mad Daddy realized how ridiculous the situation was
what with the bucket of poop, and he started to laugh
a big, deep man laugh.
Now, he's glad Daddy.
- It's nice when a story has a happy ending.
That's all for us today, but before we go we'll say
that our loser today is David Cyr Kerns.
- [Punchy] What?
- [Tickles] Thanks for watching!
- No, really?
- Daddy's gonna be mad.
- Daddy's gonna be real mad.
- Hi.
I still don't know what I'm about to say
because I'm a big, stupid idiot.
If you like that video, you can go to hell
and then you can go to dropout.tv
to start your free trial today.
For every episode of Breaking News that's here
there's another episode only available on dropout.tv.
Until next time I'm Grant O'Brien
which is Irish for Grant of Brien.