The Best of Hasan Minhaj Muslim Ban Women s Soccer and Canada | The Daily Show

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- Before we get into the special,
I always wanted to know,
what is your favorite memory of working at The Daily Show?
- Oh man,
uh, today.
- No, I mean like of, of like all time.
- No, right now, this is great.
- No, I know you're really enthusiastic about things.
- No, this is awesome, like my own desk.
This is kinda cool.
- [Trevor] That's still my desk.
- No, no, no, I like this on me.
It's my show.
- It's not your show.
We're just doing a special about--
- We'll be right back.
- No, you can't say that 'cause the show--
- Here it is, your Moment of Them,
the best of Hasan Minhaj.
- Here it is, your Moment of Them,
the best of Hasan Minhaj.
(audience applauds)
- Canada, from their awful beer
to their God-awful Canadian tuxedos,
they've got a lot to apologize for, but now,
they've got a new reason to say sorry
and it's coming to destroy America.
I'm talking about
Syrian refugees.
- Thousands of Syrian refugees entering Canada
will sneak across the US border.
Some of them will be ISIS supporters.
- [Hasan] Canada's super progressive prime minister
Justin Trudeau has already allowed
more than 25,000 of these potential terrorists into Canada.
Luckily, I had allies across the border,
these Canucks were actually doing
something about Trudeau's refugee invasion,
and they were more pissed off
than any Canadians I had ever seen.
- People are really upset.
- Oh, yes, good.
- We're demanding that the immigration minister
bring in more refugees and do it really quickly.
- What?
You guys want more refugees?
- Absolutely, we have thousands of people across the country
waiting to welcome people into their homes.
- Are you (bleeps) nuts?
It turns out they were part of the problem,
something call the Private Sponsorship Program.
Only in Canada can groups of five or more people
just raise money and bring over Syrian refugees themselves.
It's like Kickstarter for terrorists.
- Almost 10,000 have been brought in by groups like ours.
- This is just like Game of Thrones, okay?
You're gonna let these brown Ice Walkers
go nuts up in the North,
then they're gonna cross the border and kill all Americans.
- This isn't about you.
We're doing this for ourselves
and we're doing it for the refugees we're bringing in.
- It is about me if I'm gonna die.
- It's not even that big a risk.
Look at the facts.
And we don't say a-boot.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
- That, we say.
- Okay, let's look at the facts.
Since 9/11, zero terrorists planning attacks
have been caught crossing the US-Canada border,
but if you go back almost 20 years,
two people have tried and one of them was a refugee.
Sure, he was caught and is serving two
consecutive life sentences,
but it proves you can't say
there is a 0% chance because it's way more.
There's a 0.00019% chance.
Our border is like a Starbucks bathroom.
Anybody can just walk in there and blow (bleeps) up.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
- They're screens by the UN.
They're safe.
They come here, they Canadian-ize.
- No, you guys.
- Don't you have more Americans dying from gun incidents
and mass shootings than from terrorism every year?
- But those people aren't terrorists.
They have mental problems, there's a difference.
- The difference being the color of the skin?
- Yes, White people have mental illnesses.
Brown people are biologically
designed to kill you guys.
- Have you met a recent-arrived refugee?
- Why would I go meet someone who's gonna kill me?
- So we're gonna decide not to help 49,999 people
because one person went bad?
- Yep.
That's the American way.
- That's not how we look at it.
We wouldn't blame all Syrians for that one Syrian.
We don't blame all Americans for Donald Trump.
- You should.
These hosiers just didn't get it.
I decided to seek out the man who started this mess,
the one Canadian who could shut this whole thing down.
Why are you trying to destroy North America?
You're letting anyone walk in and just (bleeps) up.
- North America was built with people
fleeing persecution, conflicts, wars,
trying to build a better life
for themselves and their families.
- It's too open, it's too free.
Mr. J.T., I went to customs and they were like,
"What are you here to do?"
And I'm like,
"I am here to roast Prime Minister Justin Trudeau."
And do you know what the guy said?
"Have a nice day."
(laughs)
What if I came here to literally roasts you?
- You might find that a little more difficult than you,
than you think.
(audience laughs)
- Are you gonna kick my ass right now?
- Are you gonna literally roast me?
- No.
- Then we're fine.
- [Hasan] Things were getting heated in Ottawa.
Luckily, I had America to back me up.
Right now, 51% of Americans oppose
letting any Syrian refugees into the US.
Just like we had the guts to say
no to Jewish refugee children,
Hungarians fleeing mass murder and the Vietnamese.
- You know, I think maybe we have better
faith in the people we invite over.
- [Hasan] Faith?
You're talking about the greatest Canadian
terrorist threat since September 11, 2001,
the day Nickelback unleashed
their breakthrough album Silver Side Up on America.
That's a real fact, look it up.
- You know what?
Nickelback's all right.
- But you know what isn't' all right?
Terrorists on moose back crossing our northern border.
Mr. Trudeau, you cannot trust these people.
You're gonna breed an ISIS
that's impervious to cold, an ice ISIS.
Mr. Prime Minister,
we are sitting here in the wake of so many terror attacks.
How can you be sure letting in all of these refugees,
that even in .01% become radicalized,
you could be living with 25 different Paris attacks,
25 different Belgium attack,
how can you go to sleep at night
knowing that that risk is imminent?
- We live in a world where there are always risks.
The question is how much
do you want to live in fear of those risks?
The best counter to the kind of radicalization
and marginalization that we've seen in other
parts of the world is to create
an inclusive society where everyone,
especially Muslim-Canadians,
have every opportunity to succeed just like everybody else.
- [Hasan] Okay, fair point.
I'm willing to admit that some refugees aren't terrorists,
but still, they're just so foreign.
- One of the great things about Canadian culture
is we figured out that it's done by addition.
So, you know,
you take flavors and perspectives
and experience of the world,
and you create something better than the sum of its parts.
- [Hasan] Wait a minute.
Flavors, ingredients, he's talking about a melting pot.
That's our thing.
Are we really gonna let Canada steal our brand?
America has always been the land of opportunity, and yes,
we've also kind of always been afraid of refugees too.
But we're at our best when we're staring terrorists
straight in the face and saying,
"Kiss our red, white, black, brown, beige, and blue asses."
Or as one American philosopher put it,
"If we were to strive to reach absolute safety,
"we would not have freedom."
Thanks, Sarah Palin, and thanks, Canada.
Superstar athletes have the life.
We're talking cars, jets,
even their pet albino tigers get cars.
But not all pro athletes are happy with the big bucks.
In fact, the women's soccer team
is taking legal action because they want more.
- Players on the US women's national soccer team
say they're being discriminated
against because they make less
than members of the men's team.
- [Reporter] Filed a federal complaint
against the US Soccer Federation.
- [Hasan] I sat down with three members
of the US women's soccer team
to find out why they're being so greedy.
- We're not being greedy.
We're just fighting for what's right.
- Our contributions to the Federation
should be seen as equal to what the men have done.
- Fine, whatever, but you need to understand
that the men made it to the round
of 16 in the World Cup.
- Well, we've won three World Cups.
- Well, they are ranked
30th in the world.
- We're ranked number one.
- Um, they play with so much
passion.
- We have four Olympic gold medals.
- [Hasan] Humble brags, okay.
But how much less could their pay possibly be?
- If we win a match, we get $1,300.
The men, they get around $17,000.
- Whoa.
- If the men's team loses, they make $5,000.
- Five Gs if you lose?
Could you imagine having that much money?
- Can't really image it because
we don't get paid anything if we lose.
- Maybe that's why you guys don't lose.
Silver lining.
(bleeps)
- Kidding me?
- Why don't you guys just pick up second jobs?
Uber driving.
After you guys' games,
surge pricing will definitely be high.
Boom, you're driving fans home at 1.5, maybe two, three X.
- I don't have time to go be an Uber driver.
We put in our time to win gold medals for this team.
- Well, the US Soccer Federation
has its own interpretation of the pay differences.
The bottom line is the women
want them to level the playing field.
Oh, and they also want them to literally
level the playing field.
They're constantly forced to play on AstroTurf,
even at the World Cup,
something that the men's team has never had to do.
They don't play on the turf?
- Not one game.
- [Hasan] Others would argue that the women's
soccer team should be grateful just to play,
like Gavin McInnes.
Sure, he looks like an art school
dropout with The Shins cover band,
but he has his own show and is a Fox News contributor.
- Women do earn less in America because they choose to.
- [Hasan] Yep, not surprisingly,
he thinks the women's lawsuit is a waste of time.
- Men's soccer has been getting 10 times the eyeballs.
- [Hasan] You know what?
I'm gonna let the ladies handle this one.
- Well, we actually.
- Yeah.
- Broke the record for the most.
- Watched.
- Watched soccer game in the history of America,
the team, men or women.
- You're playing a man's game by man's rules.
This is the way it is in our world.
You gotta earn it.
- No.
We've brought in, what, $17 million this past year.
- The men lost $10 million
in profit for the Federation this last year.
- US men's soccer still gets a lot more enthusiasm.
Now, why is that?
Is that because men's soccer
is more interesting, more exciting?
- Gavin, you're down two, nothing.
You know what?
Let me try to help you.
Name three US men soccer players.
- Currently, we have Bobby Daniels.
- [Hasan] Bobby Daniels.
Okay, let's check the list.
Nope, not a player.
- Ziegler Norris.
- [Hasan] Also not a player.
- And the guy known to everyone as June Bug.
- [Hasan] Come on, man.
If you're gonna make up fake names, do better than June Bug.
If lunatics like this are against the women,
who's on their side?
- Billie Jean King.
- 100%.
- I mean, she's done so much for
women's sports.
- Who's that?
- Tennis player.
- I don't, I don't.
- [Reporter] Tennis star Billie Jean King
has long been campaigning for women's rights.
- Damn.
Turns out, Billie Jean King
is a bad ass tennis player, but also,
she paved the way for equal pay in tennis
when she defeated Bobby Riggs
in the 1973 Battle of the Sexes.
Let me get this straight.
All you did was defeat a man,
and now you have equal pay in tennis.
Problem solved.
- It wasn't easy-peasy, man.
When I played Bobby Riggs, that was about social change.
Our ratio of prize money was about eight to one,
and I think the women's soccer's four to one,
and I know what you're gonna say.
- Progress. - Improvement.
- Improvement's not enough.
We're supposed to be so happy if we get one crumb.
Oh, thank you.
I'm so grateful.
- You're welcome.
- We deserve the cake, the icing,
the cherry on top too, just like the boys.
- So, let's put some cleats on you, you play the men,
and let's get them ladies paid.
- You're missing the point.
- Okay.
I will play the women.
- Do you honestly think you can keep up
with the women's soccer players, seriously?
- We will do a Battle of the Sexes
BJK style because it worked for tennis.
- No, we'd crush you.
- Bobby Riggs was a champion in his sport.
- We didn't even know who you were until today.
- Um, I played two years of AYSO,
and I have also won trophies for effort.
- This is definitely a different level than that.
- [Hasan] Okay, fine,
so the Battle of the Sexes is a bad idea.
What else can we do?
- People have to get to know us.
So we need to really get behind women,
get behind them with money, exposure,
give them more commercials.
- [Hasan] A commercial, yes.
I could see it now.
- [Narrator] You can defy the odds.
- I became one of the best players in the world
at the age of 17.
- [Narrator] You can be great.
- I scored a game-winning PK in a World Cup.
- [Narrator] You can make history.
- We won three World Cups and four Olympic gold medals.
- [Narrator] You can aspire to be less than.
- Wait, what did you say?
- [Narrator] You can be just as good as any other person
as long as that person doesn't have a penis.
- Are you kidding me?
- And for all that hard work,
you can make four times less than a man.
- I don't think so.
You can treat us equally.
- [Ali] You can give us grass to play on.
- [Becky] You can pay us what we deserve.
- [All] Just (bleeps) do it.
- Please do it.
All campaign, Trump was like.
- I think Islam hates us.
Total and complete shutdown of Muslims.
They're not coming to this country.
- Now, as President,
he's banned immigration from these seven countries.
Everybody's like, "Yo.
"Is this the Muslim ban?"
- No, it's not the Muslim ban.
- Right, right, but is it?
You're Hasan the Record.
This thing on?
Trump's executive order blocks anybody
and everybody from seven very Muslim countries,
and the Mideast and Africa from entering the US at all.
Now, this may not be the Muslim ban,
but it's definitely a Muslim ban.
But hold up, can he do that?
Since Trump signed the order,
all of my melanin bros are calling me up like.
- Dude, this is America.
We're like the best at religious liberty, okay?
He can't get away with this (bleeps).
- That's right, he can't get away with this (bleeps).
Even my constitutional law bros are like.
- He might get away with this (bleeps).
- Oh, that's right.
While a ban based explicitly
on religion is probably illegal,
one based on nation of origin isn't.
Oh, shit, loophole.
By implementing a ban based on people
from certain countries, you know, the Muslim ones.
Okay, don't play that.
People are gonna get scared.
Good.
Basically, Trump can achieve the same goal.
It's like this.
Imagine if this adorable bulldog is a Muslim.
(speaks in foreign language)
- You can't hate this bulldog.
That's be wrong.
But put him in this Somalia sweater,
and it's totally cool to be like waterboard that puppy.
Aww.
Our hatred of bulldogs was legalized in 1952
when the Immigration and Nationality Act
said when the President finds that the entry
of any aliens would be detrimental
to the interests of the United States,
he may impose any restrictions
he may deem to be appropriate.
If you experience an erection longer than four hours,
please call your doctor.
Ah, translation?
Yo, yo, yo.
Aliens are detrimenting our interests.
I gotta do restrictions 'cause national security.
Historically, presidents have justified
a lot of stuff with national security.
It's basically like a star in Super Mario Bros.,
or bath salts in Florida.
It makes you invincible.
Trail of Tears?
National security.
Chinese Exclusion Act?
National security.
The guy who wrote Peace Train?
Oh, national security to the face.
Okay, so Trump's ban is barely legal.
Didn't he also say something about a Muslim database?
- Beyond database, we should have a lot of systems.
- Oh, dang, but Trump's executive order
last Friday doesn't mention it.
Probably because databases and registries are problematic,
and we'd never do one.
Get woke, get woke.
Woke up.
We did do one.
In 2002, the US began the National Security
Entry-Exit Registration System, or NSEERS.
The program forced people entering
from 24 Muslim-majority countries to register
and regularly check in with authorities.
The NSEERS Program accomplished the following:
it placed 13,000 people in deportation proceedings
including one Lebanese Christian dude from Texas.
Hee-haw.
And out of 83,519 cases,
NSEERS caught zero terrorists.
That's right, zero for 83,519,
the worst shooting percentage in history.
The dude behind NSEERS was Kris Kobach of Kansas.
I'm sure that's just a coincidence.
Kobach sucked so hard at his job
that he became a key immigration
adviser to President Trump.
Kobach's literal number one idea for Trump, NSEERS.
But here's the orange line,
bans and registries like these
only affect foreign nationals.
So if you're an American citizen like me,
nothing to worry about.
- We were American citizens.
- Oh (bleeps).
It's Japanese-American George Takei.
- Because we looked like the enemy,
we were treated like the enemy and imprisoned.
- Okay, so it happened once,
and the law that allowed interment
has never technically been overturned, but, but, but,
that could never happen today
because now we have smartphones.
Whoa, what I just said was so real,
and it's like I always say,
injustice anywhere is a threat to justice other places also.
Go to HasanTheRecord.com to cop your Minhaj mug.
Keep your tee tight and your mind open.
Tune in next week when I go
Hasan the Record on Jeff Sessions.
Just because someone says something racist, is it?
Think about it, y'all.
See you next week.
(audience applauds)
- Hasan, how are you feeling right now?
- Trevor, like many Americans,
I have spent the last 12 hours
refreshing the Canadian Immigration
website which keeps crashing.
So I am panicking because
melanin doesn't rub off.
But look, Donald Trump won.
We gotta take the L.
He spoke to people who felt ignored by Washington
and want their jobs back, and I understand.
I don't quite get how you get there
by electing a guy who collects bankruptcies
the way Michael Jordan collects rings, but okay,
they deserve to be heard and last night we heard them.
But I can't forget something else I heard.
On December 7, 2015,
Donald Trump called for a total
and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States.
I remember that date because it's the birth date
of the worst (bleeps) day of my life.
Seriously, how is that not instantly disqualifying?
Even if that's not why most people voted for him,
open racism should just be a deal breaker.
You personally may not be a racists, sexist, xenophobe,
but that comes with the package, right?
Like if a car comes with heated seats,
you may not want them but you'll take them.
- Yeah, but then if the seats go,
"Hey, don't sit on me, camel jockey."
- You should be like, "Hey, I don't want the car."
- Makes sense.
- So if you take that deal, what you're telling me is,
"Hey, man, I don't hate you.
"I just don't care about you."
- You know though, there is a chance,
and I know it's weird to say this.
There is a chance that maybe
he'll end up being more moderate.
- Ah, die of xenophonia.
That's cool.
(audience laughs)
Low-calorie racism, mm, like what?
This is a true story.
My mom
is out of the country right now.
She's visiting my grandma,
and she's a US citizen.
She's lived here 30 years.
She's on the phone with me last night and she's like,
"Hasan, I don't know if I can come back until February.
"Am I gonna be able to get back into the country?"
The fact that I can't tell her yes
with 100% certainty is heartbreaking.
There are a lot of people telling me,
"Hey, man, don't worry.
"Trump's not really gonna ban all Muslims."
But I don't know, man.
That is my mom,
and I need her back home
because I love her and she owes me $300.
(audience laughs)
- Thank you, Hasan.
Hasan Minhaj, everybody.
(upbeat music)