(magic wands twinkles)

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, you can do this.

- This is Peter Rosenthal, head film critic for The Onion,

today, I'll be looking at Disney Pixar's Onward,

a fantasy film following two teenage elf brothers,

who inherit a wizard's staff with the power to

reunite them with their dead father.

A far-fetched, and frankly, implausible premise

that requires the audience to believe anyone

could ever love their dad enough to want

to bring them back to life.

Set in one of Pixar's typically inventive

fantasy worlds in which magic exists,

elves live in toadstools, and centaurs roam the land,

Onward begins with the improbable narrative hook

of siblings Ian and Barley Lightfoot,

being excited to uncover instructions that

could resurrect their father.

Rather than simply throwing out the magical staff,

and living carefree with the knowledge that

he's buried safely underground where he can

never hurt them again.

Yet, the film only becomes more preposterous from here.

As the spell malfunctions and only brings back half of

their father's body.

Audience members will no doubt expect the film to continue

the boys wisely disposing of his body in the woods,

heading home to spend time with their loving mother,

and perhaps going to a therapist to rid themselves

of the scars left by their father's emotional manipulation

and crushing disappointment and all their interests.

Instead, the Lightfoots embark on a road trip to spend

one last day with their father.

Leaving audiences to ask the same question time

and again: Why exactly are they doing this?

Perhaps the boys want to bring back their father

to chastise him for not once attending their middle

school theater performances.

Or, they figure if they break down crying in front of

his reanimated body, then maybe the icy emotional distance

between them will finally melt and once, just goddamn once,

he'll admit he was proud of them for all of the Midwest

Film Journal awards they won over their careers a

movie critic.

Or you know, whatever.

Indeed despite a game cast featuring Chris Pratt,

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and Octavia Spencer as

a range of fairy tale characters, ultimately

not even the greatest talents in show business

can sell audiences on the perplexing idea

that someone, anyone, wouldn't simply rejoice

at their father's death and the prospect of

never again looking into his cold, uncaring eyes.

Ultimately while, previous releases proved Pixar's

daft hand at selling audiences on outlandish premises

such as talking toys, or a rat chef, Onward's improbable

narrative seems to be a missed teaching opportunity.

Failing to depict how the Lightfoot boys could choose

to become the man their father never was.

Rather than holding on to the impossible hope

that they can all be one big happy family again.

Because guess what?

They can't.

He never gave a shit about you, okay?

Trust me.

And you know what? Good fucking riddance.

I hope that bastard rots.

For the Onion's Film Standard, I'm Peter Rosenthal.