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  • (theme music)

  • (hip-hop music)

  • (footsteps thudding softly)

  • - Hey, uh, Steffi, what time is it?

  • (Steffi, electronic voice): Hello, Stu. It is 6:04 PM.

  • - Shit.

  • (hip-hop music continues)

  • (indistinct chatter)

  • - I'm so tired of truffles.

  • - Me too. I hear they have great food vehicles

  • Below The Line but I'm simply too scared to go down there.

  • (pretentious laughter)

  • (Steffi): You Must Eat Here. Three Stars.

  • Reminder: as a resident of Above the Line

  • you must eat here by end of month.

  • - Okay, we've got the Belgian Long Grain Wheat Quintuple IPA.

  • - Don't mind if I do!

  • (breathes in)

  • - Creamy nose feel, you know. - Nice.

  • - And a Pumpkin Saffron Super Double Triple IPA.

  • - Boom.

  • - And who is the lager in a bottle for?

  • - That's my buddy. Sorry. He's always late.

  • - Had to dig way back in the cooler for this. Didn't even know we had them anymore.

  • Can I get you handsome gentlemen anything else?

  • - Hey! Whoa, whoa! We're both happily married!

  • - Easy now! (chuckling)

  • - That's great! - Yeah.

  • - Dewis! - Stu!

  • - Whaddup, bro! - Whaddup?!

  • (exclamations, beeping noises)

  • Stu, Pobby. Pobby, Stu. - Nice to meet you, bro. - Good to meet you, bro.

  • Sorry I'm late.

  • - You know what? I hear you're always late.

  • - Hey! Ah, guilty.

  • Oh, jeez, you had it! Thank you.

  • - How do you drink that stuff?

  • - Hm. Love this stuff. Just grew up on it, you know. "Lay-ger".

  • - That's rough. - Yeah.

  • Stu, any dates this week, man?

  • - No... none this week. Actually, I haven't had one since last month.

  • - Dates? You weren't assigned at birth? Why?

  • - Oh, Stu grew up Below The Line.

  • - Oh shit. - Yeah.

  • Nobody Below The Line gets assigned. You have to date.

  • But then my mom invented an app that removes apps from your brain.

  • - The UnAppetizer? - Yeah. So she made a whole bunch of money,

  • we moved Above The Line. I was already 18 by then, so I still gotta date.

  • - Dude, I love The UnAppetizer.

  • - Everybody does. - Hold on, I'm getting something here.

  • Steffi? (Steffi): Hello, Pobby. What can I do for you?

  • - Launch UnAppetizer.

  • - UnAppetizer recommends deleting Meet-Me-Sex-Me as you are now married.

  • It also recommends deleting Where-See-Movie-At as all movies are available on me.

  • It recommends deleting Get-Buff-Quick as you have clearly given up.

  • - Oh...

  • - Man, that's crazy. You know, the dating world.

  • I feel like I just did my assigned hook ups after college,

  • and then did a little Meet-Me-Sex-Me,

  • and then, I married Nachel, and... it's good. It is good.

  • - Yeah, I mean, I gotta say, the dating world is brutal.

  • I don't know, I'm starting to think I might just be single forever.

  • - Sorry to interrupt but I was eavesdropping.

  • Have you tried The One That's The One?

  • - Uh... no. No.

  • What is The One That's The One?

  • - A dating site.

  • It's called The One That's The One because it promises,

  • 100% guaranteed, to send you The One That's The One. The perfect person for you.

  • - Oh.

  • - That's how I met my wife, Mequela.

  • - How do you spell that?

  • - M, Q, ampersand, laaaaaaa. - Hm.

  • - Old school spelling. - Nice.

  • - You haven't seen the commercial?

  • - No. - Here.

  • - Do you work for the company?

  • - I'm still waiting to hear back.

  • - Oh...

  • - Grew up Below The Line? Sick of your mandated mate?

  • Looking for someone, but coming up with none?

  • Just plain tired of the dating scene? Well, try...

  • The One That's The One!

  • At Negari Labs, we used a combination of specific questions

  • combined with DNA testing to assure that you get your perfect match!

  • Our city's prized scientist, Dr. Negari,

  • has developed an algorithm that promises to send you not just anyone,

  • but The One That's The One. - It even worked for me!

  • - Get outta here you dotty old lovebirds!

  • Come on down to Negari Labs today - and find your The One That's The One!

  • Get outta here! I'm dancing.

  • - Huh.

  • - Stu? Stu Maxsome? - Yes.

  • Oh, hey, it's you. From the commercial.

  • - I have no idea what you're talking about.

  • Follow me.

  • - I can't believe I'm doing this. At first, I thought: no way!

  • No way am I gonna do that.

  • I mean, I don't know, isn't that like, uh, I don't know,

  • me doing One That's The One, isn't that like someone from Above The Line being assigned?

  • Yeah, it is! And then, I thought:

  • Well, I'm Above The Line now, maybe I should do it.

  • Also, I was just sort of depressed.

  • My mom has been really hard on me about finding somebody.

  • Not crazy, though. She's really sweet. She's-- - I can tell you're nervous.

  • Just relax, I assure you'll be satisfied with our service.

  • - Yeah...

  • - Okay. So, as the machine extracts and scans your DNA,

  • I'm gonna ask you a few questions. - Sure.

  • - The results of these two tests will give us

  • the information we need to find your One That's The One.

  • - Great. - All that matters is that you answer honestly.

  • - Sure. - Okay. Ahem.

  • What is your favourite number?

  • - Three. No, eight.

  • - It's okay, the questions can be a little awkward.

  • Just answer honestly.

  • - Okay. - What is your favourite number?

  • - Four. - Good.

  • - What is your favourite food? - Pepperoni pizza.

  • - Me too! Okay, next question.

  • You're in the desert walking in the sand when all of a sudden, you look down,

  • you see a tortoise crawling towards you.

  • You reach down and flip it over on its back.

  • - Oh. - The tortoise lays there on its back,

  • its belly baking in the sun, its legs flailing.

  • It can't turn itself over without your help.

  • But you're not helping. Why is that?

  • - Oh... I don't know. I feel like I'd probably help.

  • - Huh.

  • - Is it...

  • - You meet someone that reminds you of someone you just saw in a commercial.

  • He denies being that person. What do you do?

  • And sign here. - Okay.

  • - Great. And that's 82 credits. - Okay.

  • (ding!)

  • - Okay. - Congratulations.

  • Dr. Negari will enter all your information into the algorithm

  • and your One That's The One will arrive at your home tonight exactly at midnight.

  • - Oh, midnight. Okay.

  • - For dramatic effect.

  • - All right. Ha.

  • - ... and find your One That's The One!

  • - I'll see ya!

  • - Good night!

  • (soft music)

  • (sighing)

  • - Hi, I'm Stu.

  • Hi! I'm Stu.

  • Mm!

  • Tsk.

  • (sighing)

  • (doorbell ringing)

  • (Steffi): You have a visitor. - But... I'm coming!

  • - Hi.

  • - Hi. Can I help you?

  • - Uh... I'm Burt...

  • Uh... I'm your One That's The One.

  • - Are you...? Oh, don't come in.

  • Uh, no. I'm sorry. That's... That's just, that's ridiculous.

  • You can't be my One That's The One. - No, of course not.

  • I mean - and I apologize for asking you this -

  • are you a homosexual? - No. - Well, neither am I!

  • - Right. See? Okay, so clearly there's been some kind of mix-up.

  • - Yeah. I mean, I guess so.

  • I want my money back. No offence.

  • - Hey! None taken.

  • (sighing) Man!

  • - Ah, don't take it so hard, buddy.

  • - No, it's just...

  • I don't know, sometimes I start feeling like I'll never find anybody.

  • Just... It sucks. Sucks to be born Below The Line.

  • - Where? What neighbourhood?

  • - Hallubeck Heights, right by Ooscar and Benowen.

  • - I used to sell cars down there before I got transferred.

  • - No way! - God, I was happy for that. - Tell me about it, huh?

  • (laughter)

  • - Well, it was nice meeting you all the same. Burt Chund.

  • - Hey, yeah, you too. Stu Maxsome.

  • You know, honestly, I'm just... I'm glad someone finally showed up.

  • It got to be 12:15 and I was thinking no one was coming.

  • - I'm sorry about that - I'm always late. Something I should work on.

  • - No, don't think twice about it.

  • Well, hey, listen, I got kinda hungry, I was actually gonna grab some food.

  • I don't know, you wanna come?

  • - I could eat. - Yeah? - You ever go to Al's?

  • - Al's Diner? Below The Line? Love that place!

  • (announcement on PA): Be careful proceeding below the line.

  • - Reason for going Below The Line?

  • - Gonna get diner food. - Gross.

  • - Normally I don't love patting people down,

  • but when they got muscles like you, I don't mind so much.

  • - I'm glad I could make your night better.

  • - Ha! - Okay, let's go.

  • - Right behind ya! Bye.

  • (devilish laughter)

  • (sighing)

  • - I love when they're gonna blow the door off that armoured car.

  • - Oh, yes, yes! And they decide not to.

  • - It blows up anyway! - Yes, right.

  • I love that show.

  • - Hey, Al.

  • - What do you want? (both): Egg-white omelette--

  • - Oh.

  • - Uh, egg-white omelette. But could you fry the yolks and put them on the side?

  • - What? No way! That's my order.

  • I mean, that's literally what I order. That's so funny.

  • 'Cause I like the yolks, but... - Separate! - Yeah. Yeah.

  • I'm gonna do the same.

  • - Okay.

  • - What are the odds? - It's unbelievable!

  • (laughter)

  • - ... but then, my wife passed away.

  • - Oh. I'm sorry about that. - It's okay. It was a long time ago.

  • I got this. - Oh, no, come on, let me get it.

  • - No. - No, please. - No, I got it.

  • - I invited you, let me just... - Hey. Hey, hey. No, no, I got it. I got it.

  • - Alright. Thank you.

  • (ding!)

  • - Well, that was fun. - Yeah, that was a blast.

  • And look, if I ever need a new car, I know who to call, right?

  • - Please. My days on the floor are over. I'm a desk jockey now.

  • - Listen, I'm back this way actually, so...

  • - Oh. Well...

  • - See you around?

  • - Oh, I... I'm sorry, I didn't...

  • - No, it's... weird that I went for the hug.

  • Take it easy.

  • - Yep! Bye! - Yes.

  • (soft music)

  • Hello?

  • Hello-o-o?!

  • (soft snoring) Hello?

  • (softly): Dr. Negari?

  • - Hello?! (screaming)

  • (both screaming) (all three screaming)

  • - Wait a minute! - Whoa, wait! - Wait a minute!

  • (whooshing, thudding)

  • Well, I guess he didn't want to give us our money back.

  • - Yeah, I guess not. Good to see ya.

  • What are you doing? Wanna get lunch or something?

  • - Well, I had some work to do, but...

  • - Do you like grilled cheese?

  • (panting)

  • That was crazy.

  • Had no idea that was gonna happen.

  • - Me neither. Well...

  • maybe some idea.

  • - Did you still want that grilled cheese?

  • - Nope. I don't even like grilled cheese.

  • - I'm lactose intolerant. - Stop! You dog! (chuckling)

  • (birdsong)

  • (cheerful pop song)

  • (no audible dialogue)

  • (barking)

  • (pop music continues)

  • - I can't believe I'm gonna meet your parents.

  • Do I look okay? - Stop it. You look great.

  • - You like my sweater vest? - Yes, I love it! It's very dignified.

  • - Dignified. But its main purpose is to hold my stomach in.

  • - Hey! I love that stomach.

  • That's my stomach. Come on.

  • - Stu! - Hey! There they are! Hi, guys!

  • - Good to see you!

  • - Mom, Dad, this is Burt.

  • - Hi, I'm Ron. Very nice to meet you, Mr. Chund.

  • - Call me Burt. My father was Mr. Chund.

  • (laughter)

  • - He's as witty as you said, Stu! I'm Linda.

  • - Enchanté.

  • - Ooh, bonjour. (laughing)

  • - Okay, dear.

  • - Yeah, take it easy, Mom.

  • (laughter)

  • - Oh, I love that song! - Hey, let's sing it!

  • ♪ Whoa-oh-h, cha-cha! Please Mr. Line Guard Man ♪

  • ♪ Don't check my bag-ah ♪ ♪ Bag-ah! ♪

  • - Oh, I loved Marlo Umfree. I saw him live 17 times.

  • - Whoa! - Stu, you sure know how to choose 'em.

  • - Thanks, Dad. I was kinda nervous that you guys would be...

  • I don't know, upset about his age.

  • - Oh! - You kidding me?

  • You've given us another old fogey to talk about the good old days with.

  • - Oh, hey, Linda, Stu mentioned you liked owls,

  • and so,

  • I picked one up for you.

  • I hope you like it.

  • - Burt! Oh, that's so sweet!

  • (gasping): Oh! - Wow!

  • - Oh! A mechanical owl!

  • It's beautiful!

  • Oh, it'll look perfect with my collection. Thank you.

  • Are you guys staying for dinner? - Please!

  • - Dinner? - Yeah!

  • - Sure, thank you. - Yay!

  • - Jesus. I'm nervous. Sweating. - Don't be. They're great kids.

  • Besides, this is different from me meeting your parents.

  • These are my kids, and if they don't like you,

  • I'll tell them they have to.

  • - I just feel like they'll be comparing me to their mother.

  • - Stu, listen. Martha was a wonderful woman,

  • and when she passed away, none of our lives were the same.

  • But these are good kids. They want to see their dad happy. Kids!

  • There they are!

  • Plisa, this is Stu.

  • - Hi. - Hi! Nice to meet you.

  • - You too!

  • - Dad, you didn't tell me he was super hot.

  • - I wanted to surprise you.

  • Booj, this is Stu. - Booj, how are you?

  • - Forget this! I'll be in the backyard.

  • - Sorry. He's just... adjusting.

  • - I'm gonna go talk to him.

  • - Actually, no, you know what?

  • Let me go talk to him.

  • (creaking)

  • Hey, bud.

  • - Hey.

  • - You're, uh... You're pretty great on that thing.

  • Hey, you, uh... you like Safeball? (toy beeping)

  • - Yeah. I guess.

  • - Why don't you... go long?

  • Come on!

  • (Booj sighing) It'll be fun.

  • There you go. Get out there.

  • You play in high school?

  • - Yeah. I played at Central Awards.

  • - Hey, I played at Highland Awards.

  • Man, you Above the Line guys always kicked our butts.

  • (toy beeping)

  • Listen, how you holding up?

  • - It's just, you're not my mom.

  • - Hey, hey, I totally get that. Alright?

  • I don't want to be your mom. Look, I couldn't be.

  • From what your dad says, she was one of a kind.

  • - Yeah, she-she was.

  • But I mean, that's not everything.

  • - Come on, champ, you can tell me.

  • - After Mom died, I just got really depressed.

  • So then, eventually, my assigned mate...

  • filed for unassignment.

  • - Well, look, have you tried going to the therapy vending machines?

  • - No. That's what my sister did.

  • I don't know, I feel like I should maybe try to just figure it out for myself.

  • - Listen.

  • Hey, it's okay. Look at me.

  • You don't think I was scared getting into this with your dad?

  • I was terrified.

  • He's a big man.

  • - Yeah. - Yeah.

  • Well, listen, if there's one thing that I can tell you,

  • it's that anything - anything -

  • can be overcome with a little bit of courage.

  • And I know you got some of that. Right?

  • You just gotta find it.

  • Where is it? Huh? Is it there?

  • - No. - No? Right over there?

  • - No. - Where is it? Where's that courage?

  • - Not there. - Yeah, where is it? Come on!

  • - It's right here. - Yeah! That's where it is. There's my big guy.

  • You alright? Come here.

  • - Thanks, Stu.

  • (soft music)

  • - Hey, Egg White,

  • when you gonna finish that up and give your old man a back rub?

  • - Why am I the one decorating this tree, and why am I the one giving the back rubs?

  • (chuckling) (doorbell ringing)

  • Who could that be at this time? (Steffi): You have a visitor.

  • - Come on in!

  • - You?

  • - That's the guy from The One That's The One commercial?

  • - No, I'm the technician from Negari Labs.

  • - Same guy. - I assure you I'm not.

  • - Huh... - What is with this--

  • - Mr. Chund. Mr. Maxsome. - We're both Mr. Maxsome now.

  • - Oh.

  • Well, I don't normally make house calls,

  • but this is a special situation.

  • You see, when Dr. Negari computed your input

  • at The One That's The One, he made a mistake.

  • He forgot to carry the one. You are not each other's One That's The One.

  • - But we've been together for a year.

  • - Yeah, I mean, we're married.

  • - I can't apologize enough.

  • It's the first mistake in the history of The One That's The One.

  • Mr. Maxsome. This is your One That's The One.

  • - Oh...

  • - Mr... Maxsome. This is yours.

  • - Al from the diner? - Yes.

  • - It's still a dude? - Yes.

  • - Huh.

  • - We should have connected you two.

  • Al got so lonely, he relocated to Irmingblam.

  • - Irmingblam's horrible this time of year. - So humid.

  • - Listen, we don't care what you say, okay?

  • We're satisfied with these results.

  • We really love one another. We're happy.

  • - I understand that. But you can't argue the science.

  • - Forget the science. We work.

  • I mean, we may contradict some data, but why would that matter?

  • - I'm afraid this is about more than just you two.

  • - Dr. Negari? - Were you waiting out by the entranceway

  • all this time? Why didn't you just walk in?

  • - I don't know.

  • - That's really weird.

  • - That's your opinion.

  • You see, the upper classes are assigned mates at birth to preserve order.

  • There is much more at stake here than just your relationship.

  • Order is the foundation of our community Above The Line.

  • You two have been mandated for separation.

  • - What?! No. No way are we separating.

  • - You should have looked more closely at your paperwork.

  • In the fine print it says that in the event of a mistake,

  • separation is legally required.

  • - Who's gonna make us? - Yeah?

  • - I am.

  • Actually, those two will, but because I tell them to.

  • - Were you two out here this whole time?

  • - Yeah, again, just... super weird.

  • Like, how many more people are in the house? - Shut up.

  • You have two hours to separate.

  • - Two hours?

  • - Two hours. - Yeah, I... got it.

  • - Well, that's everything.

  • (whispering): You want to try to take these guys out?

  • - I'm going to miss you so much.

  • (whispering): They're armed. We can't take them.

  • (guards chattering indistinctly)

  • - This could've been great. - It was great!

  • - Hey, I know. Come here.

  • Shh.

  • Did you get your pod ticket?

  • - Yep. Leaving for Irmingblam 10 pm, Thursday.

  • (notification chime)

  • - Oh...

  • My Car Homie is here, so...

  • I gotta go.

  • Bye, Burt.

  • Good luck in Irmingblam.

  • - Goodbye...

  • Egg White.

  • (nostalgic music)

  • (birdsong)

  • (soft rock music)

  • - So, did you notice that I get my egg whites, right?

  • But then, I get the yolks on the side.

  • - Why would you do that?

  • - 'Cause I don't... like them with the egg whites, so...

  • ♪ If you aim to find another ♪

  • ♪ I'd rather be lonely any day ♪

  • ♪ I'd rather be alone ♪

  • ♪ I can only count the hours ♪

  • ♪ Of the good times we had ♪

  • ♪ So you know ♪

  • ♪ I don't consider the bad so bad ♪

  • ♪ If you aim to find another ♪

  • ♪ Oh can't you hear me when I say ♪

  • - Whoa, whoa! Whoa, what are you doing?

  • - Uh... Nothing.

  • I'm doing nothing.

  • And I should be doing something.

  • Burt!

  • Burt!

  • Burt!

  • ♪ I'm not here to change your foolish disposition baby ♪

  • ♪ We've been here before ♪ ♪ Ah ♪

  • ♪ A million times or more ♪ ♪ Ah ♪

  • Burt!

  • Burt! Burt! Wait!

  • Burt, wait!

  • (whooshing)

  • (panting) Why am I always late?

  • (Burt): Good thing I'm always late too.

  • (grunting)

  • - Screw science. - Yeah, screw science.

  • (cheerful pop music)

  • (sobbing)

  • (barking)

  • (indistinct chatter)

  • (beeping)

  • You know, I think we're gonna like it here.

  • - Me too, Egg White.

  • (dogs barking in the distance)

  • You know what? I want to try something. It's silly, but let me try.

  • - Ooh! Carry me to the threshold? - Yeah, yeah.

  • - No, that'll be cute. Yeah, I like this.

  • (grunting) There we go.

  • - Ah! Nah. - No? No?

  • - Better walk. - Walk. Let's walk in.

  • - Yeah. All right... - Yeah.

  • (funky electronic music)

(theme music)

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