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Trump's impeachment trial is set to begin next week,
and, as with any impeachment trial,
the Senate will serve as the jury.
So this afternoon, all the senators were sworn in
by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts,
and then they signed their names one by one
in what's known as the "oath book."
Yeah. It was a really solemn moment
and also the first time, uh, ever
that anyone's ever asked for Ted Cruz's autograph.
Now, the one big question hanging over this trial has been
will Republican senators allow new witnesses to testify?
Well, apparently, some of those witnesses
aren't waiting to find out.
They're just showing up on TV, right?
And the conversation everyone's talking about right now
is Rachel Maddow's interview with Lev Parnas,
an associate of Rudy Giuliani
and a man with seven different hairstyles all at once.
(laughter)
Now, Parnas is important
because unlike some previous witnesses
who only heard about what was going on,
he claims that he was working closely
with Rudy Giuliani to get dirt on the Bidens.
So if those other people smelled the borscht,
he actually made it.
And now he's telling all of America
how it went down.
President Trump knew exactly what was going on.
Uh, he was aware of all of my movements.
Uh, he... I wouldn't do anything without the consent
of Rudy Giuliani or the president.
Are you saying s-specifically--
I want to sort of drill down on that--
that the president was aware that you and Mr. Giuliani
were working on this effort in Ukraine
to basically try to hurt Joe Biden's political career?
-He was... He knew about that? -Basically.
Yeah, it was... it was all about Joe Biden, Hunter Biden.
It was never about, uh, corruption. It was never...
It was strictly about, uh, the Burisma,
which included Hunter Biden and Joe Biden.
Damn, those are some pretty big accusations.
Because, you understand, Lev Parnas is saying
that President Trump knew
about everything that was going on in Ukraine
and that none of it was really about fighting corruption.
That's a big deal coming from Rudy Giuliani's right-hand man.
This would be like if Luigi went on Rachel Maddow like,
"Mario doesn't care about the princess.
"He just loves to murder turtles.
He wants to kill all of them. He's a very sick man."
It would be huge.
-(cheering and applause) -Now...
Now, the White House...
The White House has responded to this interview
saying that Parnas is a liar.
They say he's only saying this
because he's been indicted for campaign finance fraud,
and so now he's trying to get a lighter sentence,
like a Ukrainian Tekashi69.
And Trump has gone one step further,
saying that he doesn't even know what a Lev Parnas is,
much less that he gave him instructions
to get dirt on Joe Biden,
to which Parnas is now responding,
"Pics. It did happen."
The president of the United States said,
uh, he didn't know you.
I don't know those gentlemen.
Now, it's possible I have a picture with him
because I have a picture with everybody.
I don't know them.
I welcome him to say that even more.
Every time he says that, I'll show him another picture.
-COOPER: He's wrong? -He's wrong.
Oh! Oh!
Okay, Parnas. Okay, Parnas.
You know the game is real
when someone is threatening to open their camera roll.
You know when your friend does that?
It's like, "Oh, do you want me to AirDrop these to you?
"'Cause I'll AirDrop them to everyone.
We both know what happened at that Sandals Resort."
(laughter)
I hope when Parnas does release the pictures,
they just get steadily more incriminating, you know?
It would be fun if, like, at first,
they're just at a party together.
You know, then the next picture,
they're riding together on Space Mountain.
Then, eventually, like all pictures,
it'll just end up with nudes.
You know, that's where it's gonna go.
Yeah, and Trump will be like, "That doesn't mean anything.
"I take nudes with everyone.
So many nudes."
(laughter)
So, this is the latest twist
in the Ukraine impeachment scandal.
Giuliani's former BFF, Lev Parnas,
says everyone in Trump world was involved:
the president, Mike Pence
and even Attorney General Bill Barr.
So many people are involved
that they're gonna have to take a party bus to the trial.
Yeah. Although, Mike Pence doesn't do alcohol,
so he'll just be sipping on seltzer, you know?
He'll just be like, "Oh, this water is so spicy."
(laughter)
And to make matters worse, to make matters worse,
today, a nonpartisan government agency
declared that Trump withholding military aid
from Ukraine was illegal.
Yeah, the thing he actually did. They're saying it was illegal.
Not maybe illegal, not illegalish.
Illegal.
And, I mean, that's black-and-white.
And trust me, I'm black and white,
so that's my area of expertise.
I know what this is like.
So, that's where things stand right now.
Witnesses are talking.
The government itself says Trump broke the law.
And I can only imagine that Trump must be
really, really, extremely worried right now.
I'm also approving new dishwashers
that give you more water
so you can actually wash and rinse your dishes
without having to do it ten times
or five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten.
Your dishes are gonna be beautiful.
I'm talking about dishwashers,
sinks, toilets, light bulbs.
We won't talk about toilets, but, you know, that's a...
(imitates handle clanking)
Did you ever go to the faucet?
You turn on the faucet to wash your hands.
You go like that. The thing flips on and...
Whoa.
And then... (imitates water dripping)
But how about the shower?
You go into a shower.
And I have this beautiful head of hair.
I need a lot of water.
I knew it!
He's terrified.