2020 Primaries & China’s Coronavirus Mask Shortage | The Daily Show: Global Edition

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- Welcome to "The Daily Show: Global Edition."
I'm Roy Wood, Jr., host of the award-winning "CP Time."
And in honor of Black History Month,
Trevor has asked me to introduce the show.
But before we begin, some news out of Spain,
where authorities have shut down an international criminal gang
that trafficked in stolen cardboard.
So now if you want a huge amount of cardboard,
you'll just have to buy something from Amazon.
Thanks for somehow shipping me that wristwatch
in five separate boxes.
Here are this week's headlines.
♪♪
- Let's kick it off with the big news: Equifax.
Some people know them as a credit reporting agency.
Others know them as a player hater
that stops you from buying your couch.
Well, you may remember that they were at the heart
of a massive data hack and now we're finding out
how it all went down.
- Good evening. It was one of the biggest
cyberattacks in history,
stealing the personal information
of nearly half of all Americans,
from our Social Security numbers to birth dates.
Now, in a stunning announcement,
the U.S. Justice Department
is accusing a branch of the Chinese military
with the 2017 hack of the credit rating company Equifax.
- The Chinese team hid their tracks
by using 34 servers in nearly 20 countries.
The FBI believes China also hacked Marriott,
the U.S. government's personnel office,
and insurance giant Anthem
as it builds a massive database on every American.
- That's right-- China is allegedly stealing
people's private information
to build a massive database on every American.
And you know somewhere right now Mark Zuckerberg is like,
"Back off, China, that's my thing."
But seriously, though, I don't-- I don't understand this.
Like, China is beating the U.S. in everything now.
Why would they steal Americans' information?
Unless it's just to rub it in everyone's faces, you know?
It's just like, "Ha, ha! I know the answers
"to your security questions. Your first car was a Kia?
What a bitch!"
What's even weirder is that they say
China also may have hacked Marriott.
And, I mean, I get credit agencies, insurance companies
and the government, but why are they hacking hotels?
What, are they just gonna tank the U.S. economy
by adding charges to the minibar?
Is that what they're doing? No, 'cause let's be honest--
like, everyone is just three Toblerones away from bankruptcy.
We're out. Those minibars don't play.
And I know some people are saying that China's doing this
so that they can steal Americans' identities.
Yeah, but if that's true, the joke's on them,
because half of Americans are in debt, yeah.
So if the Chinese steal those identities, it's gonna backfire.
It's like, "I am Bryan Taylor now."
It's like, "Okay, Bryan Taylor, you owe Verizon $400."
"Nooo!"
All right, moving on to some education news.
Every public school struggles to raise money
for its students and teachers.
But a fundraiser at one elementary school in California
might have backfired.
- Disney sent a $250 bill
to a California elementary school
after it showed last year's remake of "The Lion King"
at a PTA fundraiser.
On Thursday, a Berkeley elementary school
received a letter from Disney's licensing agent
and the letter ordered the school to pay the money
for screening the movie last November without a license.
- The Disney place wanted some money
because they own, like, all of the movie.
- They showed the movie that they own,
so they want the 250 dol--
Well, kin-- They kind of want the $250.
- Oh, no, young man.
Disney doesn't "kinda" want the $250,
Disney's gonna get the $250.
Yeah, right now, somewhere Yoda is like,
"My money bitch better have."
So, yeah, Disney sent a $250 bill
to an elementary school for showing "The Lion King."
Meanwhile, the producers of "Cats" are giving $250
to every school that shows their film.
"Please, play the movie, play the movie. Please.
You can use this instead of spanking the kids."
"We're not monsters."
Now, I'm, like... This is what's get...
I'm sure there are many schools in America
that play Disney movies and don't get busted.
So what I want to know is...
Who snitched? Huh?
Is there, like, one kid who had one of those toy phones
that calls Mickey Mouse directly and was just like,
"Mickey, I got some valuable information."
Mickey was like, "Oh, oh, I'm on the way!
I'm gonna break some kneecaps!"
It's like, who is this kid?
All right. And, finally, Valentine's Day
is just three days away. So, first of all,
if you were planning to break up with someone, too late.
Now you have to wait another week.
But if you've already been broken up with,
here's a little gift you can get for your ex.
- Valentine's Day fast approaching,
and we have the perfect idea for a very unique gift
for a way to get back at an ex.
The Bronx Zoo is once again letting people
name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after their partner.
That gift'll only cost you 15 bucks.
If you're looking for a way to feel better
about a recent breakup, zoos in San Antonio
and El Paso, Texas, will name a cockroach after your ex.
Then-- check this out-- you can watch a livestream
of that roach being fed to an animal.
- Really? (audience hooting, cheering)
Really?
Man, I feel bad for the cockroaches.
They can survive a nuclear war, but they can't survive
Alan and Janet's Saturday at Ikea? Really?
And I'm sorry, but anyone who does this
deserves to get dumped. They deserved it, yeah.
Because you clearly don't know how to deal with your feelings.
It's like, "Melissa thinks I'm too emotional?
Well, I'll show her by making a cockroach die."
Also, what a cumbersome way to get revenge on your ex.
Like, because they won't know it happened.
Right? Unless you tell them.
It's not like they're gonna be somewhere, like... (gasps)
"Oh, no. A cockroach with my name just died."
You're gonna have to call your ex
and let them know what you did. Is that the plan?
Just be like, "Guess what, Susan?
"I named a cockroach after you,
then a lizard ate it."
It's like, "Uh, okay, Greg.
I just had my third kid with the guy I left you for."
"Okay, so-- so we're both good then.
"Huh. Three kids? Okay, bye.
Hello, Bronx Zoo? I need three more cockroaches, please."
Also, can we admit that this is a scam
that the zoo is running?
Buy a roach from them and they'll kill it?
No. You can just find a cockroach
in your own apartment, yeah,
name it after your ex, and then start dating it.
All right, that's it for the headlines.
Let's move on to our top story.
(music and cheering)
New Hampshire--
it's the state always asking Vermont to do something
about the weed smell.
But, today, they were the state
holding the second Democratic primary.
And because, normally, the most exciting thing to do
in New Hampshire is watch mountains grow,
Election Day gets the people going like nothing else.
- After months of campaigning
and millions of dollars in TV ads,
it all comes down to this,
voters here in New Hampshire already heading to the polls.
- Overnight in New Hampshire,
the first votes were cast in the Granite State.
As they've done for decades, the tiny town
of Dixville Notch went to the polls at midnight.
- We were in Exeter, New Hampshire,
at the town hall there.
It was beyond capacity.
- People have been coming in here all day.
They've been lined up since 5:00 a.m. this morning.
- They vote for sport here in New Hampshire.
- I voted for Warren. - Steyer.
- Why? - He's cute.
- No, he seems like he can tackle Trump.
- I voted for Bernie. - Um, I voted for Amy Klobuchar.
- Tell me why. - Uh, I actually went in
and eeny-meeny-miny-moe'd it. - You're kidding me.
- No, between two candidates. - Literally, in the booth.
- In the booth. - Whoa!
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe?
That's not how you should pick
your potential future president,
although it is how the president picks
his spray tan shade for the day.
He's like, "Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.
"Ooh, crème brulee. Sounds fancy.
So fancy."
So, New Hampshire voters spent the day carefully deciding
who they want to be the Democratic nominee.
But, of course, none of the votes matter
if they aren't counted correctly.
(fake coughs) Iowa.
Luckily, according to state officials,
they've got this thing under control.
- New Hampshire Secretary of State Bill Gardner,
he told us he slept well last night
and today's voting will be simple and secure.
- Keep it simple.
Keep the moving parts the smallest number you can.
- Could this be hacked in any way?
- You can't hack a pencil.
- How many apps do you have involved in this process?
- Oh, oh, we don't have any apps involved
in any of the tabulating or the counting.
- No apps. - No apps.
It's an app-free election.
- You can guarantee that? - Yes.
- You know, it's funny how, a few years ago,
people were like, "Guys, we need to vote with our phones.
It's the future." But now, thanks to the disaster in Iowa,
it's like, "We're going back
"to how our forefathers did this, okay?
Everyone gets one rock and we put it in a jar."
"Yeah!"
"Then our slaves count the rocks."
"What?" "Oh, too far back? Too far? Sorry, sorry.
Too far back."
For more on New Hampshire's big day,
we go now to our correspondent who is live
in the Granite State right now,
Michael Kosta, everybody! (cheering and applause)
Michael, you're on the ground in New Hampshire.
What is the energy like?
- Hey, Trevor, I am not gonna lie.
Today's been pretty stressful for the Democratic candidates.
In fact, Joe Biden was so tense,
he gave himself a surprise massage.
You know what I mean? - Well, it makes sense, Kosta,
because, thanks to Iowa,
there's so much more riding on this primary.
- Not only that, but the candidates
have had only one week
to completely change their cultural messaging.
Because Iowa is mostly white people,
but New Hampshire is mostly...
white people.
- Kosta, I don't-- I don't get the difference.
It sounds like both states are just a bunch of white people.
- Wow, Trevor, "just a bunch of white people"?
That is so insulting.
First off, it's not a bunch.
The collective noun for white people
is a gluten of white people.
And, second, white people are not a monolith.
We are a rich tapestry of ethnic diversity.
Let-- let me show you on my Caucasian color wheel, okay?
Now, see, the...
the New Hampshire white people fall here
in the eggshell section,
while the Iowa whites are all the way over here
in the oatmeal cream section.
- Uh, Kosta, that's just basically a blank circle.
- (stammers) White is not blank, Trevor.
Zero is not nothing.
"Free to go" is not "innocent of all charges."
Although you do-- you do hear that a lot when you're white.
I mean, how-- how would you feel
if I said there was no difference between black people
in South Africa and black people in... (stammers)
What's another country with black people?
- Well, there's this one.
- (stammers) Thiswan?
I never heard of it. But I'm sure Thiswan
is a beautiful country!
- Okay, look, Kosta, I'm not saying there's no difference.
I just don't understand how the candidates
campaign differently in New Hampshire versus Iowa.
- It's a totally different ball game.
For-- for example, in Iowa,
you can say, "It's great to be here in Iowa,"
but that's not gonna fly in New Hampshire.
- Yeah, you're right, that does seem like a challenge.
- And then there's the voters. Remember, you're talking
to very different groups of people.
Iowans are rural,
while New Hampshirites are not urban, okay?
Iowans... Iowans are blue-collar,
but New Hampshirians are working-class.
Plus, Iowans call it pop,
and New Hampshirinos call it soda.
They're-- they're basically different planets.
- I don't know about that, Michael.
A lot of people don't agree with your assessment.
For instance, how would you respond to the criticism
that these predominantly white states
aren't the best states to kick off the primaries?
Because these candidates could be starting
in a more representative state of the country,
like-- like California or Florida.
- I hear what you're saying, Trevor, and yes,
Iowa and New Hampshire are white, but hear me out.
They're also boring as hell, okay?
And that's what we want.
We don't want our candidates going to fun states,
like Florida or California.
If you got to spend a year campaigning in Miami,
everyone would be running for president.
But if you're willing to spend a year
eating bland food in subzero temperatures,
pretending to care about how big a pumpkin is,
that's how I know you really want to be president, okay?
And that's why the road to the White House
has to go through here, Des Moines, Iowa.
- No, Kosta, you're in New Hampshire.
- What? Eh, who cares?
These places are all the fuckin' same anyway.
- Michael Kosta, everybody. We'll be right back.
- Welcome back to "The Daily Show."
It's February, which is officially Black History Month.
And we're celebrating all month
with Roy Wood Jr. honoring the unsung heroes
of black history
in another episode of "CP Time."
(mellow jazz playing)
♪♪
- Ah! Welcome to "CP Time,"
the only show that's for the culture.
Today, we'll be discussing black explorers.
Now, I know when a lot of people think of explorers,
they only think of white people.
Like Christopher Columbus, Lewis and Clark,
or that twitchy lady that drives the Magic School Bus.
But what many people don't know is that black people
have also been instrumental in discovering new lands.
We just don't get any of the credit.
Like how I discovered the Dougie,
and no one gave me credit.
I was covered in spiders,
and I was just trying to get them off me.
(hip-hop playing) And on my head.
(music stops)
Our first black explorer
is a man by the name of Matthew Henson--
the first man to reach the North Pol, in 1908.
It was an incredible feat,
not just because he discovered the North Pole,
but also because he was a black man
who wasn't afraid of going head-to-head against winter.
The only place I would want to discover
is Miami.
♪ Party in the city where the heat is on ♪
Another black explorer
who doesn't nearly get the credit he deserves
was an enslaved man named York.
In 1804, he joined Lewis and Clark
on their famous expedition across North America,
making him the first black man
to travel across the U.S. continent.
York was a vital part of the expedition.
In fact, he was so trusted,
he was even given his own gun.
Which was a risky move on Lewis and Clark's part:
giving a slave a gun.
You know what you call a slave with a gun?
Master.
Interesting fact: after the expedition,
York requested his freedom from Clark,
but Clark denied him,
because he realized that without York,
he would just be another white dude lost in the forest...
(whispers): like a bitch.
And finally, black people weren't just
tagging along with white people on these expeditions,
they were also making history themselves.
Like Abubakri II,
the ruler of the Mali empire.
In 1311, Abubakri set off
on an expedition westward.
Eventually, he landed in Brazil.
Abubakri met the native tribes there
and made peace with them,
and even ended up marrying a chief's daughter,
a quest that many men know all too well.
Traveling to distant lands
for new booty.
'Cause them local girls are too familiar.
So the next time you think about explorers,
remember not to just give credit to white men
who discovered places people already lived-- Columbus.
But also give credit to those of the more melanin persuasion
who have explored the world.
Like my Uncle Bebo,
who, in 1990, traveled across the country
searching for the Dairy Queen with the best Oreo Blizzard.
And we haven't seen him since.
That's why every day I honor my Uncle Bebo
my eating one of these.
We're gonna miss you, Bebo. (grunting)
And I'm back.
Well, that's all the time we have for today,
I'm Roy Wood Jr., and this has been "CP Time."
And remember, we're for the culture!
Somebody get me some hot tea to balance out this cold.
(music and applause)
- Roy Wood, Jr., everybody. We'll be right back.
- Welcome back to "The Daily Show."
The New Hampshire primary gave life
to Bernie, Pete, and Amy Klobuchar.
But while the New Hampshire giveth, it also taketh away.
- The race is getting smaller as of last night's results.
We did see the suspension or termination
of presidential campaigns
by Andrew Yang and Senator Michael Bennet.
- Tonight is not gonna be our night,
but let me say this to New Hampshire.
You may see me once again.
- You know I am the math guy.
And it is clear tonight from the numbers
that we are not going to win this race.
We'll be back soon. - Yes!
- In the meantime, though, thank you all.
God bless you and God bless
the United States of America!
- I'm not gonna lie.
I don't get why candidates always say they'll be back
when they know they won't. (light laughter)
Now, I know they don't want to seem like a loser,
but why not just be honest, you know?
Why not just be like, "New Hampshire,
you guys are never gonna see me ever again."
Like, it's the same problem with movie villains.
Even when they're falling off a cliff or a building,
at the end they're like, "I'll be back!"
No, you won't. No, you won't.
Like, it would be nice if they were honest.
Just like, "You and your family are safe forever."
(laughter)
But even though he's gone,
Andrew Yang did leave a lasting impression on the 2020 race.
Right, his plan for universal basic income made a big splash.
And it even had an impact on the real world.
You see, he gave several families $1,000 a month
for a year to test out his plan.
And we sent Ronny Chieng to find out how it went.
(Chieng) Yesterday, Andrew Yang dropped out
of the 2020 presidential race,
and I'm a little sad about it.
Last year, I met him in person,
and there was just something about the guy
that made me trust him.
Not to mention, I really
wanted that free money he was promising.
- Every American adult at the age of 18
should get $1,000 a month free and clear
from the government to do whatever they want.
- Making it rain!
It's called "UBI," or "Universal Basic Income."
And although the dream died with Yang's campaign,
a few lucky families did get a thousand dollars a month
for a year as a test program,
like the Fassi family of New Hampshire.
- Uh, basically, he gave us a check for $1,000 a month
from January until December 2019.
- We went to his New Year's Eve party,
and so that's how we got our first check was at midnight.
- He wrote a check and gave it to you physically?
- Yeah, and then after probably three months,
he was getting really busy.
- He forgot about us. - He forgot about us.
- What?
He didn't... he didn't pay on time?
- Yeah. - Yeah, it was very odd,
sending out a message like, "Hey, you owe us money."
- So you guys were like, "Hey, asshole,
where's my free money?"
- We said it much... much nicer than that.
- Oh. "Hey, asshole, where's my free money?"
(laughing) - Basically.
(Chieng) So how hard did Chuck and Jodie ball out
with that $12,000?
Did you buy a Tesla, buy a snowmobile,
buy a Tesla snowmobile?
- No, we spent 90% of it on our daughter's college tuition.
- College tuition. I guess that's pretty good.
Uh, what else?
- Spent a little bit on groceries,
buying some healthier choices.
Kombucha and some, uh, soy yogurt.
- Isn't yogurt and kombucha for shitting?
- Uh... - Digestion.
- It's for digestion.
- So now that the money stopped,
you must be pretty backed up, right?
(laughter)
But luckily for Chuck's colon, he was so inspired
by his UBI experience that he learned
how to brew his own kombucha.
(seal pops)
And it is potent.
Cheers. What is it?
It's a big blob of bacteria that's been sitting
in some fermented tea in my bathroom for about six weeks.
- Bathroom juice aside,
these people spent their UBI on college,
groceries, and paying bills.
What a bunch of idiots!
It's like they don't even know what flexing means.
You guys could be in head to toe Supreme right now.
Do you know what Supreme is?
- No. - No.
- Fuck.
That's how you flex to your neighbors
and make them jealous. That's what money's for.
Okay, Chuck? Okay, Jodie?
But believe it or not, balling out is the last thing
on most Americans' minds.
Half of American adults say they can't even cover
an unexpected $400 expense.
Clearly, if you give people $1,000 a month,
they would spend it on necessities--
with a few exceptions.
What else did you buy?
- Um, I took improv classes. - Chuckie joined--
So I've been doing that for the last...
eight months.
- You took improv classes?
- Yeah. Mindful Improv classes.
- What the fuck does that mean?
- It means we do self-appreciations,
we do vulnerabilities... - (disgusted groan)
- Um, it's taught by a yoga teacher.
- Ugh! Oh, my God.
Andrew Yang may be out of the presidential race
but his ideas live on,
and Americans deserve a shot at universal basic income.
Well, maybe not all Americans.
- How you doing? - Hello.
- Oh, I lost my hand! - I hate improv.
♪♪
- Ronny Chieng, everyone. We'll be right back.
- That's it for "The Daily Show: Global Edition."
Before we go, some troubling news out of China,
where fears over the coronavirus
have lead to a global shortage of protective masks.
That's why I wear this protective mustache on my face.
Stops germs getting from in,
and sometimes soup gets stuck in there too.
And I get a little afternoon snack for free.