come where I'd be sitting here talking about this.. we've tried to film this ten

times now and I've cried every single time and.. we are a few weeks in of me and

Nathan no longer being together and I

don't even know where to begin there's no easy way to say this but we did break

up. I've used a lot of this time of silence to just try to heal you know

we're both in a state of shock I'm devastated I'm so sad and the love

of my life is no longer wait I don't I don't wake up to him anymore he's no

longer here every morning and my routines have changed and I'm just in a

state of shock right now we both are but I really wanted to take some time

for myself I was really emotional there was so many things happening in my head

and you know this isn't like an Internet fight this isn't drama

this isn't T this is my real life and me and my soul mate are really going

through it and we're both we've both been through so much the last few years

so I know a lot of you are really shocked I'm shocked and I feel like I

only want an explanation because Nathan and I have grown with each other in

front of all of you and I can't believe he's not here right now but I do want to

share what's been going on and I do want to talk to you guys first of all I know

I've been radio silent on social media I want to say thank you to every single

person that has sent me well wishes not knowing what's going on now the Internet

is brutal and I've learned a lot from not being on my phone the last few weeks

this this is hard to say my soulmate is no longer with me and it's been so hard

the last thing I ever wanted to do was stay on camera but me and him have

filmed so many videos together we've traveled the world together I and I just

want to put this on record that nathan is the only man that I've ever been in

love with and I know he's not here today but he wanted to say hi and sent his

look to everyone it's been difficult because Nathan never wanted to be in the

spotlight right we fell for each other when we met how we felt for each other

so hard and I'm grateful for him and I'll be grateful until the day I die

because this was the only man that was ever confident enough to love me

publicly to love me for me fully all my flaws no make up waking up in bed to

full-on like you know what I mean like he never cared about any of it and he

just loved me for me and no man has ever had those feelings I don't think for me

and I've never loved someone like I've loved him and I've talked about this

before but people used to always keep me the secret ten years ago you guys it was

not how it is today there was so many people afraid there was dude Zach would

be in love with me but they were afraid what their families would say or people

in their life and I would always get shut out and shut

down and when Nathan entered my life I was jaded I was angry I was just hurting

my company and I was on a whole new journey and life God whatever you guys

want to call it or believe in out there put him in my life for a reason and he

changed me he changed me for the better and that's why I'm so appreciative of

him because he showed me how to love myself he showed me how to love people

in my life better just for loving me for who I am

and I had never had that before I was always the secret and he changed my

world so the fact that we're no longer together I know it's really shocking to

a lot of you I want to say thank you to every single person that has reached out

I checked social media here and there but it was really rough and I got to say

that it's been insane people trying to get information okay like this sounds so

horrible but imagine you're breaking up with someone anyone out there watching

this if you've lost the love of your life if you've broken up with someone if

you've had a divorce if you've had a nasty breakup if you've had a calm

normal breakup but you lost someone that you were really in love with then you

know what I'm going through I do want to say that my mother is okay right now but

there was a fake story that she passed away and my mom was calling me like what

the hell imagine your own mother wakes up to say

a news article that she's not no longer with us I

on top of going through this stuff with Nathan my mom is okay but she's not

great right she's she lives in this beautiful home now so happy that a lot

of my family are with me and I'm gonna spend every day with her until it's her

laughs so I don't know what is gonna happen with my mom this year it's very

touch-and-go she's okay right now but um it was scary to see people just make

stuff up also my grandmother okay 102 years old grandma Mary's not doing

well at all and I need to see her soon before it's too late so there's already

all that stuff going on and then Oh sex part really kills me to say but we've

had family try to reach out to the media to make money off of me and Nathan's

breakup I don't even how to process that we're

over here heartbroken dealing with our emotions dealing with things behind the

scenes and off camera and there's family trying to tell the media fake stories

get money out of it there's people that I haven't spoken to in years even before

meeting Nathan that are trying to talk about us how can you talk about someone

you've never met it's been a lot so I want to say this it's 20/20 okay we're

gonna start things off fresh I'm starting this year off alone and I can't

even believe I'm saying that I'm so devastated but I'm strong and you guys

know that me and Nate had been through so much together and there's no crazy

gossip there's no tea this is actually really important and I don't think that

enough celebrities influencers people with a platform talk about and that's

mental health a few years ago Nathan lost his grandfather in a very tragic

way you guys know that me and Nathan

we lost two dogs last year and we lost diamond on the fifth in the summer and

daddy on October 6 so this week has been horrible the fifth and the sixth are

always really really tough for us and daddy only passed away three months ago

diamonds been seven eight months and we still haven't even fully processed that

you know he hasn't even processed his grandfather yet we haven't processed our

dogs fully because this lifestyle is so crazy and we're always on to the next

thing filming the next thing me and him have never just sat down and processed

our emotions we're both broken and we were both so busy being there for each

other that we forgot to be here for ourselves and that's what 20/20 is is

focusing on our own selves me and Nathan are friends I feel like I need to say

that because I flick the internet spirals and create so many false stories

me and Nathan will be friends forever I will always have love for him are we in

love with each other no but we love each other and he will always be in my life

he know I know a lot of you were like Geoffrey you just uploaded in a house

tour and I know a lot of you were like Nathan seemed kind of off in the videos

you guys Nathan never loved being on camera you can replay all of our videos

he loved being behind the scenes he never wanted to be famous he never

wanted to be in the spotlight he never wanted attention but he loved and

believed in everything I was doing and was a part of it because I asked him to

so you know he deleted all this social media a month or two ago and a lot of

people wanted to make stuff about like you know stuff up about that you guys

imagine not wanting to be famous I know that's published shocking to a lot of

people like using so many videos and doesn't want to leave his house and have

people bother him and I have to respect that my life is so public and I think I

just got to a breaking a breaking point where it just wasn't it just wasn't

healthy now he is my one and only true love and when you are watching someone

you love go through really harsh things and depression and anxiety and you can't

fix it he wants you so bad it's devastating so we both have been really

going through it and he really wanted a breather from all of the social media

and I respected it fully I mean you how can you tell someone you love but no

please stick it out for me like no I please if it's unhealthy let's like

remove it so this wasn't a fake relationship also that was really hard

to four years you guys this was a five year amazing relationship and I think a

lot of that even if you so he was never in the spotlight before and I've been

doing this for so long so imagine strangers and millions of people are

judging I have a really thick skin I could take a lot but I think it really

wears you down when you're in love with someone and all you hear is he's with

you for the money he's this he's that he's that he met me when I had nothing

and he never changed and that's what I love the most is he stayed true to who

he was so I know there's a lot of questions our house at Michigan like you

guys were good our house isn't going anywhere

his family lives there I visit there a lot I'm gonna go there in a few weeks

you know Nate came over the other day visited the dogs and uh it was so

beautiful there's no custody battle he can come

over here whenever he wants you know and the dogs miss him a lot I miss waking up

to him every morning and I think there's a lot of things behind closed doors that

people never know and things that we deal with with mental health and today

is not about airing out anyone's dirty laundry or making anyone feel any type

of way this is just about me sharing what's really been going on and I feel

like I owe you guys an explanation and we are just trying to heal you know I

can't wait to get back to doing what I love and creating and jeffree star

cosmetics has so many amazing things to look forward to this year I I'm just

over I'm just so excited even though I'm so sad I am ready to get back to work

you know a lot of the times while I was traveling or working or like even on

this massive Shane project last year it was a distraction and I think when

things really died down me and him got to digest everything and finally have a

moment to go yo this is our life this is what's happening listen I know my life

is insane and you guys have to remember that last year so much happened in

nineteen and I know it did for so many of you it felt like ten years to us you

know me having the robbery of my company last year millions of dollars of product

stolen it hit me so hard and then diamond nine years of my of my life my

baby and then all of this crazy drama online happened and then daddy was taken

away from us and I know I'm sounding like a broken record but my brain has

been through so much that I haven't had time to heal really so the last few

weeks has just been a lot of self-reflection

just trying to figure out what is next and I've been so blessed to have so many

of my family and friends surrounding me and Shane and Ryland and my mom and I

know a lot of people don't see my family on snapchat they don't want to be on

Instagram they don't want to be on camera you know and I have to respect

that and to have the family and co-workers and people from killer

merchan JFC just surround me with love has just been so special and needed and

right now nate is gonna go visit some family Michigan you guys know also

besides the robbery our dogs passing only three weeks ago Nathan's brother

Zach had a really horrible seizure and almost lost his life so we all just need

to chill out for a second focus on our own families and our own mental

well-being so thank you if you've made it this far I really appreciate you guys

watching this I still can't believe I'm sitting here and I didn't just want to

sit here and sob on camera so just thank you guys for listening we love you so

much and I am ready for this new chapter I think I'm scared I don't know but

thank you guys for being a part of my life I want to make you proud this year

and there's so many amazing things in the work so just thank you guys

so much from the bottom of my heart and from my family's heart for just showing

so much love and compassion I know the Internet can be very dark sometimes and

it's been a really really rough last few weeks so I just think

you I don't want to leave this video off about me I want to leave this video off

about a few other people and 2020 is going to be an amazing year for everyone

it's starting off really rough for a lot of us but if you don't know two of my

amazing supporters subscribers and fans passed away over the last few weeks

Kevin Bacon in Flint Michigan and Dylan cook in San Diego California both of

them died tragically over the last few weeks and I just wanted to give love and

support to their families and just know that it will always be a part of my soul

in my heart and I love you guys rest in peace to both of them and that's how I

want to end this video you never know how long you're gonna have with someone

anyone family friends so let's spend a little bit more time this year maybe